beauty from pain.

Tonight, I am simply in awe of the way God moves and works and loves and comforts. Tonight, my friends, I am simply in awe of God.

This week - I can't even describe it. My gosh, the emotions I've experienced.... It was nothing for me to go from somber to silly or depressed to delighted in a matter of minutes. Just as I stated in my last post, I never once doubted God's sovereignty. But I had a hard time categorizing this thing that was happening...is happening to me. Needless to say, I had to thumb through a lot of thoughts and figure out where I was going to go from all of this.

Luckily for me, I've had some incredible people so far who've helped me get over the initial shock and pain of all of this. My parents have been a source of absolute strength for me, having gone through this a few times before they ever held my older brother in their arms. I'll never forget the way they both ran to my side the day we found out. They carried me home and loved me in a way I don't think I've ever experienced from them. It was precious. Even the way my brother stepped up to the plate to comfort me has been an incredible experience.

And Brian.... Wow. I'm not even entirely sure I can type this paragraph without losing the composure I do have left. The times we have shared through this are ones that I KNOW will be the foundation of strength, courage, and hope we will need in the future. There's something so absolutely beautiful in sharing tears of sorrow with your soul mate or just simply being still together. I've never doubted it a day since we married, but I am even more certain now that I was blessed beyond measure when God gave me Brian.

But through all of this, one thing constantly comes to mind - the intense love I've felt radiating from my heart for my Father. In my head, I keep asking myself why I'm not angry - why am I not ready to just let God have it for allowing this to happen? And I suppose I wouldn't be completely insane for doing so. That would just make me human. But, I can't. I absolutely cannot be mad at God for all of this.

What if God's purpose in all of this was to remind me how badly I need Him and how much He loves me? What if life's pains and heartaches are really times when God is softly beckoning us to His arms?

There's no better place than that, I can tell you for sure.

Life goes on. But I can tell you one thing, I am not the same. I am not the same not solely for the fact that I've experienced grief in such a personal and deep way. No, my friend. I am not the same because I have experienced the Healer in a way I have never known. I will never, in my life, be able to look back on this time and not remember the way He has so clearly spoken to me.

God has called me not simply to trust in Him during times of trouble, but to chase after Him with reckless abandon because He is good, He is gracious, and He is GOD. I cannot be silent any longer about my Savior. I cannot hold back for fear of offending someone. I pray that God reminds me of this heartache I've endured and am enduring every single day for the rest of my life just so that I may remember this insanely REAL comfort and care He's provided me. In all of this, it's only proven to me that He truly is alive and living.

I'm in awe of God tonight - a God that would use heartache to bring healing. A God that DESIRES me so much that He would allow me to endure such things to seek Him and FIND Him waiting, singing over me. What a beautiful love. What a beautiful Savior. What a glorious God.

"The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing."

-Zephaniah 3:17

Bring the rain.

The past few weeks have been the greatest, most joyful, and most heartbreaking days of my life thus far.

You see, Brian and I have been sitting on the biggest secret. A few weeks ago, out of the blue and to our extreme surprise, we found out we were expecting a baby. I think I went through every emotion possible. I cried, I laughed, I worried, I giggled....I praised God. What an immense blessing this little baby was sure to be - something we both had prayed for, for quite some time. We shared only with our family for the time being, being quite cautious as we knew the first trimester was a tricky time during pregnancy and that anything could happen.

I wish that I could say we were spared from the scares of early pregnancy. From day 1, our journey was laden with trips to the ER and multiple doctor visits during the week to monitor some concerns we were having. From day 1, I began the bargaining process with God. My morning routes to work turned into begging sessions -- "God, please, don't take this from me. Not this. Anything but this."

I don't think it was coincidence that I finally finished Crazy Love by Francis Chan but a few days before I found out I was pregnant. I read something in that book that resonated so deeply within me that it became a pivotal turning point in how I would later view what God was doing in all of this. Forgive me for not having the exact quote, but in a portion of this book, Chan talks about prayer and how Christians are so quick to pray for safety and protection. He argues instead that we should pray for God to allow in our lives whatever will bring Him the most glory - no matter how tough that is .

So, after I realized how incredibly selfish and insane bargaining with God was, I remembered Chan's words and my prayers began to change. I began to pray that God would use this whole thing for His glory - no matter what it cost me.

I wish I could tell you that God saw fit for me to carry my baby to full term. But for whatever reason, He didn't.

I wish I could tell you that I completely understand and I am totally okay with this, but naturally, I don't and I'm not.

What I can tell you though, is that God is good. All the time. NO MATTER WHAT.

It has only been a mere 24 hours since I found out for certain that I was miscarrying. I think though, that in my mind I knew for the past few days. Some might see this post as a little too much information, a bit uncomfortable, and some might be confused as to why I would choose to share all this when I never even got the opportunity to share the news of our pregnancy. The reason I choose to tell you this now is because I prayed for God to get the glory in all of this and I want to see to it that He does. How can you know how wonderful God has been to me if I don't share what He's doing in my life? Also, I just had an overwhelming desire for SOMEONE to know that our little one lived - if only for a short time.

You see, God gave me the most precious gift. Even though I won't have the opportunity to hold this baby in my arms and see it grow up and do all the things sweet children do, I am so thankful for the short time I had to taste - even if only just a little bit - what it's like to love a child. Science tells me that what I had was simply defective tissue that never met its full potential. What I'm telling you is that I had life inside of me - a life that I gave to God before I had the chance to see it fully lived. I was a mother for a microsecond, it seems, and I am okay with that.

I am okay with that because never in all of my life have I ever felt God so near and so present. Sure, I've cried. I've cried hard and screamed and asked why. But even when I felt like pointing my finger towards the heavens, I just felt the Lord reassuring me with His word. The Lord truly is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). I've read that verse a thousand times before but never really understood it until now.

So there it is. I'm not sharing this to evoke pity or sadness from any of you. I felt so burdened to share what God is doing in my life because I want the world to know that I am so thankful and blessed and humbled and awed to serve a God who has plans for a hope and future for me. Oh, how painful this has been. How incredibly painful it is to lose a child - even if it was early on, that's what it was. My baby. But how wonderful it is to know that the Savior is holding me and using this to further His kingdom somehow. That's why I'm sharing this. Because God is good. And He can take YOUR heartache and your tears and turn them into unspeakable joy. He loves you. He desires for you to know Him and to know that He is all-sufficient, all-powerful, all-loving, and incredibly good. I pray somehow that my story is a reminder of this or a testimony to someone.

So God, do whatever it is you have to do to make your name known. If it takes a thousand more heartaches and a million more tears, I am willing to endure that if it brings you glory.




I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

- Mercy Me, Bring the rain