Lord, make the desire of my heart be to serve you in every capacity, every situation, every day, every possible way you provide, and with every fiber of my being.
Remind me of Your sheer power and might. Remind me that You are the Author, Creator, and Sustainer of not only my life, but of all life.
May Your glory move me to worship and live a lifestyle of continued, genuine worship.
May Your presence be ever before me. May I never walk ahead and become too enthralled by my own agendas and dreams.
Remind me when I'm hurting and worried that You have a plan for prosperity in my life and not harm (Jer. 29:11). Remind me that You are the God of all flesh and that nothing is too difficult for you (Jer. 32:27). Remind me that you are with me and will uphold me (Is. 41:10).
May I never waste another day and may I be ever mindful of Your return and the work that is to be done - the work that I am to do during this time that You have given me.
When He shall come with trumpet sound
O, may I then in Him be found
Dressed in His righteousness alone
Faultless to stand before the throne.
Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Jacob David Adams
That's right.
It's a boy!
On Monday, Brian and I got to see our sweet baby for the first time in 12 weeks! Of course, we were anticipating what every Mom and Dad to be anticipates most at the anatomy scan -- would we be buying pink or blue? I can't really say that we were surprised when the ultrasound technician quietly, but sweetly said "It's a boy!". All along, each member of our family has guessed boy and we sort of had an inkling ourselves.
But boy oh boy. What a sweet surprise nonetheless.
Sweet Jacob was cuter than I ever could have imagined. As soon as his image popped on the screen, we could see his mouth moving. He was drinking fluid nonstop. What an adorable sight! He just kept going for more and my heart starting beating so fast.
Totally, completely, undeniably IN LOVE with this baby!
Throughout the rest of the scan (in which we learned Jacob is perfectly healthy as of now, praise God), he showed off in his own little way. For one, his mouth was rarely closed. Yep, that's my child for sure! On top of that, he kept his hands at his, ahem...crotch...whenever the technician was trying to get good shots. Even the tech laughed - "just like a boy," she chuckled.
He flipped over about a million times - a weird thing to feel and see at the same time. He also loved to cover his face with his sweet little hands.
We had names picked out going into the scan, so it was so neat to look on the screen and know "that's Jacob!"
SIDE NOTE: For those of you wondering about the name, allow me to tell the story of how it came to be. "David" was a no-brainer, as that is Brian's father's name and he's always wanted to honor him by naming his first son after him. So, that left us looking for the first name. I never quite thought we'd be "those people" - the typical minister/seminary couples who choose only Biblical names, but our name list quickly developed to be a list of people from the Bible or Hebrew names rooted with deep spiritual meaning. I don't know what the defining moment was, but one day, Brian and I both just agreed that Jacob is exactly what we wanted to name our little guy - should Baby Adams be a little guy. So there you have it: Jacob David Adams.
Aside from the scan, this week has just been a great one. Jacob is moving and kicking a WHOLE lot these days. There are times when I wonder if he's going to bust outta there! It's strange, both Brian and my mom have felt his kicks, but they keep saying they're very light and easy to miss. But to me, it feels like he's got some big ol' feet already!
Needless to say, we are thrilled to be halfway through this pregnancy and to be on the downhill side. We've started making minor preparations to convert the extra bedroom into the nursery. That of course means we have a lot of cleaning and packing to do.
As fast as the first half as flown by, I know the last half will fly by as well. But there are some days when the first of May seems way too far away. I'll probably be laughing at that thought once Jacob gets here - missing the days of naps and full night's sleeps (well, fuller night's sleeps).
We can't wait to share Jacob with friends and family and start this incredibly fun journey as a family of three. Until then, we'll be here - scrambling to get things together, wondering how it's all going to work out, freaking out most days, and loving our little man as he gets ready to make his entrance onto the stage of life. :)
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Havin' a baby, what a wonderful way to say...
Whatever you want if you're an outsider, apparently.
What is it about pregnancy that makes the whole outside world assume they have the freedom to impose their heavily opinionated thoughts on you? It's an epidemic! It's everywhere! ...It's annoying.
Mind you, I don't mind the less invasive pieces of advice. By all means, I love when veteran moms tell me what kind of bottles are best or offer tips on breastfeeding and the like. I don't know the first thing about parenting just yet, so I'm all ears for stuff like that. But when others start weeding their way into our personal business and make assumptions on our ABILITY to parent? Oh that's when it's gonna get ugly. Real ugly.
Details? You're not going to get many here. But I will say this: Brian and I are in a time of transition like NO OTHER. I have never known emotions like this. To be simultaneously more excited than I can bear on top of so stressed that I just want to retreat into the comfort zone known as "Mom and Dad's house" permanently is an overwhelming moment in life.
I will not hide the fact that Brian is between jobs. Tis the life of ministry. We left our last church on a very strong calling and have been patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) been waiting on the Lord to reveal more details. But we all know, He doesn't exactly work on our time. Needless to say, we've been in a giant waiting game for a while and it's getting a tad bit tiring. I can say, gratefully, that He is slowly unveiling His plan for us and providing us with what looks to be an incredible opportunity to not only get plugged into ministry but plugged in with PEOPLE as well. If you've read any previous posts, you know how much the opportunity to make new friends is a welcomed change for me!
No one knows more than we do how scary this time has been. If it was just the two of us, it wouldn't really bother me. But look, I - more than ANYONE - am very well aware of the life growing inside me. I mean, we're at the point where s/he lets me know s/he is there (calling all universities - we've got a great punter for your football team in about 19 years). There is so much pressure to be able to provide every little thing we could ever want for this child. Our deepest desire is to provide well for it. And I am confident that we are and will continue to do so after this little babe makes its official appearance. The Lord gives and we trust He will continue to bless.
What is most disheartening, I suppose, are the conversations we've been forced to be a part of by people who we expected to understand the notion of faith. FAITH. You know, the evidence of things not seen? All that good stuff? Yeah. Sometimes, it seems as though people assume that since we don't exactly know every detail of our future that perhaps God no longer favors us. Seriously.
Does anyone remember Joseph? Job? Paul? Any of these names ring a bell?
These men all shared something in common. While they were incredibly committed to God and His work, they suffered: and God allowed them to. Their stories are outstanding examples of unwavering faith and God's true hand of provision in their lives as they endured trials and storms. Each one came out with stronger faith than they went in with.
By no means do I equate myself with Paul. I am far from it. But I don't understand why people can read these stories in the Word yet fail to see that trials can still be a blessing in modern day. Do I want to be tortured with the unknown and constantly wonder what's next? No way. But what I do know is that God is using this time to prepare me (and Brian) for something so much bigger.
Romans 5:3-5 says:
"And not only this, but we exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
Why do we all freak out when God decides to stretch us? I'm pretty sure there's a similar verse in James that states that we should rejoice in our trials and to let it be an opportunity for joy - for, when our faith is tested, our endurance has a chance to grow and then we will be strong in character and ready for anything.
So, while I may be frustrated when others try to solve our problems in attempts to make us appear more stable and fit to be parents, I've resolved to remember these men of the Bible and the promises God has given us of His provision, even in times of trouble.
Let us not forget that trials are an opportunity to grow closer to Christ. They're a time of worship! They're a time to remember that God is the ultimate Healer, Deliverer, and Provider and in HIS TIME, He will show Himself and His will.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ." 1 Corinthians 1:3-5
Times like these make me grateful for the memories of washing dishes with my mom when I was young and singing this song together:
Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come? Why should my heart feel lonely and long for heaven and home, when Jesus is my portion? A constant friend is He! His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Really??
I'm three weeks away from finding out the gender of our baby. Oh. My. Goodness.
God is better than good.
Earlier this year, I had no idea that this could even be a reality. But here we are, finalizing name choices, doing our homework on the best of all things baby, and even panicking some moments.
To be honest, there have been a lot of days - especially recently - where we have to stop and ask ourselves if we are ready emotionally, physically, financially... This little bit was a complete and total surprise and it's easy to let that overwhelm us. But I have to remember that it was no surprise to God. As cheesy as it sounds to some, it's all a part of His perfect plan for us - even if we don't know how everything is going to work out. Ministry and seminary living doesn't exactly mean we are in the top tax brackets here, but God is faithful and has continued to provide and I trust that He will continue to do so - even in the moments where we are at OUR wits end.
And I realize still that I have a long way to go. This could all end in a moment, but I can say that I've never been more grateful and more humbled as I have been during this time. I will always cherish this blessing and these moments. I'll trust Him every step.
So that's that. Just grateful tonight for big blessings even in the midst of stressful days.
December 10. We'll see you then, little bit.
God is better than good.
Earlier this year, I had no idea that this could even be a reality. But here we are, finalizing name choices, doing our homework on the best of all things baby, and even panicking some moments.
To be honest, there have been a lot of days - especially recently - where we have to stop and ask ourselves if we are ready emotionally, physically, financially... This little bit was a complete and total surprise and it's easy to let that overwhelm us. But I have to remember that it was no surprise to God. As cheesy as it sounds to some, it's all a part of His perfect plan for us - even if we don't know how everything is going to work out. Ministry and seminary living doesn't exactly mean we are in the top tax brackets here, but God is faithful and has continued to provide and I trust that He will continue to do so - even in the moments where we are at OUR wits end.
And I realize still that I have a long way to go. This could all end in a moment, but I can say that I've never been more grateful and more humbled as I have been during this time. I will always cherish this blessing and these moments. I'll trust Him every step.
So that's that. Just grateful tonight for big blessings even in the midst of stressful days.
December 10. We'll see you then, little bit.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
time for rest.
Last week, Brian was invited to speak to a youth group at a local church near home. It was a pretty great experience. The church was awesome, the people were warm and welcoming, and the youth were really energetic. We even got to meet couples around/near OUR AGE. I had no idea these people existed! Seriously! It was a refreshing experience - mostly because I was not in charge of a single thing.
I realize how selfish and lazy that sounds. But can I be honest with you?
After two+ years as an instrumentalist/worship leader/media gal/recreation figure-outer without having a sunday school or small group to lean on, ministry got tiring for me.
Is that terrible? I know it sounds terrible.
Don't get me wrong. I loved every facet of everything on my plate. I did. But it just got to where it was a little too much all at once. Sundays and Wednesdays got to be more about checking off a to-do list and I admit, I lost sight of what was really important: communion with Christ. It's easy for anyone to do, really. And it happened to me.
Aside from overloading myself, I was overcome by loneliness of the worst kind. Yes, I have a fantastic husband who I share every moment with. But sometimes, we need peers. Women need women. While I did have one or two ladies in my life that I could share with, it wasn't as often as I craved or needed. They came from different worlds, too (children). I was still lacking in that true fellowship with the body. Fellowship, for me, had becoming shaking hands and smiling and exchanging pleasantries between services and that was about it. There were a lot of nights that I would cry, just wishing my friends were closer - most are 3+ hours away, and my best friend is in AFRICA for crying out loud. At the very least, I wished I could make a friend close in age and close to home that I could truly share things with as a sister in Christ. I've always been an extremely relational gal, and to not have that type of friendship nearby was truly crippling me.
To make a long story short, God saw fit to end our time at the church we were serving at. In a lot of ways - it was very much needed - on both sides. Anyone tied to ministry knows that leaving is tough. This was certainly the case for us as well. There were youth there that we simply hated to leave. But we knew with absolute certainty that God had something else in store for us.
And that is where we are now. Just waiting until He reveals the next step. It's been a weird time, but a time of rest like no other. I've been able to truly sit down and just listen instead of look for ways to keep myself busy. I don't have to-do lists at the moment and I can just focus on my relationship with Christ.
The Lord is really teaching me what it means to BE STILL. I see that things won't fall apart if I don't have my hand in them. I knew this all along, really. I know I'm a professional amateur and there's nothing really that I possess that makes me great. I just simply always had to be busy with something. I guess it's that controlling side. Got that from you, Mom. Thanks ;)
I'm trusting that the season He is entering us into is one of continued rest accompanied by fellowship with couples we can come to count on and trust - not only as members of the body but as true friends.
Every step, every season is an adventure - a lesson.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Fighting thoughts of fear
How can something so tiny make itself known in my thoughts in such a big way?
I promise you that I can't go two minutes without thinking of this child. In my head, I can still hear the muffled blub-blub-blub of his/her heartbeat. Every little twinge in my body cues me in to what may or may not be happening.
I'm overwhelmed with joy most moments. But honestly, today I am so scared that I feel as though I'm suffocating. I am scared to be excited because the very plain and simple truth is, this all could end in a moment. It could be over weeks before I even know it's over
And yes, I know that is no way to move on through this journey. What good will thoughts like that do me? None. I know.
But I'm afraid that perhaps God's will for this child isn't my will. I read stories and know friends and friends of friends who have made it through that tricky first trimester and gone on to lose their babies at 16, 18, 22, 28 weeks and more. I know women who have lost their babies just days before they were to be born.
This is all so scary. This is almost too much. To want something so very badly and yet have no way of knowing it will come to complete fruition is frightening.
I know that ALL things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28). I have no sign or reason to believe anything bad is happening.
I want to be able to open my hands and lift up this matter and say "Not my will, but Yours be done." Because I know that He has taken every trial and heartache in my life and brought joy and understanding and peace through it all. But this... I feel myself greedily grasping this situation as if I can hide it from God's providential hand - because I want this. I want this. I want this.
Today is a struggle. Yes, I am grateful and excited for the life in me and the gift He has so graciously bestowed upon my life. I'm so grateful. I'm so humbled.
But honestly, I am so scared.
It takes every ounce of strength to hide the hesitations I have in saying this, but nevertheless I know I need to:
Not my will, but Yours, o Lord.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
In every season...
All of my life, in every season, You are still God.
I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.
These are the song lyrics that plagued my head on March 22, as I sat in a hospital room with Brian on that cool spring evening and heard the doctor confirm that not only was I pregnant, but that it was NOT an ectopic pregnancy like we feared. All I could remember was beaming from ear to ear and silently singing these words. "God, you are faithful," was all I could think to utter.
These are the song lyrics that invaded my heart the night my mother came to take me back to my parents house to endure the miscarriage of the child I would never hold. It was a fairly silent ride, as I processed what was about to happened and already yearned for Brian to be able to come join me as we secretly got away from life as we knew it to endure our first loss together. Even still, all I knew to say was "God, you are faithful."
These are the song lyrics that comforted me in the times that I reflected on what never would be. The words that I meditated on when I felt like I was being swallowed by heavy darkness. I knew that God was still faithful.
These song lyrics that played in the foyer the first day back to work for the school year that reminded me of how faithful God was and how He had shown His providence day after day and brought me unspeakable joy that my flesh thought I'd surely never find again.
These are the same lyrics that overtook me as Brian and I smiled with uncertainty, but a bit of hope, at the two very strong pink lines on the bathroom counter on September 8. I meditated on the message of this song as we continued about the rest of the day as if nothing special had happened. Even in cautious fear and excitement, I was reminded that God is faithful.
And yes, these are the words that resonated within my soul on September 19 at 11:00 AM as Brian and I saw our baby's strong heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. God, you are faithful.
And I'm telling you now, that whether this sweet, precious gift makes it to our world on May 5 as we hope it does, or if it quickly whisked away to the arms of Christ before it is ever placed into mine, I will constantly, consistently, and confidently be singing this very song. Because God is faithful.
This is my prayer in the harvest,
when favor and providence flow.
I know I'm filled to be emptied again.
This seed I've received I will sow.
I will bring praise,
I will bring praise.
No weapon formed against me shall remain.
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory, and He is here.
All of my life, in every season,
You are still God.
I have a reason to sing.
I have a reason to worship.
As always, your prayers are appreciated...more than you know!
Friday, August 10, 2012
Would have beens...
A few days ago, I posted a status about my biological clock ticking. Geez louise, I never thought I'd receive so much flack for a silly thought. Originally, when I posted it, my intentions were as they usually always are when I post a facebook status: get a laugh. Comments I received both online and in person from various people though encouraged my own mind to take it a bit further and (admittedly) get a little more irritated than I should have.
LAURA LEIGH: "If you hear some racket, I apologize. My biological clock is ticking louder than a jet plane"
RESPONSES: "You're just a baby yourself." "Oh my gosh. You're so dramatic." ...And my personal favorite that is becoming almost an everyday response: "You guys should seriously be grateful you have time alone."
I'm trying not write about this topic anymore. I really am. I promise. I know everyone is sick of it. But today... I have thoughts I just have to release somewhere.
Was I primarily attempting to be funny? Yes. I enjoy making others laugh. Was there truth behind it? ABSOLUTELY.
I know it's not anyone's job to carry my burden and remember my heartaches. But the thought never leaves ME each day as to how far along I would have been by now.
This week I would have been just right at halfway through my pregnancy. I'd be looking for my feet, indulging myself with more sweets and donuts than most normal people because I could, picking out furniture and baby clothes - (pink or blue? I like to think blue) - and probably driving Brian up the wall with my horribly crazy emotions (then again, I probably AM doing that now).
In December, we'll be going to Disneyworld with Brian's family for Christmas. And while I am so excited I can barely hold my bladder thinking about it sometimes, I know that at some point during the trip, I'll probably have to find a corner to lose it in. I won't be able to shake the inevitable thought (hopefully quick and fleeting) that I would have been holding a baby in my arms, had things worked out. I wouldn't have even been able to BE at Disneyworld. Don't get me wrong (especially family that may stumble upon this), I'll be totally stoked to be hanging with Mickey. My point is that, even in the midst of extreme happy moments, your mind just can't forget.
My heart still beats for a child I'll never get to hold - not on this side of heaven anyway. And while I may be young, that doesn't take away the fact that I still hurt for what isn't. I have made huge strides in this grieving process and I am nowhere near the basket case I was 4 months ago. But I still hurt.
I wish sometimes that I could just forget - not only forget it happened, but forget it existed. The rest of the people in my world have moved on, not insensitively so. It's just like all things with life - we sympathize with people, but we have our own worries and struggles. I'm sure I've forgotten about the struggles of my friends and family frequently, but not willingly. I get it.
I just wish people would quit with the comments. "You're young....You guys are so lucky to have time alone together... YOU'RE TOO DRAMATIC."
At the mere age of 24, I never expected to get pregnant. But I did. And now, at the mere age of 24, I grieve the loss of my child. THAT is what baffles me. To be so young and hurt like this - an issue I never even expected to BE an issue.
I can't simply forget. If you've read any of my latest posts, you'll see that I have issues with that. Obviously. I know some people are way past this "Laura Leigh and miscarriage" thing. Please hear me, I do. I want to write about stupid simple things, but this place has become the place where I can just vomit my feelings and leave feeling better.
So understand, I'm not trying to be dramatic. I AM grateful for the time that Brian and I have together, just the two of us. I'm young (and plan to be for a while!).
But behind the silly antics, when the excitement dies down and I'm alone to my thoughts, I'm reminded of what's happened. I remember joyfully. I remember painfully.
And at the end of it all, I'm just glad that I remember.
LAURA LEIGH: "If you hear some racket, I apologize. My biological clock is ticking louder than a jet plane"
RESPONSES: "You're just a baby yourself." "Oh my gosh. You're so dramatic." ...And my personal favorite that is becoming almost an everyday response: "You guys should seriously be grateful you have time alone."
I'm trying not write about this topic anymore. I really am. I promise. I know everyone is sick of it. But today... I have thoughts I just have to release somewhere.
Was I primarily attempting to be funny? Yes. I enjoy making others laugh. Was there truth behind it? ABSOLUTELY.
I know it's not anyone's job to carry my burden and remember my heartaches. But the thought never leaves ME each day as to how far along I would have been by now.
This week I would have been just right at halfway through my pregnancy. I'd be looking for my feet, indulging myself with more sweets and donuts than most normal people because I could, picking out furniture and baby clothes - (pink or blue? I like to think blue) - and probably driving Brian up the wall with my horribly crazy emotions (then again, I probably AM doing that now).
In December, we'll be going to Disneyworld with Brian's family for Christmas. And while I am so excited I can barely hold my bladder thinking about it sometimes, I know that at some point during the trip, I'll probably have to find a corner to lose it in. I won't be able to shake the inevitable thought (hopefully quick and fleeting) that I would have been holding a baby in my arms, had things worked out. I wouldn't have even been able to BE at Disneyworld. Don't get me wrong (especially family that may stumble upon this), I'll be totally stoked to be hanging with Mickey. My point is that, even in the midst of extreme happy moments, your mind just can't forget.
My heart still beats for a child I'll never get to hold - not on this side of heaven anyway. And while I may be young, that doesn't take away the fact that I still hurt for what isn't. I have made huge strides in this grieving process and I am nowhere near the basket case I was 4 months ago. But I still hurt.
I wish sometimes that I could just forget - not only forget it happened, but forget it existed. The rest of the people in my world have moved on, not insensitively so. It's just like all things with life - we sympathize with people, but we have our own worries and struggles. I'm sure I've forgotten about the struggles of my friends and family frequently, but not willingly. I get it.
I just wish people would quit with the comments. "You're young....You guys are so lucky to have time alone together... YOU'RE TOO DRAMATIC."
At the mere age of 24, I never expected to get pregnant. But I did. And now, at the mere age of 24, I grieve the loss of my child. THAT is what baffles me. To be so young and hurt like this - an issue I never even expected to BE an issue.
I can't simply forget. If you've read any of my latest posts, you'll see that I have issues with that. Obviously. I know some people are way past this "Laura Leigh and miscarriage" thing. Please hear me, I do. I want to write about stupid simple things, but this place has become the place where I can just vomit my feelings and leave feeling better.
So understand, I'm not trying to be dramatic. I AM grateful for the time that Brian and I have together, just the two of us. I'm young (and plan to be for a while!).
But behind the silly antics, when the excitement dies down and I'm alone to my thoughts, I'm reminded of what's happened. I remember joyfully. I remember painfully.
And at the end of it all, I'm just glad that I remember.
Monday, July 9, 2012
A gift?
For those of you who took the time to read my latest posts that are SUPER wordy: a gift (?) for you --- thanks to photobooth
Stuck
...That's how I've felt lately. Stuck.
You know, I've got friends all over the world (literally) who are busy achieving great things and reaching goals and dreaming wild things each day. My social media feeds are clogged with those dearest to me who have finally got that job they wanted or moved into that house they've been eyeing and having that baby and becoming that person they've wanted to be for a lifetime.
And here I am. Stuck.
Don't get me wrong. I know behind the facade of Facebook, each of these people have their own struggles. I know life isn't as perfect as the news feed would have me to believe. But, the enemy is pretty good at remembering comparison is my biggest weakness.
After my stint in marketing - my first job in which I learned that I hated marketing and the corporate world - I shifted my career path into education. For a while, it seemed to be going well. And then, as it always happens, a storm came. Changes had to be made. And as always, the storm sucked at first. But then, things cleared up and settled down. Life got a bit easier and the direction got a little clearer. I wasn't in a high school classroom anymore, and that was okay by me. I was surrounded by amazing women everyday who encouraged me and really took the time to invest in a young girl - something that every teacher on my hall at ?HS had never done or cared to do. So, I spent a year teaching preschool. It was way more challenging than I could have imagined, but I made it.
I suppose though, that's where the comparison initially began. My heart was in Theatre and I (me, me, me) wanted to be teaching theatre and sharing what truly is a passion for me. Plus, a few snarky comments from friends about how I didn't have a "real job" kinda stung and motivated me to find another place - a place where people would appreciate me and find value in me.
So, I got back on the high school train. I applied and applied and applied and applied. Aaaaaaaand, here I am. To date, not one phone call or email from any interested party. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm looking for a teaching position in the most tense school district in the nation at this point in time. I can't go into those details, or I'd be here all night. But if you're interested, just google "Shelby County TN School Merger" and then have your mind blown at the nonsense. Yeah, hiring isn't really on everyone's minds at this point. Lucky me.
Anyway, I knew my fallback would be the preschool should no one hire me. I was honest with my boss and let her know what was up. She's a pretty great woman and promised to hold a spot for me, knowing that would be a risk for her as a school could hire me at any point.
Long story short, it's pretty apparent I'll be back at the preschool again. Only this time, I'll be with a younger age. In comes the ol' comparison monster again. I have friends getting hired to teach and do what they love. My best friend is moving to AFRICA and teaching/being a missionary. How could what I do (or will be doing) be of any importance compared to THAT? How will others find any value in what I do? How can I? Here I am, almost done with my masters and this is it? That's all?
I've been offered jobs everywhere else - everywhere else that I'm not. I could pack up tomorrow and have a job teaching exactly what I want to teach exactly where I want to teach it. Brian and I both could leave and just pick up anywhere. Unfortunately, there is this thing called grad school nailing both our feet to the ground. And a youth group that, although at times drives us to our wits end, needs its leader. I just want people to know that I AM valuable and wanted in other places. We both are. But, we're stuck, for lack of better terms.
I am such a selfishly minded person. I get that.
The bottom line? God's doing a BIG work in my life. He's teaching me a lot about patience (see previous posts, HA), timing (again, previous posts) and most importantly -- He's teaching me about humility.
To begin with, who is to say that what I do isn't important? Did you know that a large base of our parents who have enrolled their children at our preschool are unchurched? That some don't even believe in a God at all? I bet if you think about it, those of you who went to church a time or two can remember a song or story that your teacher taught you as a small child. Memories have a way of sticking around, don't they?
You know, the problem is I feel like I have to convince people around me that what I do is in important. But really, I have to convince myself.
To those of you in my life who are reading this, know that I count my blessings. I do know how blessed I am to be in a church that meets our needs. I know I'm lucky to have a group of teenagers who teach me more each day than I could ever teach them. I'm so blessed to live in this great apartment furnished with all our "stuff" that we don't really need. I totally understand I'm blessed where I am. I just have to admit I'm human and I struggle with feeling like I'm missing out on something. Don't we all?
No matter where I (you) am in life, God's got a purpose for it. It may not be everything I wish it would be. But who's to say He isn't trying to teach me something for the road ahead? Who's to say I'm not making an unseen impact - that maybe the fruits will never be evident to my eyes, but still come to be because of my willingness to just BE wherever He says to be. Perhaps I need to learn to shut up and think less about how my life appears to others and pay more attention to making the most of whatever time I have left on this earth and making a difference.
Thanks for letting me spew a bit. I love how therapeutic writing can be. This post began as a means for me to prove myself to others and ended up proving a lot more to me. Sneaky irony.
You know, I've got friends all over the world (literally) who are busy achieving great things and reaching goals and dreaming wild things each day. My social media feeds are clogged with those dearest to me who have finally got that job they wanted or moved into that house they've been eyeing and having that baby and becoming that person they've wanted to be for a lifetime.
And here I am. Stuck.
Don't get me wrong. I know behind the facade of Facebook, each of these people have their own struggles. I know life isn't as perfect as the news feed would have me to believe. But, the enemy is pretty good at remembering comparison is my biggest weakness.
After my stint in marketing - my first job in which I learned that I hated marketing and the corporate world - I shifted my career path into education. For a while, it seemed to be going well. And then, as it always happens, a storm came. Changes had to be made. And as always, the storm sucked at first. But then, things cleared up and settled down. Life got a bit easier and the direction got a little clearer. I wasn't in a high school classroom anymore, and that was okay by me. I was surrounded by amazing women everyday who encouraged me and really took the time to invest in a young girl - something that every teacher on my hall at ?HS had never done or cared to do. So, I spent a year teaching preschool. It was way more challenging than I could have imagined, but I made it.
I suppose though, that's where the comparison initially began. My heart was in Theatre and I (me, me, me) wanted to be teaching theatre and sharing what truly is a passion for me. Plus, a few snarky comments from friends about how I didn't have a "real job" kinda stung and motivated me to find another place - a place where people would appreciate me and find value in me.
So, I got back on the high school train. I applied and applied and applied and applied. Aaaaaaaand, here I am. To date, not one phone call or email from any interested party. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm looking for a teaching position in the most tense school district in the nation at this point in time. I can't go into those details, or I'd be here all night. But if you're interested, just google "Shelby County TN School Merger" and then have your mind blown at the nonsense. Yeah, hiring isn't really on everyone's minds at this point. Lucky me.
Anyway, I knew my fallback would be the preschool should no one hire me. I was honest with my boss and let her know what was up. She's a pretty great woman and promised to hold a spot for me, knowing that would be a risk for her as a school could hire me at any point.
Long story short, it's pretty apparent I'll be back at the preschool again. Only this time, I'll be with a younger age. In comes the ol' comparison monster again. I have friends getting hired to teach and do what they love. My best friend is moving to AFRICA and teaching/being a missionary. How could what I do (or will be doing) be of any importance compared to THAT? How will others find any value in what I do? How can I? Here I am, almost done with my masters and this is it? That's all?
I've been offered jobs everywhere else - everywhere else that I'm not. I could pack up tomorrow and have a job teaching exactly what I want to teach exactly where I want to teach it. Brian and I both could leave and just pick up anywhere. Unfortunately, there is this thing called grad school nailing both our feet to the ground. And a youth group that, although at times drives us to our wits end, needs its leader. I just want people to know that I AM valuable and wanted in other places. We both are. But, we're stuck, for lack of better terms.
I am such a selfishly minded person. I get that.
The bottom line? God's doing a BIG work in my life. He's teaching me a lot about patience (see previous posts, HA), timing (again, previous posts) and most importantly -- He's teaching me about humility.
To begin with, who is to say that what I do isn't important? Did you know that a large base of our parents who have enrolled their children at our preschool are unchurched? That some don't even believe in a God at all? I bet if you think about it, those of you who went to church a time or two can remember a song or story that your teacher taught you as a small child. Memories have a way of sticking around, don't they?
You know, the problem is I feel like I have to convince people around me that what I do is in important. But really, I have to convince myself.
To those of you in my life who are reading this, know that I count my blessings. I do know how blessed I am to be in a church that meets our needs. I know I'm lucky to have a group of teenagers who teach me more each day than I could ever teach them. I'm so blessed to live in this great apartment furnished with all our "stuff" that we don't really need. I totally understand I'm blessed where I am. I just have to admit I'm human and I struggle with feeling like I'm missing out on something. Don't we all?
No matter where I (you) am in life, God's got a purpose for it. It may not be everything I wish it would be. But who's to say He isn't trying to teach me something for the road ahead? Who's to say I'm not making an unseen impact - that maybe the fruits will never be evident to my eyes, but still come to be because of my willingness to just BE wherever He says to be. Perhaps I need to learn to shut up and think less about how my life appears to others and pay more attention to making the most of whatever time I have left on this earth and making a difference.
Thanks for letting me spew a bit. I love how therapeutic writing can be. This post began as a means for me to prove myself to others and ended up proving a lot more to me. Sneaky irony.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Reaching
Last week, for the first time ever, Brian and I both were able to go on an extended trip with our youth. In the past, he or I have either been busy with work or classes and would have to draw straws on who would go while we the other stayed behind to tend to business. This year, we both finally had clear schedules and were able to trot off into the extreme heat with 15 youth, our fearless bus driver Ed, and my awesome mom, who volunteered to be our extra chaperone.
So, off we went to Grand Isle, Louisiana as we partnered with our "home church" - Southside Baptist. I don't exactly know what I expected to come from this trip. I think I built it up to be this time that would cement leadership abilities. I was just certain that my heart was ready to do some ministry, but honestly? God did a lot more work on my heart that I thought I even needed. I wasn't quite as prepared and "seasoned" as I expected.
I started the week off in a pretty crappy state, emotionally speaking. Lately, and for some unknown reason, I have been super sensitive to this baby/pregnancy/miscarriage thing. I mean cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-whoa-mama-hide-ya-kids-that's-scary type of sensitivity. I realized early on in the trip that Satan was trying to kick me at my lowest. He knows my weak spot. He knew I was eager to see great things accomplished. He knew how to make me the "dead leg". And for a few days, as I hate to admit, it worked. I sat on the beach during our morning devotion asking God all the typical "why" questions, even though I got my answer months ago when I wrote my first blog post about it happening. I knew God was God and that He does as He wills, but I went right back to the "why me?" phase. It didn't help that we had originally talked about telling the kids I was pregnant while we were on the trip. So there we were, with no news to share, and I decided to play the party pooper card. Way to go, LL.
I remember specifically one morning on the beach, as I looked out into the endless horizon, praying fervently for God to give me a baby. (I was at that crazy lady desperation stage, I admit it.) "God, I want this more than anything."
....and almost as if He was sitting right next to me, I heard this response: "You want this more than me, don't you?" Bam. Slapped in the face by the palm of His words. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Here I sat, as a chaperone/minister's wife who had been preaching the entire trip thus far about the importance of God being your hearts desire. Here I sat, hypocritically desiring something else.
In Ephesians 2, Paul writes about the grace of God: the grace that He has bestowed upon us because of His great love. In the first few verses, he talks about how we are not only made alive with Christ because of this love and grace, but that we are seated with Him in the heavenly realms. Seated with Him? As in, being right next to the only One who is literally able to fill any void, calm any fear, ease any heartache, and hear the desires of our heart? Yeah. That's the guy.
Imagine with me, if you will, Laura Leigh sitting in that seat up in the heavenlies, next to our Christ. There on one side of me, I have the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. There next to me is my Redeemer, Jehovah Jireh, my provider, the Holy One of Israel, my Savior. RIGHT THERE WITH ME. ...But what is Laura Leigh doing? She's so preoccupied with having something ELSE. Instead of clinging to my Everything, I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, grasping for something that isn't there, thinking THAT will be the ultimate satisfaction. Do you see the disconnect here?
I remind myself so much of the person in Derek Webb's song, Wedding Dress. Take a look at these lyrics:
If you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need or is there more I’m looking for
and should I read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want
I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle
and I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle to you
So could you love this bastard child
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood
Because money cannot buy a husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife
I realized it at that moment on the beach, just like I'm realizing it more and more each day that while I know God is in control, I'm still begging Him to give me a child because I think that's what will make me happy. Oh, how wrong I am.
I'm looking for satisfaction elsewhere, when I've been given everything I need and it's sitting right next to me. I am seated with my Everything in the heavens and HE is the only One that can bring me unspeakable joy. I've got a lot to learn. I can't say that I'm not struggling. I am. Every day. But I know that God is a jealous God, and He wants my attention. I know that I don't even want to mother a child until I learn to love God with every single last fiber of my being, because I want to teach my children how to love Him like that. My prayer has to be to develop a desire to know Him more and more each day. I pray that I do.
Whatever it is you're leaning over in that seat for, just stop it. Stop reaching out looking for something or someone else to make you happy. It never will. Not for eternity, at least. One minute, you want one thing/person and the next, you're realizing it didn't do the trick. Stop putting your hand in the pot of gold and start relying on the only One who can give you the desires of your heart. He'll not only give you those desires, He'll change them to fit HIS will for your life. You want true joy? It's sitting right next to you, friend.
Trust me. I've been leaning over far too long.
So, off we went to Grand Isle, Louisiana as we partnered with our "home church" - Southside Baptist. I don't exactly know what I expected to come from this trip. I think I built it up to be this time that would cement leadership abilities. I was just certain that my heart was ready to do some ministry, but honestly? God did a lot more work on my heart that I thought I even needed. I wasn't quite as prepared and "seasoned" as I expected.
I started the week off in a pretty crappy state, emotionally speaking. Lately, and for some unknown reason, I have been super sensitive to this baby/pregnancy/miscarriage thing. I mean cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-whoa-mama-hide-ya-kids-that's-scary type of sensitivity. I realized early on in the trip that Satan was trying to kick me at my lowest. He knows my weak spot. He knew I was eager to see great things accomplished. He knew how to make me the "dead leg". And for a few days, as I hate to admit, it worked. I sat on the beach during our morning devotion asking God all the typical "why" questions, even though I got my answer months ago when I wrote my first blog post about it happening. I knew God was God and that He does as He wills, but I went right back to the "why me?" phase. It didn't help that we had originally talked about telling the kids I was pregnant while we were on the trip. So there we were, with no news to share, and I decided to play the party pooper card. Way to go, LL.
I remember specifically one morning on the beach, as I looked out into the endless horizon, praying fervently for God to give me a baby. (I was at that crazy lady desperation stage, I admit it.) "God, I want this more than anything."
....and almost as if He was sitting right next to me, I heard this response: "You want this more than me, don't you?" Bam. Slapped in the face by the palm of His words. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Here I sat, as a chaperone/minister's wife who had been preaching the entire trip thus far about the importance of God being your hearts desire. Here I sat, hypocritically desiring something else.
In Ephesians 2, Paul writes about the grace of God: the grace that He has bestowed upon us because of His great love. In the first few verses, he talks about how we are not only made alive with Christ because of this love and grace, but that we are seated with Him in the heavenly realms. Seated with Him? As in, being right next to the only One who is literally able to fill any void, calm any fear, ease any heartache, and hear the desires of our heart? Yeah. That's the guy.
Imagine with me, if you will, Laura Leigh sitting in that seat up in the heavenlies, next to our Christ. There on one side of me, I have the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. There next to me is my Redeemer, Jehovah Jireh, my provider, the Holy One of Israel, my Savior. RIGHT THERE WITH ME. ...But what is Laura Leigh doing? She's so preoccupied with having something ELSE. Instead of clinging to my Everything, I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, grasping for something that isn't there, thinking THAT will be the ultimate satisfaction. Do you see the disconnect here?
I remind myself so much of the person in Derek Webb's song, Wedding Dress. Take a look at these lyrics:
If you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need or is there more I’m looking for
and should I read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want
I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle
and I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle to you
So could you love this bastard child
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood
Because money cannot buy a husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife
I realized it at that moment on the beach, just like I'm realizing it more and more each day that while I know God is in control, I'm still begging Him to give me a child because I think that's what will make me happy. Oh, how wrong I am.
I'm looking for satisfaction elsewhere, when I've been given everything I need and it's sitting right next to me. I am seated with my Everything in the heavens and HE is the only One that can bring me unspeakable joy. I've got a lot to learn. I can't say that I'm not struggling. I am. Every day. But I know that God is a jealous God, and He wants my attention. I know that I don't even want to mother a child until I learn to love God with every single last fiber of my being, because I want to teach my children how to love Him like that. My prayer has to be to develop a desire to know Him more and more each day. I pray that I do.
Whatever it is you're leaning over in that seat for, just stop it. Stop reaching out looking for something or someone else to make you happy. It never will. Not for eternity, at least. One minute, you want one thing/person and the next, you're realizing it didn't do the trick. Stop putting your hand in the pot of gold and start relying on the only One who can give you the desires of your heart. He'll not only give you those desires, He'll change them to fit HIS will for your life. You want true joy? It's sitting right next to you, friend.
Trust me. I've been leaning over far too long.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Reflections.
Recently, Brian and I attended the high school graduation ceremony of quite a few of our youth. It was kind of an odd ordeal. See, graduation season always makes me so nostalgic and it usually lasts a while. My thoughts tend to focus on years past. Then, my dreams start to take a turn in that direction, too, and I am revisited by faces I haven't seen in quite some time.
I remember my high school graduation pretty vividly....
It was in our poorly fluorescent lit basketball gym. That place always smelled like rubber and sweat. It was incredibly hot in there, yet the speaker failed to cut us any slack as he droned on and on and on with his forgettable speech. For some reason, I decided to wear seafoam green eyeshadow that evening -- a decision I would regret years later upon looking at photographs of the occasion. We were all seated on stage facing the audience. All 31 of us. The largest graduating class in the history of our small school in the heart of Delta farmland. I remember being fairly shaky because I was sitting pretty close to the guy I crushed on all 4 years of high school, yet never had the guts to do anything about it. That was pretty much the sum of my social career in high school, but I suppose that is another post for another day.
I remember the height of the emotion from all of my classmates that evening, as we swore we'd always keep in touch and be present throughout each other's lives. I wasn't so convinced that would be the case in mine though. I was an outsider from day 1, having not grown up in the small town my school was located in. While I have great memories with girls and guys I went to school with, graduation was the last night I ever saw my classmates simply because I had no roots in that place to keep me coming back. I suppose that's why, to this day, I don't understand the tears from kids at graduation who seem to be sad about leaving their friends. I never saw mine again - save the virtual photos that cross my facebook newsfeed every once in a while.
I, just like every one of my classmates I'm sure, felt like a star that night. I felt like I had taken over the world and that I was headed for success and victories unknown, yet sure to be mind-blowing and off-the-charts. The world was literally sitting on my fingertips.
Fast forward a few years, and I'm at Mississippi College taking part in every activity I could possibly squeeze into my calendar. I played a lot and studied too little. I spent late nights acting a fool with my roommate - times that culminated into me developing the greatest (and at times most frustrating) friendship I've ever known. I invested time in a social tribe that may have brought me lots of fun memories, but proved to me that "sisterhood" doesn't always mean lasting friendships, and that's okay. I spent hours upon hours goofing off in the theatre department, developing friendships with the most talented group of people I've ever known and being mentored by the greatest minds I've ever had the privilege of learning from. In my late college career, I spent afternoons on the porch at Cups, having imaginary conversations with an acquaintance who also grew to be one of my greatest -- albeit, neurotic at times -- and best friends that I cherish.
Marriage. Graduation. (Yes, in that order. Sue me.) Moving. First job. Moving again. Second job. Losing a job. Losing a child.
....Nostalgia.
Life just keeps going at 100 miles a minute. And after all this time, I'm still searching for my place in this world. I'm still trying to figure out where I belong best and who I'm becoming and if I'm ever going to accomplish those life goals I once laid out on the life map in my mind.
Some days bring immense joy as I lay in bed at night and reflect on how blessed I am. Others bring heartache and sorrow as I ache for those I've lost and opportunities I yearned for and never got the chance to see come to life. Some days, I worry for the heart of my friend who is hurting after losing her future - what she thought was to be a sure thing.
....Some nights, I just sit and silence - in awe of the place I'm at and the God who has brought me through it all - in one piece, and stronger than ever before.
There have been moments in my life where I've thought "this is it. This is when it all turns around and I'm catapulted into something fantastic." And then.... letdowns, heartaches, confusion, and journeys back to square one.
If I could tell any graduating senior anything, it would be this: Life is never going to go as you expect it. You'll fall down more times than you care to count. Your heart will be bent in ways you never thought possible. But with each fall comes the opportunity to get back up. And though you might bend, you'll never break. And one day, you'll be looking back on all these times as a 20-something who is still confused as to what direction your life is headed. And everything - every smile, every good memory, every heartache, and every tear - will be a beautiful picture of the person you're becoming. Regret nothing.
...And if you have the courage to do so, make sure each note in the symphony of your life resoundingly moves and steers others towards the God of this universe. While you may not know what lies ahead in your life, He does.
After all, He wrote it.
I remember my high school graduation pretty vividly....
It was in our poorly fluorescent lit basketball gym. That place always smelled like rubber and sweat. It was incredibly hot in there, yet the speaker failed to cut us any slack as he droned on and on and on with his forgettable speech. For some reason, I decided to wear seafoam green eyeshadow that evening -- a decision I would regret years later upon looking at photographs of the occasion. We were all seated on stage facing the audience. All 31 of us. The largest graduating class in the history of our small school in the heart of Delta farmland. I remember being fairly shaky because I was sitting pretty close to the guy I crushed on all 4 years of high school, yet never had the guts to do anything about it. That was pretty much the sum of my social career in high school, but I suppose that is another post for another day.
I remember the height of the emotion from all of my classmates that evening, as we swore we'd always keep in touch and be present throughout each other's lives. I wasn't so convinced that would be the case in mine though. I was an outsider from day 1, having not grown up in the small town my school was located in. While I have great memories with girls and guys I went to school with, graduation was the last night I ever saw my classmates simply because I had no roots in that place to keep me coming back. I suppose that's why, to this day, I don't understand the tears from kids at graduation who seem to be sad about leaving their friends. I never saw mine again - save the virtual photos that cross my facebook newsfeed every once in a while.
I, just like every one of my classmates I'm sure, felt like a star that night. I felt like I had taken over the world and that I was headed for success and victories unknown, yet sure to be mind-blowing and off-the-charts. The world was literally sitting on my fingertips.
Fast forward a few years, and I'm at Mississippi College taking part in every activity I could possibly squeeze into my calendar. I played a lot and studied too little. I spent late nights acting a fool with my roommate - times that culminated into me developing the greatest (and at times most frustrating) friendship I've ever known. I invested time in a social tribe that may have brought me lots of fun memories, but proved to me that "sisterhood" doesn't always mean lasting friendships, and that's okay. I spent hours upon hours goofing off in the theatre department, developing friendships with the most talented group of people I've ever known and being mentored by the greatest minds I've ever had the privilege of learning from. In my late college career, I spent afternoons on the porch at Cups, having imaginary conversations with an acquaintance who also grew to be one of my greatest -- albeit, neurotic at times -- and best friends that I cherish.
Marriage. Graduation. (Yes, in that order. Sue me.) Moving. First job. Moving again. Second job. Losing a job. Losing a child.
....Nostalgia.
Life just keeps going at 100 miles a minute. And after all this time, I'm still searching for my place in this world. I'm still trying to figure out where I belong best and who I'm becoming and if I'm ever going to accomplish those life goals I once laid out on the life map in my mind.
Some days bring immense joy as I lay in bed at night and reflect on how blessed I am. Others bring heartache and sorrow as I ache for those I've lost and opportunities I yearned for and never got the chance to see come to life. Some days, I worry for the heart of my friend who is hurting after losing her future - what she thought was to be a sure thing.
....Some nights, I just sit and silence - in awe of the place I'm at and the God who has brought me through it all - in one piece, and stronger than ever before.
There have been moments in my life where I've thought "this is it. This is when it all turns around and I'm catapulted into something fantastic." And then.... letdowns, heartaches, confusion, and journeys back to square one.
If I could tell any graduating senior anything, it would be this: Life is never going to go as you expect it. You'll fall down more times than you care to count. Your heart will be bent in ways you never thought possible. But with each fall comes the opportunity to get back up. And though you might bend, you'll never break. And one day, you'll be looking back on all these times as a 20-something who is still confused as to what direction your life is headed. And everything - every smile, every good memory, every heartache, and every tear - will be a beautiful picture of the person you're becoming. Regret nothing.
...And if you have the courage to do so, make sure each note in the symphony of your life resoundingly moves and steers others towards the God of this universe. While you may not know what lies ahead in your life, He does.
After all, He wrote it.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
beauty from pain.
Tonight, I am simply in awe of the way God moves and works and loves and comforts. Tonight, my friends, I am simply in awe of God.
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing."
This week - I can't even describe it. My gosh, the emotions I've experienced.... It was nothing for me to go from somber to silly or depressed to delighted in a matter of minutes. Just as I stated in my last post, I never once doubted God's sovereignty. But I had a hard time categorizing this thing that was happening...is happening to me. Needless to say, I had to thumb through a lot of thoughts and figure out where I was going to go from all of this.
Luckily for me, I've had some incredible people so far who've helped me get over the initial shock and pain of all of this. My parents have been a source of absolute strength for me, having gone through this a few times before they ever held my older brother in their arms. I'll never forget the way they both ran to my side the day we found out. They carried me home and loved me in a way I don't think I've ever experienced from them. It was precious. Even the way my brother stepped up to the plate to comfort me has been an incredible experience.
And Brian.... Wow. I'm not even entirely sure I can type this paragraph without losing the composure I do have left. The times we have shared through this are ones that I KNOW will be the foundation of strength, courage, and hope we will need in the future. There's something so absolutely beautiful in sharing tears of sorrow with your soul mate or just simply being still together. I've never doubted it a day since we married, but I am even more certain now that I was blessed beyond measure when God gave me Brian.
But through all of this, one thing constantly comes to mind - the intense love I've felt radiating from my heart for my Father. In my head, I keep asking myself why I'm not angry - why am I not ready to just let God have it for allowing this to happen? And I suppose I wouldn't be completely insane for doing so. That would just make me human. But, I can't. I absolutely cannot be mad at God for all of this.
What if God's purpose in all of this was to remind me how badly I need Him and how much He loves me? What if life's pains and heartaches are really times when God is softly beckoning us to His arms?
There's no better place than that, I can tell you for sure.
Life goes on. But I can tell you one thing, I am not the same. I am not the same not solely for the fact that I've experienced grief in such a personal and deep way. No, my friend. I am not the same because I have experienced the Healer in a way I have never known. I will never, in my life, be able to look back on this time and not remember the way He has so clearly spoken to me.
God has called me not simply to trust in Him during times of trouble, but to chase after Him with reckless abandon because He is good, He is gracious, and He is GOD. I cannot be silent any longer about my Savior. I cannot hold back for fear of offending someone. I pray that God reminds me of this heartache I've endured and am enduring every single day for the rest of my life just so that I may remember this insanely REAL comfort and care He's provided me. In all of this, it's only proven to me that He truly is alive and living.
I'm in awe of God tonight - a God that would use heartache to bring healing. A God that DESIRES me so much that He would allow me to endure such things to seek Him and FIND Him waiting, singing over me. What a beautiful love. What a beautiful Savior. What a glorious God.
"The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing."
-Zephaniah 3:17
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Bring the rain.
The past few weeks have been the greatest, most joyful, and most heartbreaking days of my life thus far.
You see, Brian and I have been sitting on the biggest secret. A few weeks ago, out of the blue and to our extreme surprise, we found out we were expecting a baby. I think I went through every emotion possible. I cried, I laughed, I worried, I giggled....I praised God. What an immense blessing this little baby was sure to be - something we both had prayed for, for quite some time. We shared only with our family for the time being, being quite cautious as we knew the first trimester was a tricky time during pregnancy and that anything could happen.
I wish that I could say we were spared from the scares of early pregnancy. From day 1, our journey was laden with trips to the ER and multiple doctor visits during the week to monitor some concerns we were having. From day 1, I began the bargaining process with God. My morning routes to work turned into begging sessions -- "God, please, don't take this from me. Not this. Anything but this."
I don't think it was coincidence that I finally finished Crazy Love by Francis Chan but a few days before I found out I was pregnant. I read something in that book that resonated so deeply within me that it became a pivotal turning point in how I would later view what God was doing in all of this. Forgive me for not having the exact quote, but in a portion of this book, Chan talks about prayer and how Christians are so quick to pray for safety and protection. He argues instead that we should pray for God to allow in our lives whatever will bring Him the most glory - no matter how tough that is .
So, after I realized how incredibly selfish and insane bargaining with God was, I remembered Chan's words and my prayers began to change. I began to pray that God would use this whole thing for His glory - no matter what it cost me.
I wish I could tell you that God saw fit for me to carry my baby to full term. But for whatever reason, He didn't.
I wish I could tell you that I completely understand and I am totally okay with this, but naturally, I don't and I'm not.
What I can tell you though, is that God is good. All the time. NO MATTER WHAT.
It has only been a mere 24 hours since I found out for certain that I was miscarrying. I think though, that in my mind I knew for the past few days. Some might see this post as a little too much information, a bit uncomfortable, and some might be confused as to why I would choose to share all this when I never even got the opportunity to share the news of our pregnancy. The reason I choose to tell you this now is because I prayed for God to get the glory in all of this and I want to see to it that He does. How can you know how wonderful God has been to me if I don't share what He's doing in my life? Also, I just had an overwhelming desire for SOMEONE to know that our little one lived - if only for a short time.
You see, God gave me the most precious gift. Even though I won't have the opportunity to hold this baby in my arms and see it grow up and do all the things sweet children do, I am so thankful for the short time I had to taste - even if only just a little bit - what it's like to love a child. Science tells me that what I had was simply defective tissue that never met its full potential. What I'm telling you is that I had life inside of me - a life that I gave to God before I had the chance to see it fully lived. I was a mother for a microsecond, it seems, and I am okay with that.
I am okay with that because never in all of my life have I ever felt God so near and so present. Sure, I've cried. I've cried hard and screamed and asked why. But even when I felt like pointing my finger towards the heavens, I just felt the Lord reassuring me with His word. The Lord truly is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). I've read that verse a thousand times before but never really understood it until now.
So there it is. I'm not sharing this to evoke pity or sadness from any of you. I felt so burdened to share what God is doing in my life because I want the world to know that I am so thankful and blessed and humbled and awed to serve a God who has plans for a hope and future for me. Oh, how painful this has been. How incredibly painful it is to lose a child - even if it was early on, that's what it was. My baby. But how wonderful it is to know that the Savior is holding me and using this to further His kingdom somehow. That's why I'm sharing this. Because God is good. And He can take YOUR heartache and your tears and turn them into unspeakable joy. He loves you. He desires for you to know Him and to know that He is all-sufficient, all-powerful, all-loving, and incredibly good. I pray somehow that my story is a reminder of this or a testimony to someone.
So God, do whatever it is you have to do to make your name known. If it takes a thousand more heartaches and a million more tears, I am willing to endure that if it brings you glory.
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
- Mercy Me, Bring the rain
You see, Brian and I have been sitting on the biggest secret. A few weeks ago, out of the blue and to our extreme surprise, we found out we were expecting a baby. I think I went through every emotion possible. I cried, I laughed, I worried, I giggled....I praised God. What an immense blessing this little baby was sure to be - something we both had prayed for, for quite some time. We shared only with our family for the time being, being quite cautious as we knew the first trimester was a tricky time during pregnancy and that anything could happen.
I wish that I could say we were spared from the scares of early pregnancy. From day 1, our journey was laden with trips to the ER and multiple doctor visits during the week to monitor some concerns we were having. From day 1, I began the bargaining process with God. My morning routes to work turned into begging sessions -- "God, please, don't take this from me. Not this. Anything but this."
I don't think it was coincidence that I finally finished Crazy Love by Francis Chan but a few days before I found out I was pregnant. I read something in that book that resonated so deeply within me that it became a pivotal turning point in how I would later view what God was doing in all of this. Forgive me for not having the exact quote, but in a portion of this book, Chan talks about prayer and how Christians are so quick to pray for safety and protection. He argues instead that we should pray for God to allow in our lives whatever will bring Him the most glory - no matter how tough that is .
So, after I realized how incredibly selfish and insane bargaining with God was, I remembered Chan's words and my prayers began to change. I began to pray that God would use this whole thing for His glory - no matter what it cost me.
I wish I could tell you that God saw fit for me to carry my baby to full term. But for whatever reason, He didn't.
I wish I could tell you that I completely understand and I am totally okay with this, but naturally, I don't and I'm not.
What I can tell you though, is that God is good. All the time. NO MATTER WHAT.
It has only been a mere 24 hours since I found out for certain that I was miscarrying. I think though, that in my mind I knew for the past few days. Some might see this post as a little too much information, a bit uncomfortable, and some might be confused as to why I would choose to share all this when I never even got the opportunity to share the news of our pregnancy. The reason I choose to tell you this now is because I prayed for God to get the glory in all of this and I want to see to it that He does. How can you know how wonderful God has been to me if I don't share what He's doing in my life? Also, I just had an overwhelming desire for SOMEONE to know that our little one lived - if only for a short time.
You see, God gave me the most precious gift. Even though I won't have the opportunity to hold this baby in my arms and see it grow up and do all the things sweet children do, I am so thankful for the short time I had to taste - even if only just a little bit - what it's like to love a child. Science tells me that what I had was simply defective tissue that never met its full potential. What I'm telling you is that I had life inside of me - a life that I gave to God before I had the chance to see it fully lived. I was a mother for a microsecond, it seems, and I am okay with that.
I am okay with that because never in all of my life have I ever felt God so near and so present. Sure, I've cried. I've cried hard and screamed and asked why. But even when I felt like pointing my finger towards the heavens, I just felt the Lord reassuring me with His word. The Lord truly is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). I've read that verse a thousand times before but never really understood it until now.
So there it is. I'm not sharing this to evoke pity or sadness from any of you. I felt so burdened to share what God is doing in my life because I want the world to know that I am so thankful and blessed and humbled and awed to serve a God who has plans for a hope and future for me. Oh, how painful this has been. How incredibly painful it is to lose a child - even if it was early on, that's what it was. My baby. But how wonderful it is to know that the Savior is holding me and using this to further His kingdom somehow. That's why I'm sharing this. Because God is good. And He can take YOUR heartache and your tears and turn them into unspeakable joy. He loves you. He desires for you to know Him and to know that He is all-sufficient, all-powerful, all-loving, and incredibly good. I pray somehow that my story is a reminder of this or a testimony to someone.
So God, do whatever it is you have to do to make your name known. If it takes a thousand more heartaches and a million more tears, I am willing to endure that if it brings you glory.
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
- Mercy Me, Bring the rain
Monday, March 19, 2012
Meatloaf Memories.
Tonight, I set out to make something I rarely ever do: meatloaf. Yuck.
I say yuck not because I don't like meatloaf, but because I don't like making meatloaf. I hate having to touch raw meat with my hands (second only to touching mayonnaise -- disgusting). I started the whole process and as I got to molding the disgusting pile of hopefully soon-to-be-not-so-disgusting dinner, I remembered a key ingredient that I didn't have -- brown sugar.
Southern ladies know you can't very well make a meatloaf without brown sugar. You have to have that sweetness come in somehow and nothing does it like brown sugar. Well, once I realized I didn't have any in the pantry, I dang near wanted to kick the stove and make turkey sandwiches instead. I am not one to half-butt a meal. If I don't think it's going to turn out just so, I'll change my entire game plan. My reputation in the kitchen that I have with my husband is pretty important to me and there is nothing I hate more than when a meal bites.
Just as I was beginning the draft of what could take the place of the surely to fail meatloaf, I remembered an old trick my mama used to do when she would make meatloaf. She had her fallback method, one that I will not share because you might not ever eat my meatloaf if you knew, and I am fairly sure my husband will read this at some point and I have a strict "Don't ask, don't tell" policy with him when it comes to how I cook. Picky little thing, he is.
Anyway, this old trick came screeching into the forefront of my mind at lightning speed and VOILA, just like that - an old memory saved the day.
It got me thinking about how much I have learned from my mom, even when I didn't realize I was learning from her. It got me thinking about my mama altogether.
I am my mother made over and I realize this more and more every single day. I'll say something or do something so quirky that I instantly recognize a bit of herself in me. Used to, I'd roll my eyes and laugh it off, but more and more I find myself truly pleased that I am becoming my mother.
My mother is fantastic. She is funny, bright, contagiously energetic, and a very quirky. I've never known anyone who didn't like her -- and I've known a lot of cranky people. When I was in high school, all my friends and others in my youth group would gladly and willingly come hang out at our house just to see what antics she'd put us up to (ask me about the time she almost got me arrested for driving without a license while she shot fireworks out the window). She's always been the type of person that people truly enjoy being around and I've always loved that about her.
And.... I don't know, I guess something as simple as meatloaf can remind you sometimes of how lucky your life can be when you have people as exceptionally wonderful as my mom around.
I can only hope that perhaps 30 years down the road when my daughter is making dinner, some trick or tip she caught from me brings me to the forefront of her mind and she'll know how very much I love and adore her. Just as much as my Mama loves me.
____________________________________________________________
....And Dad, you'll have your due post some day soon. ;)
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