I think it's good to be real.

I'll be honest. I have had one crappy day. It started with a terrible morning, moved to an awful afternoon, and now is a sorry night.

I don't intend to write a long post and complain about one thing to the next. I just have to be honest with those of you reading. I have had a bad day. The kind where you think you're done crying and then the next thing you know...

Let me go ahead and say that I don't doubt God's faithfulness one bit. He has brought me through more trials than I ever thought was possible. I'm just at one of those moments where I think, "Okay, God. I trust that You have a plan in all of this, but I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to be DOING about it." I don't know whether I'm supposed to be sitting patiently or actively moving to supplement whatever He's got going on.

On top of that, to put it mildly: "My cup runneth over." -- I literally have so many things on my plate right now that I'm at the point that I really need a break. I'm hoping to get to my parents' house for a few days to rest and forget about things going on here.

I'm anxious and nervous and I know that's not going to solve my problems. But, I am human. So it's a tough battle.

I wish the phone would ring with good news -- like someone offering their lakehouse/condo for a few days. Ha!

And in all of this, I am reminded of my grandmother's favorite catch phrase: "This, too, shall pass."

His eye is on the sparrow...

You know, there are just things going on in my life right now that I'm not against sharing. I simply just don't want to hash it all out and risk throwing a pity party too many.

I will just say that I've never been more calm in a season of chaos and confusion. According to the world, I have every reason to pull my hair out and throw up my white flag. According to the enemy, I should quit.

But everyday, God reminds me of His faithfulness. Through a kind word from a friend, through a text from a best friend, through the confidence of my outstanding husband who seems to be growing more and more in tune with Christ each day....God reminds me of who He is.

And it's funny the way He works. A few years ago, I developed this weird thing with birds. I started collecting artsy bird trinkets, jewelry, pictures, etc. I didn't know why. When Brian and I were dating, I had him make a decal for my car - a sparrow. At that time, I had discovered Matthew 10: 29-31 which says:

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows"

That kinda became my life verse. It sprung up out of this weird obsession with birds. This past Christmas, my mother-in-law bought me a sparrow necklace that I wear EVERY SINGLE DAY. Over the past few months, as Brian and I have journeyed through this season of fogginess (I won't say darkness because God has been with us every step of the way) - whenever I've started to fret and worry about where our life is headed, I grab that necklace and am calmly reminded of those verses. If God cares for such a small creature, how much more will He take care of me?

I really don't believe God will reward doubt and worry. So whenever I feel the Enemy attempting to strike up a chord of anxiety within my soul, I remind myself that my God is faithful. He has brought me this far. He has blessed us exponentially - way more than we ever expected. I know He's not finished with me yet.

I simply have to trust God. If He says go, I'll go. No matter what. Yes, I am prepared for the "no matter whats". I may bite my tongue on that statement one day, but I'll always remember that God is faithful. His plans are to prosper me, not to harm me.

A HOPE and a FUTURE.

surrender.

I'm fairly certain I was born with the need to entertain and perform. I've done it my whole life through various channels. I just love the opportunity to entertain others. For years, I made it my goal to become a professional entertainer. When my senior year rolled around and I had the opportunity to do so, I jumped at it.

My senior year of high school, I auditioned for this widely known, yet somewhat unheard of group out in California that was comprised of young adults who sang and traveled the world to share their passion for music and performance with high school kids. They hosted workshops and put on incredible shows. It was like a miniature off-off-broadway group. Yes. I auditioned to join these party people because I just knew it was the stepping stone to inevitable stardom.

At my tiny private school, holed up in the smallest choir room I've ever known full of these incredible artists and my peers, I stood up and belted...to the best of my ability... Etta James' At Last. That song has always been my secret weapon and I knew if I could hit it once and hit it right, I'd have my spot in L.A. secured.

Weeks passed and I finally got the "did you or didn't you" letter from said group. I made it. I had everything in front of me that I needed to get to sunny California and commit some time to this small, yet vibrant group of entertainers. It wasn't Broadway by any means, but it was a step! I was determined that one day as I gave my acceptance speech while holding my Oscar for Best Actress in a Leading Role, I'd give thanks to that organization for giving a small town girl a chance.

And that's where things get fuzzy. I can't tell you what happened that caused me to end up at Mississippi College. If what memory I have serves me correctly, part of it was due to a concerned and nervous mother who wasn't too keen on sending her baby girl out to California on her own.

Honestly though, I know what happened. God intervened in a big way. I know some of you roll your eyes at the thought of that statement, but it's true. Me not getting to California was the Lord's way of humbling me. I was chasing fame and intangible, temporary happiness.

This is not all to say that I threw away my dreams. Not by any means. God just changed the desires of my heart. I still have a passion for performance. Am I the greatest actress/entertainer there is? Heavens no. But I know I've been given a talent. And the Lord provides humbling, interesting, and comical opportunities for me to use those gifts quite often.

For years, the lyrics to the song "Surrender" by Barlow Girl were right on spot to how I felt about the plans I had for my own life.

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen.
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am.
Now you’re asking me to show
What I’m holding Oh so tightly.
Can’t open my hands, can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can’t you let me go?

Surrender, surrender
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see
My dreams own me, My dreams own me.

Say you have a plan for me,
And that you want the best for my life.
Told me the world has yet to see
What you can do with one
That’s committed to your call.
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever.
But if I give them now to you
Will you take them
Away forever?
Or can I dream again?

I stubbornly held on to my dreams and desires for many years. Looking back, I can see all the opportunities that slipped through my fingers because I was too busy focusing on a dream that was never meant to be. I was too busy being selfish. I don't know what happened or what the tipping point was, but somewhere, somehow...I finally relinquished control and allowed God to show me what He had in store.

When I gave up my dreams of stardom and night after night on stage, I opened the door to become to person God desired me to be. Had I gone on to pursue other things, I never would have experienced all those fantastic moments that I wish I could bottle up that I believe have made me who I am today.

I never would have spent those magnificent summers with the greatest people I know, growing in Christ together and somehow managing 1000 kids in a few weeks of camp. I wouldn't have discovered Aven Little Theatre and the professors who invested so much of their time in me. I wouldn't have met my best friends, Lindsay and Laura. I wouldn't have had crazy improv nights with the FUNNIEST group of friends in the world who all deserve the spotlight themselves. I wouldn't have grown the way I did. I wouldn't have met Brian. I wouldn't be married to the most wonderfully patient man who pursues me even when I'm not the nicest girl. I wouldn't be where I am. And where I am, I'm completely and totally full of His joy and totally content with being just another friendly face around this little ol' town if that's what He wants.

I just love how when we allow God to have control - when we give Him all the space He needs to do what He knows is best anyway - He shows out. And what He provides and reveals is always infinitely more awe-inspiring and mind blowing than our own plans could ever have been.

God is incredibly wonderful. He is outstandingly giving when I allow Him to be. I'm so thankful for selfish dreams that didn't come to fruition. I'm so happy that I surrendered the desires of my heart and have experienced this truly wonderful, magnificent life that would have been absent had I not.

Please PRAY

...For my friend Bernard. He spent 2 years as a missionary to India right after college. The Lord gave him some incredible opportunities while he was there. One included getting involved in the theatre community there. Long story short, he returned home last fall and was contacted about returning to put on a play that essentially presents the gospel message in front of thousands!

This is big for two reasons. Most importantly - the message of the gospel will be presented to thousands. It will even be aired on television. This has the potential to advance the Kingdom in big ways! Second - Bernard wrote/produced and will act in this play. He is super talented. He has brought together people from all over the world to join the cast as well.(I WOULD have been in it if it weren't for grad school!! ugh!) It's a huge undertaking. He has gained the attention of some of Bollywood's (India's Hollywood) finest!

Through all this, the Lord is moving and calling people into His kingdom. He is also blessing my friend Bernard immensely and opening doors for him to return soon and open an acting school that will also serve as his own ministry.

I'm so thankful for friends with such large hearts for Christ. I'm so thankful to know such talented, selfless, incredible people! Please join with me in praying for Bernard, the cast and crew of "Worked to Death" and the people who will see this play! Pray for hearts to be opened and lives to be changed! "Worked to Death" premieres the first week in July in Ahmedabad!