aye aye aye.

I have been battling "the crud" since Sunday and I wish to goodness someone had a hammer to smash against my sinuses!

This morning was another one of those that I wished I could treat work like college and just not go because I felt sick. But, with Brian being a full time grad student, I have to work so the bills get paid. Yuck.

So this is a short post to once again say, never ever ever ever rush college. It's the only time in your life when you get 5 weeks off for holidays and what seems to be endless skips when you just don't feel like getting out of bed.

O death....O grave

Saturday morning I woke up earlier than my husband, as always. I moseyed on to the living room and sat down with my coffee cup - full of peanut butter Cap'n Crunch like any mature young woman would so desire on her weekend morning. I began channel surfing, trying to find something to watch to pass the time.

My phone rang. It was Steve, our good friend from "back home" in Jackson.

Steve never calls me. The thought frightened me. It was only 9 am.

I answered.

"Laura Leigh. It's Steve. First of all, I miss you guys. But...you know there's a reason I'm calling."

I braced myself.

"Shanta died."

My heart sank. I felt like I had swallowed a lump of lead.

I listened to him recount the story: Shanta, sick with the flu, visited her doctor on Friday. He told her she had developed pneumonia and wanted to put her in the hospital to be safe. She entered, doing well (considering her sickness). She died the following morning around 3.

Shanta --- wow. Shanta was a beautiful person. She was the sheer essence of humility. She loved with a heart so large that sometimes you would almost expect it to burst from out of her. She was more of a mother to her two younger sisters who happen to be some of the dearest friends I've ever had the opportunity to make. She was a servant. She longed to glorify Christ with each step she made. She was young.

I had only gotten to know her within this past year through a production company/ministry we both were volunteering our time to. It felt like I had known her for years. She gave the best hugs. She always asked about my life. I never once heard her complain about a thing.

I sat motionless for a while. All I could think of were Christian and Charise, her two sisters - my friends - who must have been heartbroken. Shortly, the tears fell. But they didn't remain long.

As I sat and thought on it longer, my eyes began to be opened to something new. For the first time in my life, I began to understand what the Bible means when it says "O death, where is thy sting?" Sure, I was sad for the loss of a friend. I knew her family was hurting beyond comprehension. But I began to think about Shanta. Wow. She had to have been completely ecstatic to make it to the gates. She was finally at the feet of the One she spent her life serving! It was an unexpected trip -- the best kind! Even now, she still hasn't even had time to fathom the goodness of the God she is now spending an eternity with.

Death, as tragic as it may be, is not the end for those who believe. I understand that now. Shanta is still teaching me even though she is no longer physically present. Rather, God is teaching me.

Thank God that we have a hope. We have a future.

And in the words of one of the greatest women I've ever known - even if only for a short time - it certainly is a "Beautiful day!!"

...doubt...

You know, just a few minutes ago I was looking at the facebook profile of Elizabeth Edwards - the wife of John Edwards who sadly passed away yesterday after a six year battle with breast cancer.

I wondered why so many people were writing on her wall - some even addressing her as if she would be reading their words soon. It seemed ridiculous. I know that sounds harsh, but just follow me. All of a sudden, it hit me: "it's a coping mechanism."

No sooner did I process that thought than I found myself asking the following question:

Isn't that what Christianity is? A coping mechanism to attempt to wade through life?

I was utterly shocked. I didn't ever think something like that would come from me.

But doubt crept in regardless. I sat motionless for a moment. I was wondering what this thought would bring. Was there a revelation to come? Would I suddenly believe that everything I've ever thought to be living and true was simply a device I used to numb painful situations?

Then suddenly, a thought: People have given their lives for Christ. People have trusted him for thousands of years. That seems to be more than coping.

Then after that, momentary visions of moments in my life that have been the most trying. I saw hurt and pain and stress and despair -- followed by comfort and peace and provision and hope.

I may not be able to physically prove the existence of God. But I can look back on my life to this very day and see the intangible evidences of His presence. That's not a coping mechanism. That's a Savior who lives and loves me.

Doubts creep in. Christ reminds me of...well, Himself.

It's not a crutch. He's not a character.

He is alive. And He lives in me.

holy granola.

Today is already just inching by. I'm so ready to get home to see my family and most importantly:

Delta! I love this little creature as if she were my very own child. I pretty much love any animal that way. Except cows. I don't like cows.

If anyone has any power to speed the clock up to 4:15 Central time, I'd appreciate you doing so. I can't wait to be home for this holiday!

just a quick post to say...

....how hilarious it is that today i am the total opposite of my last post.

One day i do, the next day i don't.

Yep. I'm definitely a woman. :p

Tick tock tick tock tick tock.

If people would stop having really cute babies, maybe my biological clock would stop ticking.

Logically, I feel as though I am way too young and still a little too carefree to be concerned with having children at this point in our lives. But every day there seems to be some internal struggle over the idea of having a child sooner than later. (I won't give it a specific time frame.)

Brian and I both know that as soon as he completes his M.Div that we will be working towards a mission placement with the IMB. In fact, he's beginning the application process next fall under the supervision of one of his professors. It's a long and tedious process -- it will take at least (at LEAST) two years before we ever even find out where we MIGHT be heading. So, we're looking at a possible move in about 5 years.

That being said, I keep having the issue of children come up in my mind. While I don't necessarily know if I'm ready or even want one at the present time, I can't help but think about how much better it would be for us to have them...well, at least one, before we are to move off to some other country for anywhere between 3-12 years. I keep thinking of my Mom and Dad. While they support us and our heart for international missions and while this isn't about them, I can't help but think how sad it would be for us to be a 9-12 hour flight away and then have a child whom they might not really ever have much of a chance spending time with. I want my kids to know my parents and vice versa.

That's just one issue. Again, my parents shouldn't be a deciding factor, and they won't be. Just talking here. Here's my other issue. On the side of why I SHOULDN'T be thinking about kids right now, the biggest argument is MONEY.

Money. Everyone needs it. Nobody ever has enough. Now, I've mentioned before that we are very, very blessed to have all our needs supplied. But, let's be honest. Babies = expensive. Very, very expensive. Diapers? Hellooooo! They'll break your bank like nobody's business. I keep telling myself that we just aren't financially ready to handle such a responsibility.

But then it hits me. We weren't financially ready or able to move. But God provided. Big time. He blew my mind in that whole situation. Still has. Still does. Everyday. By me saying that we can't have kids right now because we don't have a lot of money, isn't that me doubting His provision? Think about it. Don't even get me started on the issue of BC. (Hey, it's MY blog. I'm just thinking out loud here.) I struggle with that a lot. Am I trying to take control of something that I should just give to God and trust His timing for? Aren't we called to trust God in all things? Is this me taking a step too far, trying to keep my hands clutched on MY schedule and MY time?

Then there's these stupid dreams. Like Saturday night's for example. (And I feel really dumb for even laying this out for you people to read, but I've simply got to "say" it somewhere.) All I remember about it is seeing this young child...only the back of her...but I knew she was mine. I loved her. A lot. It was really nothing but a bunch of sequences of her clinging to Brian and him holding on to her. I told Brian about it, and I think he thought I was nuts. I may be. I probably am. But I cannot get the vision of her out of my head. I woke up that morning longing to hold her...someone who doesn't even exist! I just wanted to scoop her up and never let her go. How is it possible to be so in love with someone who has yet to make their debut in this world?

....Do you see how nuts this is making me! One minute, I'm perfectly content with being able to go and do and be spontaneous without the hassle of caring for anyone else but myself and Brian. Then the next, my mind is set on motherhood. I know. I'm young. I'm very young by comparison to many moms.

My heart is torn with so many emotions, though. It's weird. And it's driving me insane!

I think maybe I need a few days in a padded cell and under some serious psychiatric evaluation! Ha! Oh well. Call me crazy, but I know I'm not the only one in this world who fights these mixed emotions. To those of you who aren't married or are newly married and think I'm nuts - you may be right. But just wait. One day, you just might understand me.

Alright. I'll end it here. Promise. Remember, I'm not seriously considering anything. In fact, this has really helped just to sit here and write it all out. Isn't that what blogging is for? Reflection?

Thanks for reading. :)

Just great.

It's Monday and I feel fairly certain that I'm sick with what may very well be flu-like symptoms. I hope more than anything that I'm wrong. My insurance at work has yet to kick in, so I'm not really feeling a pay-out-of-my-pocket visit to the doctor.

Also, this morning as I was getting ready for work and realizing how miserable I felt, it finally dawned on me that the age of irresponsibility is over. I wanted so badly to climb back in bed and spend the day whining in front of the tv with a glass of sprite and a breakfast burrito - just like the college days....

Although I hate being sick, being sick in college was something I kind of came to enjoy. I stayed in my cozy little dorm all day and my roommate was exceptional at taking care of me. The tv never went off and I dozed in and out of consciousness all day long - waking up only long enough to eat or take meds. Sure, I felt miserable. But honestly, being sick is sometimes a great excuse to be lazy and just give in. It didn't matter what class I had when I felt ill in college - I would take days off without a care in the world and all the episodes of Golden Girls I could muster....

Now here I am in 2010. Out of college, married, and actually having a career working 40 hours a week. I realized this morning as I fought back whiny "I don't feel good" tears that I can't just play dead anymore. I'm responsible to be at work. No work = no pay. No more transitioning from bed naps to couch naps to bed naps all day again. No breakfast burritos and Golden Girls. Just the ill-satisfying "comfort" of a space heater and work assignments to fight off the miserable state I'm in.

I tell our youth all the time to "STAY IN COLLEGE AS LONG AS YOU CAN." Sometimes it's more of a joke, but as the days wear on I realize how good I had it in college.

So, yes children, go to college. Change you major 57 times. If you graduate, get another bachelors degree -- not a master's, because Masters students are expected to gain experience through some sort of job. Mooch off of your parents, if they'll have you. Go to Taco Bell at 2 am and stuff your face and skip your 8:00 class the next morning. If you get the sniffles, skip class again. Take it easy and enjoy the ride because before you know it -- you're sitting in an office, running low-grade fevers, staring at your computer screen asking how the heck you got there.

Holy Granola.

Look, discipline has never really been my thing. Just yesterday, I thought to myself after seeing some friends vlogs and blogs, "I really wanna do that too!" -- And then I remember I DO HAVE A BLOG.

Forgive my inconsistent posting. It's all for good reasons though. Life is just so grand right now that we've been rather busy. On top of that, working 40 hours a week makes it hard to fit smaller things into my schedule.

To bring you up to speed, Brian is officially the youth minister at a church in Brighton - about 25 miles north of Memphis. So, we're in the process of trying to move there and find a house. Yeah. That's a pretty big step for two very naive and clueless kids. But we love the area, adore the kids, and are just ready to plant our lives in a community that we can invest in and minister to.

I have a couple of things I'd like to blog about, but seeing as that I *am* on work time right now, I'm going to put that off. However, I'm putting it off with a promise to actually return to write it!

In the meantime, some thing for you to chew on:

"Ultimately, Jesus was calling them to abandon themselves. They were leaving certainty for uncertainty, safety for danger, self-preservation for self-denunciation. In a world that prizes promoting oneself, they were following a teacher who told them to crucify themselves. And history tells us the result. Almost all of them would lose their lives because they responded to his invitation." - excerpt from Chapter 1 of Radical by David Platt

Brian and I were discussing this the other night on our way home. Do we ever stop to realize or think about the first Christians? The ones who were so radically abandoned to Christ that they stopped at nothing to tell the world about what He had done for each and every one of them? Even if it cost them their LIVES!

Friends, that's why America has fallen to the pitiful spiritual state she is in today. We are all about a comfortable Christianity: the kind where we go sit in our cushioned pew for an hour a week, robotically sing a few lyrics without giving a thought to their meaning, and listen to some man say something about the Bible. Then we leave and assume we've "done our Holy deed" for the week. We spend the rest of time working to make money to spend on worthless "treasures" that have no eternal significance. Instead of asking the lady in front of us at the store if she knows Christ, we judge her by what she wears/says. We don't associate with the lowly because we are from another class. We watch movies that are in direct opposition to everything scripture teaches us (this is a biggie for me), and then we partake in our fleshly desires without concern.

What a twisted image of following Christ. I don't wonder why life (as a whole) is the way it is. God certainly cannot want to look down and see "His people" living the way we are, without giving one thought to accountability among the brethren. It has to pain his heart to see that we are so concerned with accumulating big houses, fancy cars, nice clothes, etc and only give a passing thought to the millions of people who die each day from STARVATION. We don't want to live a radical Christian life because, well, perhaps we don't really believe what we say we do.

If you haven't picked up Radical, I challenge you to do so. But beware, David Platt will step on your toes and make you very uncomfortable. But everything he presents is biblical. He does a great job in opening the reader's eyes to the truth that "The American Dream" isn't a biblical idea at all. It certainly broke me of my selfish ways and allowed me to take a hard look at the way I lived and the goals I was going after.

Okay, see, now I've gone on too long. :) Back to work.

2010, thus far...

I can't believe it's already September. This year has absolutely flown by. Of course, back in the spring I couldn't seem to graduate fast enough. Now I'm looking back and can't seem to understand where in the heck time has gone. I thought it might be fun to give a little look back on the year -- just highlights and such. :)

January -- Ella, our precious niece was born. She's been cute from day one, but take a look at how adorable she is these days:

February - We had quite possibly one of the best snow days I've seen in Mississippi in my entire life!

May - Graduated from MC with a Bachelor's in Communication/Theatre and a minor in Literature. Had no idea where to go from there, just like any new graduate. :) And yeah, I have pictures -- but they were terrible. So no posting for you!

July - Went with a group of crazy chirren to Grand Isle, LA to minister to families who lost income because of the oil rig mess. I got to see a baby gator close up. Gross

July - Packed up and moved from our first (albeit small and a little bleh) apartment to Cordova for Brian to begin his masters. Our old apartment was in shambles for days. Sure we had some fun there during our first year but I DON'T MISS IT! :)

August - First anniversary. Um, no photos. :)

Also, started my job!

I know that's not much of an update. If you're my facebook friend, then you probably knew most of this stuff. I just had to have my own little reminiscent moment.

Things to look forward to:

October -- seeing family, including Ella coming all the way from Texas

WICKED!!!

November -- Thanksgiving, which equals 2 days off which equals 2 days of NOT having to be up at 5:30 am.

Until then, I'll just keep on trucking. My body is still trying to be a college student and fight this "early to bed, early to rise" stuff. But I sure don't have a problem with spending money...on food.

:)

love and stuff to all.

*hangs head*

Okay. I won't lie. I have been avoiding writing this post for the longest time because of the sheer ignorance of my last one.

To be honest, I'm ashamed that I ever doubted God's provision. I didn't doubt He would provide. I just wanted it on MY time. I've been humbled a thousand and one times since then over all He's done.

Quick Update (to keep this ball rolling):

Brian and I now live in Cordova. The move was easy. We were also surprised when Brian's grandfather offered to pay for our moving expenses and when his parents gave us an unexpected monetary gift as well. Things were off to a pretty good start. I had a week with no job or plans to get our (really nice) apartment put together. It was also the week of our first anniversary. To be able to goof off without a care in the world or a schedule was so sweet. I guess God really does know what He's doing. Then, I interviewed for a job on our first Friday there and again on Monday and started on Wednesday as a Marketing specialist for a credit union. It's a great job, with great pay, even greater co-workers, and a sweet, sweet office. I get it, God. You were in control. Higher ways and thoughts, huh? :)

These days I work while Brian goes to class and is in the process of taking on a position with a church nearby with some of the most fun kids I've met. Honestly, working isn't my big priority in life. I never imagined myself to be much of a career woman, but for now it's definitely God's will. We will definitely be here for the next three years as Brian finishes his masters degree. In the meantime, we are praying hard about living in Europe after that and serve in the mission field somewhere. (Germany, England, Spain, Greece...any takers?)

Life is just as it should be -- even though there is no puppy (there certainly isn't going to be a baby anytime soon!). :)

Don't get me wrong. Everyday certainly has its tasks and sometimes troubles. But each day is more of a reminder of God's grace. I've never heard Him speak more clearly in my life than I have in these past few weeks. There are days when I want to get down on the fact that I've not accomplished any of those big dreams I had for myself and gone in the direction that I was headed a few months/years ago...but then I'm reminded that those dreams were MINE, not His. I'm not entertaining crowds of people every night, but I've never been happier being simply a small somebody living life for the Creator and doing my part to make His name great, not mine. Never thought I would be, either. But hey, you surprise yourself the older you get.

And anyway, there's always facebook for entertaining. ;)

Stay cool and stuff, y'all.

Ups and Downs

I can tell you for a fact that I am angry with God. I love Him. I am thankful for all He has done for us. But I am so mad with Him right now.

Here we are, a week out from moving, and no job. Nothing. I listened to Him when I turned down my job here and $36k a year. I heard Him saying "Don't take it. This isn't right. This isn't what I want for you." I nearly took it anyway. I almost willingly did something He told me not to. But in a broken moment, I said "Ok, God. You win." I wanted what HE wanted for us. I had been fighting going to seminary tooth and nail. I didn't want that. Not right now at least. But I was faithful.

I've been holding on to the hope of Him providing for two months now. One interview and two job opportunities that slipped by before I could interview later, NOTHING. I have applied to countless jobs of all sorts. I want to point my finger to the heavens and yell at Him. "You haven't kept your promise!" But when I do, I just feel Him telling me to have faith. He has provided our needs for this first month. We will be fed, have shelter, power, etc. But I just want to know if He knows about NEXT month. And the next. And the next. And the next.

If I was faithful, God, then why haven't you kept Your promise? I love Christ with every fiber of my being, but I feel like I am getting the short end of the stick.

Progress?

Well, since my post I have learned of two jobs -- very different from each other.

To begin with, I applied as Sports Marketing Representative for St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. That basically entails me finding ways to market fundraising and awareness for St. Jude at major sporting events. It would be pretty fun to do something like that and I would definitely LOVE to work for the cause. For some reason though, I'm not feeling too confident about it. I don't know. Just a feeling.

Then TODAY Brian's cousin, who is a 2nd grade teacher in Memphis, told me about a position at a high school in the Shelby County School District that is in need of a theatre teacher. BINGO!! So, I applied. I have been talking to God about this one aaaaaaalllllll day. This would be the perfect set up to do what I love and have a good gateway into grad school. I just keep telling myself that HE will do whatever HE sees best for my life. If I get it, praise Him. If I don't, praise Him. That's the lesson I'm learning. (But I really really really want it) :)

So, if you could, just say a prayer for me. I would be so thrilled to take this position. His timing.

In other news ::

Brian turns 25 on Sunday. What an old fella. And just like I always do, I gave him his birthday present early. Sigh. I couldn't help myself. I hadn't even had it for a full day and I gave in. He is pretty manipulative when it comes to gift giving. :)

Our good and very close friends -- Drew and Jenn -- told us today that they are expecting a little one. I'm so excited for them but so blown away by the fact that I have a number of friends who are expecting or are new parents. Whoa! That just doesn't seem right! Aren't we all supposed to be 16 and riding around at night with the windows down, looking for simple mischief? Holy granola. It's kinda difficult to not catch baby fever though. But luckily for me, just when I have the biggest bout of baby fever, logic hits and I realize that we have PUH-LENTY of time left for a child. Well, we hope!

Again, pray for me if you get the chance. And be sure to let me know how I can pray for YOU.

Monday, Monday.

I've never really liked Mondays. It used to be because that meant going back to class for the entire day after enjoying the weekend. These days, I don't like Mondays because everyone is at work...and I'm not! :)

It is not easy for me to enjoy being home right now. I'm a little tired of some maintenance issues in our apartment and am too ready to move to care to clean. Plus, when I do clean I feel like it just gets messed up as soon as it'd tidy! I blame that on Brian. :)

I still have this overwhelming desire to want to panic at the fact that I still don't have a job waiting on me when we move. My flesh wants to cry and panic and basically just throw a fit, but I still feel so confident that God is putting all the details together. In His time, He will reveal the plans. I know that. I really do.

Brian is well on his way to starting his M.Div at Mid-America. Our current pastor, Bro. Jeff, was once a missionary in Zimbabwe along with one of the professors on staff at Mid-America. He gave him a call the other day and Brian was able to talk to him and tell him some of our needs as far as jobs, scholarships, etc. He was so helpful and even asked us to come visit sometime and stay with him if need be. I just felt that that was God's way of saying "See, you little worry wart? I've got it all under control." :)

So that's where I am today...just learning to trust God's timing and will for our lives. I haven't realized until recently just how much I allow worry to control me. Instead of giving it all to God, I just sit and chew and chew on things that really have no significance in the Kingdom. Instead of chewing these days, I'm working on committing my worries and concerns to God through prayer and doing my best to simply forget about my troubles and rely on His might. It's not easy, but it sure has been an interesting lesson.

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. -- Hebrews 4:16

Behind already.

See? I said a once-a-week post and I'm already behind!

In all fairness, last week was pretty crazy. My family was in town for my college graduation (woot!) and mom stayed the entire week so I was pretty busy going back and forth and hanging out with family and friends.

Anyway, things have settled down so I hope to keep up with the one post a week thing -- maybe more. I'm not doing much these days.

I'll be honest. I've been a little anxious recently trying to see how God is putting the pieces to this new puzzle together. To begin with, let me just say that I have the most wonderful husband on the planet. Sure, he has flaws. But when it comes to me, he gives 100% all of the time. I know without a doubt that he loves me, is completely loyal, and would do anything for me.

Brian assures me that I can take this time of transition to do what I want. But, I would like to find a job to help out with moving expenses. I know I don't necessarily HAVE to, but I am looking. So far, no good. I feel like I'm not contributing anything. But just when I feel myself wanting to panic, I am overwhelmed with feelings of assurance and peace from God. I know He is going to take care of us. I don't know how, but I feel He is already working towards making all these loose ends meet.

Speaking of jobs, I am still searching for one in Memphis. Yeah, some days I ask myself why I turned down 36k/year plus benefits. It makes no sense at all. Not in worldly standards, at least. But I am positive that this was the call God had on our lives. To leave and go on to bigger things now and watch HIM do all the work -- if we remain faithful. But, if anyone out there knows of anything in the Memphis/Cordova area, let me know! :)

This really is such a faith journey for the both of us. I just love the peace and assurance that God is delivering me daily. It isn't easy to fully trust and let go, but I know He is in this. And I'm just waiting to see what cool things He's gonna do.

Breaking Stuff.

God's doing it. Especially in my life.

Today, I turned down a job...a very WELL paying job...because I knew the Lord was calling me to. It hurt. A lot. Knowing we could have been financially stable, without a care in the world...that was a nice feeling. But God kept tugging and tugging and pulling and pulling. It seemed like the perfect set up. But it just wasn't His plan for us.

Our lives are quickly changing. It's scary and frustrating. But I have to rely on the knowledge that "He who began a good work in [me] will be faithful to complete it until the day of our Lord Jesus Christ." God is still working on me, on us. He is always working. I have to be willing to say yes to Him, even if that means turning down seemingly wonderful opportunities.

So, lead me Lord. Because I have no idea where we are headed. And that's okay.

It's like someone got inside my head...

...and wrote this song about my heart and how I feel about God.

This is "Pieces" by Red.

"Pieces"

I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your eye

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole!

I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

________________________________

The part that is in bold is beautiful. The singer is basically screaming at the top of his lungs. It's so tragic. You can hear it in his voice. It's exactly how I feel.

I messed up. I failed. But I tried. Do you hear me, GOD!?! I TRIED SO HARD! I DID IT ON MY OWN! I TRIED I TRIED I TRIED!!... I failed.

I can't do it on my own. But I'm experiencing a beautiful brokenness that is reminding me that God will not use a person greatly until He breaks them deeply.

I tried so hard. But I did it without Him. Now, it's time to hold His hand all the way.

Colossians 3:17

"And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father."

I consider myself a person of faith. Not just faith, but a follower of Christ. If asked, I would tell you that my faith and relationship with Christ are the two most important factors of my life and who I am today.

The problem, however, lies in the day to day. You see, the Lord blessed me with a lot in life but one thing I think I may have missed out on is discipline. All you have to do is step into my apartment and you'll quickly see that to be true. You'll find hints of one who really desires to have a spotless and perfect abode, but just can't get it done.

Perhaps what I should say is - I'm lazy. And this shows in a lot of areas in my life. Throughout college, I maintained good grades - mostly As. The classes I made Bs in were the ones that I didn't try hard enough. I did enough to get by. I do enough to get by with a good many things in life, unfortunately...one of those being my relationship with Christ. That's where this blog comes in.

No, I don't plan to chronicle my personal musings with God. I don't want to rant on the far right issues to side with extremist Christians and Republicans. I simply want accountability. I feel that writing in this blog will allow me to do just that. It's a chronicle, if you will, of my journey from lazy to disciplined. From good to great. From complacency to passion.

I want this to be a kickstart to a lifestyle of living, breathing, and doing all for Christ. So often I let myself fall and stumble because of those around me or exceptions I want to make. I never want to be in-your-face about God but I sometimes allow that to make me silent on the issue.

Hopefully this blog will allow keep me accountable. One blog a week. I know, that seems pretty...small...but that is a HUGE step for someone who only writes in her personal journal once every 11 months or so (not on purpose, either). I'm not doing this for followers. I'm not doing this for recognition. I'm doing this for me.

...and if I happen to have an inspiring word every now and then...well so be it.