2011. In review.

At the end of every year, I try to write/blog about the events and happenings that took place in my life. I always look forward to reflecting on the good, bad, and everything in between. Each year is an opportunity to see how I've grown and changed throughout the year's journey. This time is no different, for this past year was quite a ride.

Overall, I think the resounding theme for this year was faith. That, or trust. Maybe both.

This was the year that I quit the first job I had after undergrad to embark on my journey into education. It was a fantastic decision, but one that came with a lot of heartache as well. My first days in the classroom were completely chaotic, stressful, annoying, overwhelming ... and so much fun. I met so many fantastic students that never failed to make my day -- even when they were being a tad bit mischievous. As a person, they made me feel young and exciting and appreciated. As an educator, I learned that I had a very long way to go if I ever planned to be any good at this teaching thing. It's not as easy as the books make it seem. There are a lot of things I did wrong and probably a lot of times that I bluffed my way through a lesson and I'm sure students knew it. It wasn't easy coming into a (what should have been called interim) position in the middle of the year with no curriculum beforehand (or after for that matter). As a first year teacher, I was told to scrounge the internet for material to teach. Seriously -- that's your tax dollars hard at work, y'all. But I digress. -- SO I know I wasn't the greatest teacher in that school. I am well aware of it. But boy did I have a lot of fun fumbling my way through that learning process.

Unfortunately, my time at BHS was short-lived. Although my principal at the time refused to grow a pair and be honest about the funds for arts, I suspected that I would not be back the next semester to teach Theatre as she had led me to believe in my interview. I learned that I was just a replacement until the end of the school year. I was extremely bitter when this realization hit me. I had moved my entire life to some small, lame town to invest in a school that couldn't hire me back. This was a major blow - emotionally and financially.

There were so many days that Brian and I would nearly pass out from the stress that hung over our heads as we tried to decide what our next move was. I spent most days in tears, clueless as to what I would possibly do for a job. But even on my worst days, I had an assurance in the back of my mind. It was almost as if I could picture God quietly shaking His head in disappointment at my lack of faith. I knew He had something up His sleeve, even though I fought Him most of the time. As always, I wanted things my way on my time. Over the course of the summer though, He brought a passage and song to my life that have (since then) shaped my entire outlook on His faithfulness:

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Matthew 10:29-31

Also, it was during this time that every where I turned, Take Heart by Hillsong United was playing. And I've always thought that when things like this are happening, there's a reason and I should be paying attention. In this case, the lyrics were absolutely the message I needed to be hearing at this time:

There is a light

It burns brighter than the sun

He steals the night

and casts no shadow

There is hope

Should oceans rise and mountains fall

He never fails

So take heart

let His love lead us through the night

Hold on to hope

And take courage again

These two small, simple messages may have seemed silly to some. But I knew that God had overcome any trial I had to face already and that trusting Him wasn't the best option, it was my ONLY option. There came a moment this summer, when I had the opportunity to speak to a small crowd about facing adversity that I finally let go of my worries. I finally decided to invest in the power of Christ.

Thank God that He doesn't work according to my will and desires. Instead, He showed Himself to us in a very real and personal way as He met every single need - and provided me with a fantastic job (teaching!) that I fall more in love with every day. God is big and mighty. Those are such simple adjectives for such an indescribable God, but it's very true nonetheless.

I know 2012 is going to be a year full of many emotions. I look forward to the exciting, sweet, memorable moments to share with friends and family. I'm bracing myself for the turmoil and heartache that I know are inevitable. I'm preparing to trust Him in every moment, no matter the circumstance, remembering all that He has done and all that He promises He will do.

God our refuge, God our strength, God is with us.... He has overcome.

I don't know where You're taking me, but I'm ready for the ride.

A realization:

The past few months have been a little difficult, considering stresses with school and things among our church. I've had a lot of meltdowns. I've also had a lot of good days. But mostly, I've been left with confusion and a cloudy view of what's next in life.

Basically, I believe that I've finally come to that place in life when I'm trying to figure out who I am and what I'm meant to be doing. I have a lot of identities in my marriage and family ties, but I've yet to figure out where exactly I fit as an individual. What am I supposed to be doing with myself? Because some days, I look around and truly feel as though the majority of the things I'm involved in are solely to fill time/pay bills.

Today is just a weird day. I'm trying to figure out who I am. I thought I knew, but I'm learning that there's a little more to me than I was aware of, emotionally.

I sure hope Brian survives this mess ;) I know I probably have driven him crazier than he ever deserved over the last few months.

Perhaps there's an answer or contentment ahead. Maybe it's just today. Maybe it's just me.

whine, whine, whine.

I need to do just that for a second.

I really am not handling my new schedule very well. I have never been the most organized person in the world. The past few weeks, my schedule has changed a good bit and now the organization is even worse and I feel like I'm steady tumbling down the hill of chaos.

I work full-time.
I go to school two nights a week, 4 1/2 hours each class.
I somehow ended up leading worship at church. Seriously. A paid position.
Then there's homework.
Oh yeah, I'm still married.
I have a load of laundry that is growing at a Mt. Everest rate.
I decided I could take on a role for a Christmas program while directing it as well.


You see, in the back of my mind, I know that EVERYONE is busy times infinity. That's just life for most of us these days. The problem is that I simply do not know how to mentally compartmentalize what is most important on my to-do list so other things suffer. Like most of my apartment right now.

I also cannot handle staying up past 10:30 (which is why I better wrap this up pretty quickly) because I have some sort of unusual and freakish mental quirks in which I will nearly have a breakdown if I don't get at least 7 hours of sleep. 7 hours of sleep allows me to solely function. That's it.

I have this irritating anxiety about being in class by myself. And by "by myself" I mean without any familiar faces. I had a friend in class with me, but she dropped it (smart gal).

I feel like I'm going to lose my 4.0 because of all of this STUFF that I just don't know how to mentally and physically organize. And honestly, that totally would not be the end of the world because all I should really care about is just FINISHING the dang program with my masters, right? But at this point, I am kind of ready to quit, even though I know that doing so would just mean I'd be working less-than-desirable (for me) jobs for the duration of my career, whatever that may be.

Do you see what I'm doing? Letting petty things stress me to the point of stupidity? I see it, too. The problem is, I just can't stop myself from doing it.

Sigh.

The good news is that Christmas break is steadily approaching. Even if I fail miserably, a break is indeed on the way.

Ah. Optimism?

I guess I just need to remember that we are ALL stressed to the max on most days. I just have to remember I am not alone in battling things of life. That's just the way it has to be sometimes.

Wanted:

Home organizer.

Must be willing to dish a little of your own $ for getting task done.

Decorating experience and willingness to spend own $ again a plus.

Payment: cookies. Maybe pudding. And being my friend.

All interested parties, leave comment.


...but seriously.

Releasing thoughts.

I've never been a creature of habit. That's why this blog just simply isn't updated as much as I ideally want it to be. I'll look at the blogger tab on the toolbar and consider writing a post but then decide against it.

I guess I'm trying to figure out why I do this. Why do I blog? There are times when I have things I want to say, but then I'll toss the potential entry aside for one of two reasons:

A) No one really reads them, which makes it semi-useless. I'm not having a pity party here. It's just the truth. I don't see how anything I have to say could be important because no one reads it. I don't really even advertise that I have a blog. I'm not sure why. I don't even think my mother has found this blog...and if you know me, you know how monumental that is. I think I'm afraid of what people's reactions will be to my personal beliefs. I especially get uncomfortable when I imagine how people will react to me lamenting over the fact that I'm having issues getting pregnant and how that turns into a fear of never being a mother.

Then there's B): I fear that those who read it will judge me. Mostly on the baby thing, because I'll be honest, that's a serious issue for me right now. I want to blog about it. I want to be able to have some therapeutic outlook on the situation. But I fear that people will make statements about my age or lot in life or what have you. I fear that if I write a post about God that someone will take it as me being "overly-Godly", which I have been accused of lately. But that's another post for another day. ("For I am not ashamed of the gospel...) :)

Honestly, this was supposed to be a post about not posting. (What a mouthful.) But I need to vent. I need to use this for what I think it's intended purpose was. I'm discovering that at this moment. It's for me. It's to put my thoughts out there, because I know sometimes people get tired of my whining. This is a safe place to do that, if I must. If anyone reads it, they chose to use their time to do so. I didn't force them.

Do you know how difficult it is to be truly happy when another friend announces her pregnancy? Can I just say how hard it is to teach precious little 3 year olds when I have this aching desire to be a mother to my own? It's even harder when you have those one or two who are more attached to you than the rest of the kiddos and just want to sit in your lap and talk to you, face-to-face, really close or just lay their head on your shoulder? I love those moments, but it always reminds me that it's just superficial. I am not their mother. They don't love me like they do their mother, and I don't love them like their mother does. It makes me wonder if I'll ever have the opportunity to love like that.

Honestly, I get that at my age I have plenty of time. I do. I have a life to live. I have things to accomplish (hopefully not another degree -- I'm already broke from the master's I'm working on).

I suppose my job just makes the getting over it and chilling out process a little harder. And the worries and concerns I have over the health issues that are proving to be a deterrent in ever having one eat at my brain.

I would love to just chill out and say "if it happens/when it happens, it will". But I can't. I know Brian is about ready to just shoot me. I know he wants to have children too, but as you can imagine, he's much more relaxed about it. I know I have to stop talking to him about it. I guess?

I know this is unusual for a woman my age to even really consider. But I think I made it clear in an earlier post that I don't nor have I ever done anything according to status quo. Ever. I've always been ahead of the game. And I know that a mother is something I want to be -- even after years of swearing against it. (I guess the right man can change that for you!) :)

I'm just venting. And this feels good. It really does. No pressure to write a post about something insanely deep and profound. Just a way for me to share my frustrations, upsets, and maybe even sometimes the good news. :)

To those few friends who do sometimes mull over my posts -- thanks for reading this. I'm not crazy. Just coping with desires and timing -- and ultimately, being grateful for each moment and not overlooking today in anticipation of things that haven't even come to fruition yet.

Today's lesson learned: Don't anticipate the life of tomorrow; participate in life today.

total abandonment.

O rise, great God, at last

Ere reason's from us cast

And revolution's blast

Blacken our name.

- Oswald Chambers

I've come to a point in my life where I realize that I am absolutely nothing.

On my own, I can do no good thing. I can do nothing worth any praise. I am useless, pointless, vain, ugly, deceitful, and so much worse -- on my own.

The beautiful realization has suddenly come upon me over the past month or so, despite years of it being preached from pulpits in Sunday services I've attended, that Christ in me is powerful. Christ is worthy of every ounce of energy and every bit of praise from man I could ever obtain. I've truly understood that I am to live in total abandonment to Christ, to make His name great.

I once had a hard time understanding a woman I went to church with. She was, what I called at the time, a "holy roller". For everything, she had a "Jesus-y" response. Honestly, it drove me nuts. When I mentioned movies or books that were even just barely borderline "bad", she would point out that they were things that a Christian really should boast about reading/watching/seeing/etc. It drove me nuts. It made me mad. The way she raised her kids confused me. She wouldn't let them watch certain things or go to certain places. There were times that I thought she was a little too crazy for Jesus.

The Lord can be comical.

That woman began pouring into me. She loved on me. I knew if I needed prayer - she was going to approach the throne boldly on my behalf. My heart began softening to her. I looked forward to seeing her. She had such joy. Over time, I began to see that the reason her "holy roller" ways bothered me so much was because I was simply not living the life of holiness that a Christian is called to live - whether we can accept that or not. My fleshly desires contradicted the biblical morals and lessons she was teaching me. She eventually became the woman that I called and still call my spiritual mentor. Although she is now miles away from me, I know that when I need prayer I can call on her. When I need Godly wisdom, she delivers. I hope to be the kind of woman, wife, and mother she is someday.

You see, people who know her KNOW that she is a Christian. Even those who have only a vague idea of who Jesus is can associate her with Him. THAT'S what it means to make His name great -- to live in such a way, that when you encounter others, they automatically leave with a sense of knowing Him even just a little bit more. I WANT THAT.

I've been learning a lot about holiness the past few weeks. It's been a really difficult lesson, because there are things in my life that I know have fallen so short of the standard of holiness I'm called to have in my life. I told Brian a few weeks ago that I truly feel that the Lord wants to use me for something GREAT in my lifetime. Maybe not great according to the world's standards, but great according to His. Even typing that, I am absolutely assured that He does. I know it. I can feel it. But I've also come to realize that I will never be able to be used for greatness for God until I passionately pursue holy living.  And I will forever be grateful to this woman for teaching me such a valuable lesson and for living in such a way that has pointed me towards and led me closer to Jesus.

I have got to rid myself of the things in my life that aren't complementary to His Word and His commands. The church today preaches that we are "free from the law." Essentially, we've used that as our excuse to dabble in things that we really have no place being around or tolerating. "Be IN the world, not of the world." -- Let us not forget, brothers and sisters, to not be OF the world. To live in that manner is going to get you a lot of dirty looks, a lot of rolled eyes, and - more than likely - a lot less friends than you came into that lifestyle with. People will say all sorts of things about you. You're going to be an outcast. But so be it. Remember:

If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. - John 15:18-20

At the end of this lifetime, we will all stand before the throne of God and give an account for our lives. As a child of God, I don't want to say that I lived a mediocre, safe, cowardly life as a Sunday pew-sitting "Christian". I want to fall at His feet with no ounce of energy left and be able to say "I gave EVERYTHING I had for You, Lord."

I want to leave this earth knowing that I made His name great. - And that HE received all the glory.

Raw and real.

Life according to the world:

College. Career. Marriage. Travel. Buy house. Expand career. Make money. Travel more. Buy another impressive toy. And just before your ovaries go kaput, have a kid. But not until then.

I don't really care what the world has to say. I haven't really followed it's idea thus far. Married at 21. Living simply -- and happily at that. Working just to pay bills and instead of glamorous trips and big, shiny toys, I've been enjoying things like family, sunshine, cups of coffee and laughter. And now, I can honestly say that I am eager for the kids part to come along.

Oh, I know. I know I have so much life left to live (that's what we all hope, right?). I know that I could go and do and achieve and see before I "should" have to worry about a child. I know that. But that's not what I want. It honestly isn't.

I wrote a blog post a few months about how my desires completely changed over the past few years regarding goals for my life. Honestly, I remember offending a friend a few years ago when I made the statement that I wanted more for my life than to be toting around a kid or two in a mini-van, sitting at soccer games and dance recitals. I couldn't understand why, at that point, she was looking forward to something that shouldn't be taking place in her life until well into her mid 30s or 40s (in my opinion). And now, here I sit...mind changed and desires shifted.

But perhaps I really have this desire because at the moment...that just isn't possible. Long story short, a few weeks ago at a regular check-up, I learned some things about my health that may very well be a deterrent in us having children. I didn't think too much about it at the time, but within the past few weeks, it has been gnawing away at my brain. Right now, since I've changed jobs, I have no insurance. I'm trying to rectify this situation at the moment, if possible, but it's not exactly easy financially or strategically (work doesn't offer it...and well, private plans are soooo expensive!!). Anyway, no insurance means no further looking into the situation which will keep kids from being in the picture for the time being.

Now, I know the Lord works in mysterious ways. And there is a possibility that the insurance issue may be resolved in the near future.

But until then, I find myself eyeing mothers in our church with their babies on Sunday morning. I constantly look at pictures of friend's babies. Worst of all, I find it hard to be truly happy for friends when they announce they're expecting. There's a tinge of jealousy. I guess I'll be really honest at this point and say that I had to excuse myself to the ladies room to stop tears yesterday at church when someone asked me why in the world I didn't have kids yet.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this except to say: there's a deep desire within me to be a mother. Not necessarily to a house full of kids. But I know I long for that day. I don't care what the world says I should do first or how long we should be married or how much money I should or shouldn't be making.

The calling on my life is to be a wife to Brian -- the best wife I possibly can be because he deserves it. And after that, I KNOW that I want to and was made to be a mom. If I never see another stage or leading role, if I never make an excessively impressive salary, if I never see but only the parts of the world I've already seen because of the sacrifice it takes to be one, SO WHAT.

This world has NOTHING for me.

Two. [2]

It's 9:55 AM. Two years ago on this date and at this time, I was in the car with my bridesmaids on the way to the church to get my hair done, slip (squeeze) into the dress I had waited months to wear, and wait anxiously marry the boy that when I met a year and a half earlier, never expected to fall in love with.

I have so many precious memories from that day: surrounded by friends, crying when I hugged my Mom and Dad, my best friend Lindsay holding my dress while I was on the toilet (true friend), and skipping down the aisle after we said "I do."

But none of those memories can compare to the two years since. Every day has been an adventure. There have been moments of sheer bliss, times I thought we'd pull each other's hair out, insane fits of laughter, and sometimes comfortable moments of silence in which neither one of us has to say anything.

No matter the moment, I've never forgotten how blessed I am to be married to THIS guy.

So yep. I'm a pretty happy girl. And I've got some celebrating to do - in true Brian and Laura Leigh fashion. Don't be surprised if I tell you that Taco Bell was involved. We don't act fancy for fancy's sake. We act like us - and that's why every day continues to be genuine and adventurous.

Happy August 8, everyone.

Seriously?

I woke up sick this morning. And while I don't think it's anything that's going to last long, it feels very flu-ish. I'm achy, feverish, have had a constant head-ache, and no appetite. It's the pits.

On top of all of that, we are moving next Thursday to Cordova (where we were living) since we are now, once again, working and going to school there. While I was at the high school here, it made more sense to live here. But with Brian in school in Cordova and me working and also going to school there, it's only smart to move back. I'm kind of excited. I love the apartments there. They're new and clean and big. But, anyway, we have a LOT of packing to do before then. I can barely stand for 15 minutes without collapsing. Needless to say, that doesn't help with productivity.

I don't have much to say tonight. Just general whining and such. I promise to blog more later. In the meantime, check out my first vlog. I realize that I seem very awkward and weird in it, but that's kind of what I'm going for - for entertainment purposes. Plus, I've had close to 100 views in less than a week! There'll be more to come on that in the future. If you haven't seen it, check it out below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQNFCd2zWwY

In the meantime, I'm off to whine some more. Laters.

cuteness.

Just sharing a photo of my niece, because I think she's the greatest. No bias here. Just fact.

Questions for God: Number 2

Why armpit hair?

I Am

My friend Mandy, whom I have never actually met in person, blogs each week about a "Life Well Lived" (read about it all and much more here). Her latest posts have inspired me to share my own similar stories. (By the way, Mandy and I began talking via twitter about the Grilled Cheesus episode of Glee and I've followed her Tweets, Facebook, and blog ever since. I'm not a stalker. She's just quite talented and has a lot to offer - especially for you performers out there!)

I digress...

A few years ago, I took a trip with about 30 other college students to Athens, Greece for a week of ministry. For me, that adventure turned into a short journey of self-discovery.

I remember it being our first day of ministry. Before we began, we went to Mars Hill, right at the Acropolis and all the beautiful ruins of ancient Greece. I can't even begin to accurately describe to you how beautiful this place was.

Our group had a seat on the hillside overlooking the entire city of Athens and one of the missionaries stationed there began reading from Acts 17:

²² Paul then stood up in the meeting of the Areopagus and said: “People of Athens! I see that in every way you are very religious. ²³ For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: TO AN UNKNOWN GOD. So you are ignorant of the very thing you worship—and this is what I am going to proclaim to you.

²⁴ “The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. ²⁵ And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. ²⁶From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. ²⁷ God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ²⁸ ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’^[b]

I've never been one to seriously doubt the existence of God. But at the time, I was very guilty of "believing" what I believed simply because I had been told my whole life that it was true. I had never taken the time to challenge what had been presented to me and see if it was all I had been told it was.

There wasn't anything magical about this moment on Mars Hill. There wasn't any soft music playing. The sun was beating down on us and tourists from all over the world were passing by. I wasn't alone in a dimly lit room with ambiance and smoky haze. But I had the greatest revelation that I've yet to have in my lifetime at that moment.

"I Am."

I heard those words as clearly as you hear those around you speaking everyday.

"I Am."

At that very moment, I KNEW that there was a God. I knew that there was a Creator. I knew that He fashioned me and called me out among the world to be His and to serve Him. I knew it wasn't a fairy tale. I knew it wasn't a crutch. I knew God IS. I knew that, at that moment, He was calling me to be His messenger and (just like He told Moses) to tell them that "I Am" had sent me.

I realized the stunning, breath-taking beauty of that moment. I was in a place that, thousands of years ago, one of the greatest servants in Biblical history stood to tell a polytheistic people about the ONE, TRUE God. The God in whom we find life. I was standing in that very place - a place written about in scripture.

Later that week, we visited the ruins of Corinth and followed the path Paul took as He brought the same message to the Corinthians. With every step, my faith strengthened ten-fold. Suddenly, the Bible wasn't just a storybook. It was truly the Word of life to me. These things happened. Everything - from start to finish - happened.

How are we assured of things in history? Most will tell you it is because we have written accounts of them - penned by people who witnessed it.

"For we did not follow cleverly devised tales when we made known to you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but we we eyewitnesses of His majesty." 2 Peter 1:16

It's not a myth. It's not fiction. It's the story of redemption of God's people.

It's the story of what God did for me and the rest of the world.

That moment on Mars Hill changed my life forever. I will never forget the moment I was aware of His majesty, His character, and His existence.

...And if He is willing, I will return next year to share that very experience with my husband. And in years to come, I will do that very same thing with our children.

Creator, Maker

Life-Sustainer

Comforter

Healer

My Redeemer

Lord and King

The Beginning and the End

I Am

Yes, I AM.

Mars Hill:

Questions for God. Number 1:

Why do certain people that are unable and unwilling to care for babies in the manner they deserve to be cared for get pregnant when there are others who wish for children and have difficulty ever having them?

Just a thought. No doubt in His goodness here. Just thinking.

Lessons from stalking.

That's exactly what I had moments ago.

I admit that I am somewhat of a facebook stalker. Ok. Ok, I'm almost a genius facebook stalker. Long story short, I was on Brian's facebook when I happened upon one of his college friend's page. I have never met her personally. All I know are the few stories I've heard from Brian and Justin (Brian's best friend). I have friends who know her and say nothing but wonderful things about her.

I've thought of this stranger often in the past few weeks. Back in February, she and her husband lost their son at birth. I remember the day a friend of mine who knew her called me to tell me to pass the news along to Brian and to pray fervently for her. And I did. But my heart ached so badly at the thought of what she must be going through. I could hardly fathom it.

I never had the chance to say anything to her. I figured that time wasn't really the best time to introduce myself, even if it was for the sake of letting her know she was in my prayers. I prayed anonymously instead. I've thought about her a lot and today happened, as I stated, upon her facebook page (while being the ultimate Facebook creep, I know).

What I saw posted on her page versus what I expected to see were totally different. After all this poor girl had gone through, she was nothing but encouraging, faithful, and completely loyal to God. I put myself in her shoes for a moment. Would I have reacted the same?... She was totally dependent upon the promise of Jeremiah 29:11. She was the virtual epitome of grace and trust in a faithful, loving God. It was absolutely inspiring.

As if my stalker tendencies weren't creepy enough, I also found her blog. A post stuck out. I don't know her and I certainly hope she wouldn't hate me for posting this, but I was so humbled by her love and character in this post.

I pray that I could have the outlook on life that this incredible young woman does. I pray that in my darkest days and nights, I would be reminded of His promises. After all she and her husband had been through, she saw the wonderful blessings of it all. I pray that Brian and I would learn to lean on each other in the manner that this outstanding couple has done. I have no other words to describe it than truly inspiring.

I am so grateful for encounters like these - strangers who are used for a greater purpose than they could ever possibly imagine. I am thankful for people who go through trials and learn each day to trust and continue in faithfulness to Jehovah Rapha - God, our Healer - and become an encouragement to countless others -- whether they know it or not. And while I wish ever so much that pain did not have to be a part of her life or the lives of those who endure situations like this daily, I pray that their stories will continue to touch the lives of many, many more who need it.

Thanks for lessons through Your faithful servants, Lord. To God be the glory.

I think it's good to be real.

I'll be honest. I have had one crappy day. It started with a terrible morning, moved to an awful afternoon, and now is a sorry night.

I don't intend to write a long post and complain about one thing to the next. I just have to be honest with those of you reading. I have had a bad day. The kind where you think you're done crying and then the next thing you know...

Let me go ahead and say that I don't doubt God's faithfulness one bit. He has brought me through more trials than I ever thought was possible. I'm just at one of those moments where I think, "Okay, God. I trust that You have a plan in all of this, but I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to be DOING about it." I don't know whether I'm supposed to be sitting patiently or actively moving to supplement whatever He's got going on.

On top of that, to put it mildly: "My cup runneth over." -- I literally have so many things on my plate right now that I'm at the point that I really need a break. I'm hoping to get to my parents' house for a few days to rest and forget about things going on here.

I'm anxious and nervous and I know that's not going to solve my problems. But, I am human. So it's a tough battle.

I wish the phone would ring with good news -- like someone offering their lakehouse/condo for a few days. Ha!

And in all of this, I am reminded of my grandmother's favorite catch phrase: "This, too, shall pass."

His eye is on the sparrow...

You know, there are just things going on in my life right now that I'm not against sharing. I simply just don't want to hash it all out and risk throwing a pity party too many.

I will just say that I've never been more calm in a season of chaos and confusion. According to the world, I have every reason to pull my hair out and throw up my white flag. According to the enemy, I should quit.

But everyday, God reminds me of His faithfulness. Through a kind word from a friend, through a text from a best friend, through the confidence of my outstanding husband who seems to be growing more and more in tune with Christ each day....God reminds me of who He is.

And it's funny the way He works. A few years ago, I developed this weird thing with birds. I started collecting artsy bird trinkets, jewelry, pictures, etc. I didn't know why. When Brian and I were dating, I had him make a decal for my car - a sparrow. At that time, I had discovered Matthew 10: 29-31 which says:

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows"

That kinda became my life verse. It sprung up out of this weird obsession with birds. This past Christmas, my mother-in-law bought me a sparrow necklace that I wear EVERY SINGLE DAY. Over the past few months, as Brian and I have journeyed through this season of fogginess (I won't say darkness because God has been with us every step of the way) - whenever I've started to fret and worry about where our life is headed, I grab that necklace and am calmly reminded of those verses. If God cares for such a small creature, how much more will He take care of me?

I really don't believe God will reward doubt and worry. So whenever I feel the Enemy attempting to strike up a chord of anxiety within my soul, I remind myself that my God is faithful. He has brought me this far. He has blessed us exponentially - way more than we ever expected. I know He's not finished with me yet.

I simply have to trust God. If He says go, I'll go. No matter what. Yes, I am prepared for the "no matter whats". I may bite my tongue on that statement one day, but I'll always remember that God is faithful. His plans are to prosper me, not to harm me.

A HOPE and a FUTURE.

surrender.

I'm fairly certain I was born with the need to entertain and perform. I've done it my whole life through various channels. I just love the opportunity to entertain others. For years, I made it my goal to become a professional entertainer. When my senior year rolled around and I had the opportunity to do so, I jumped at it.

My senior year of high school, I auditioned for this widely known, yet somewhat unheard of group out in California that was comprised of young adults who sang and traveled the world to share their passion for music and performance with high school kids. They hosted workshops and put on incredible shows. It was like a miniature off-off-broadway group. Yes. I auditioned to join these party people because I just knew it was the stepping stone to inevitable stardom.

At my tiny private school, holed up in the smallest choir room I've ever known full of these incredible artists and my peers, I stood up and belted...to the best of my ability... Etta James' At Last. That song has always been my secret weapon and I knew if I could hit it once and hit it right, I'd have my spot in L.A. secured.

Weeks passed and I finally got the "did you or didn't you" letter from said group. I made it. I had everything in front of me that I needed to get to sunny California and commit some time to this small, yet vibrant group of entertainers. It wasn't Broadway by any means, but it was a step! I was determined that one day as I gave my acceptance speech while holding my Oscar for Best Actress in a Leading Role, I'd give thanks to that organization for giving a small town girl a chance.

And that's where things get fuzzy. I can't tell you what happened that caused me to end up at Mississippi College. If what memory I have serves me correctly, part of it was due to a concerned and nervous mother who wasn't too keen on sending her baby girl out to California on her own.

Honestly though, I know what happened. God intervened in a big way. I know some of you roll your eyes at the thought of that statement, but it's true. Me not getting to California was the Lord's way of humbling me. I was chasing fame and intangible, temporary happiness.

This is not all to say that I threw away my dreams. Not by any means. God just changed the desires of my heart. I still have a passion for performance. Am I the greatest actress/entertainer there is? Heavens no. But I know I've been given a talent. And the Lord provides humbling, interesting, and comical opportunities for me to use those gifts quite often.

For years, the lyrics to the song "Surrender" by Barlow Girl were right on spot to how I felt about the plans I had for my own life.

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen.
So many years I’ve shaped each one
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am.
Now you’re asking me to show
What I’m holding Oh so tightly.
Can’t open my hands, can’t let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can’t you let me go?

Surrender, surrender
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see
My dreams own me, My dreams own me.

Say you have a plan for me,
And that you want the best for my life.
Told me the world has yet to see
What you can do with one
That’s committed to your call.
I know of course what I should do
That I can’t hold these dreams forever.
But if I give them now to you
Will you take them
Away forever?
Or can I dream again?

I stubbornly held on to my dreams and desires for many years. Looking back, I can see all the opportunities that slipped through my fingers because I was too busy focusing on a dream that was never meant to be. I was too busy being selfish. I don't know what happened or what the tipping point was, but somewhere, somehow...I finally relinquished control and allowed God to show me what He had in store.

When I gave up my dreams of stardom and night after night on stage, I opened the door to become to person God desired me to be. Had I gone on to pursue other things, I never would have experienced all those fantastic moments that I wish I could bottle up that I believe have made me who I am today.

I never would have spent those magnificent summers with the greatest people I know, growing in Christ together and somehow managing 1000 kids in a few weeks of camp. I wouldn't have discovered Aven Little Theatre and the professors who invested so much of their time in me. I wouldn't have met my best friends, Lindsay and Laura. I wouldn't have had crazy improv nights with the FUNNIEST group of friends in the world who all deserve the spotlight themselves. I wouldn't have grown the way I did. I wouldn't have met Brian. I wouldn't be married to the most wonderfully patient man who pursues me even when I'm not the nicest girl. I wouldn't be where I am. And where I am, I'm completely and totally full of His joy and totally content with being just another friendly face around this little ol' town if that's what He wants.

I just love how when we allow God to have control - when we give Him all the space He needs to do what He knows is best anyway - He shows out. And what He provides and reveals is always infinitely more awe-inspiring and mind blowing than our own plans could ever have been.

God is incredibly wonderful. He is outstandingly giving when I allow Him to be. I'm so thankful for selfish dreams that didn't come to fruition. I'm so happy that I surrendered the desires of my heart and have experienced this truly wonderful, magnificent life that would have been absent had I not.

Please PRAY

...For my friend Bernard. He spent 2 years as a missionary to India right after college. The Lord gave him some incredible opportunities while he was there. One included getting involved in the theatre community there. Long story short, he returned home last fall and was contacted about returning to put on a play that essentially presents the gospel message in front of thousands!

This is big for two reasons. Most importantly - the message of the gospel will be presented to thousands. It will even be aired on television. This has the potential to advance the Kingdom in big ways! Second - Bernard wrote/produced and will act in this play. He is super talented. He has brought together people from all over the world to join the cast as well.(I WOULD have been in it if it weren't for grad school!! ugh!) It's a huge undertaking. He has gained the attention of some of Bollywood's (India's Hollywood) finest!

Through all this, the Lord is moving and calling people into His kingdom. He is also blessing my friend Bernard immensely and opening doors for him to return soon and open an acting school that will also serve as his own ministry.

I'm so thankful for friends with such large hearts for Christ. I'm so thankful to know such talented, selfless, incredible people! Please join with me in praying for Bernard, the cast and crew of "Worked to Death" and the people who will see this play! Pray for hearts to be opened and lives to be changed! "Worked to Death" premieres the first week in July in Ahmedabad!

shadow

There was a time when I would sit down with a notebook and a pen and just let my thoughts flow, uninhibited.

Sometimes, I'd come across these thoughts I had that I didn't even know were laying beneath the surface. It gave me opportunities to reflect, to grow, and to mature myself.

These, of course, were the days before social media and the iPhone.

I was riding home in the passenger seat last night as Brian was driving. I wanted so badly to strike up a conversation about something deep and intellectually stimulating - something about literature, or life. If it got existential, fine. Whatever. I just craved that mentally stimulating conversation I once had the capability of beginning. And then, without even thinking about what I was doing - I checked my phone.

Those who know me know how much I love my iPhone. It's my little pocket pal. I check my email, update Twitter, browse my friends' postings on Pinterest, and of course -- the almighty Facebook. I can't go an hour without checking it twice. And honestly, I was never that way with Facebook until I got that dang iPhone.

I've just come to the realization over the last few weeks that I've allowed technology to completely and totally devastate part of the mental being I once was. I can't think on anything unless it's a status update or 140 character quip. Sure, those things are entertaining. But I've allowed them to be so much that now I rarely ever take time to do the things I once LOVED to do often: re-reading old novels, writing, journaling, playing the piano, popping in a CD and imagining the score in front of me.

I used to be much deeper. When I was younger, I was deeper. Now, I've aged and allowed myself to dumb down thanks to a piece of plastic and glass that I can stalk acquaintances wall posts on. How utterly sad.

The worst part is that I've allowed this to hinder the growth of my relationship with my own husband. I've wondered for days if he remembers or even KNEW the person I feel I once was. I was smart! I was a careful thinker! I was interesting!

Sometimes I feel him getting bored with me. And that's not his fault. It's my own. I've sacrificed a part of who I was to be a part of the age of technology. This is what it's doing to me. This is what technology is doing to us all. And while, yes, I do believe it has its place, I know that it's doing this to many more as well.

This is the most reflective piece I've written in ages. It's a call to arms, I suppose. Beginning now, I will not allow mindless things to override my time. I won't let Facebook get in the way of revealing to those I love what lies beneath my skin. I refuse to watch myself retreat into the shadow of the person I once was and loved so much. I can't promise I'll give any of these up permanently. But I will promise myself that I will take a closer look at how I spend my time and what I allow to dictate the person I'm continuing to become.

I promise to show you the me that I know you've been craving.

*taps microphone*

Is this thing on....?

....Stay tuned. Blog revamping coming soon.

and THIS time....I shall write.

Catching up.

What a whirlwind few weeks it has been! There is absolutely no way to describe the manner in which God has worked in our lives. It's absolutely astounding. I suppose I could start at the beginning. (Let me go ahead and apologize for the lack of creativity in this storytelling. I am quite hungry and not feeling very "writey") :)

A few months ago, I submitted an application to the Tipton County Board of Education for any possible openings they may have. I really hesitated to do so. I was fearful that I'd get one of those "Thanks, but no thanks" letters.

I always knew I wanted to teach. But I didn't want to go the education route in high school mainly because I (I, I, I) wanted to teach college and knew I wouldn't need the traditional education degree, just a masters in the area I wanted to teach. Very soon after Brian and I got married, I felt the Lord putting a desire on my heart for teenagers. Of course, being in youth ministry, I get the opportunity to spend time with teens often. However, I knew the Lord was trying to tell me that MY contribution in Brian's ministry would be in the very schools our youth were in. As I debated that application, I knew not having the education background could work against me. But I knew I felt the Lord calling me to follow through with it.

So, let us fast forward a bit. On Wednesday January 5, Brian and I were leaving church and headed home. We were talking about how much we loved our church, our youth, and life as a whole. We really were just counting our blessings and had such an air of gratefulness. The whole drive home, I just felt like something big was on the edge of our existence. It was as if I could anticipate the Lord was preparing us for something great.

Two days later, I was sitting in my office at work. It was a slow morning and I decided to spend some time listening to my Hillsong United station on Pandora (two thumbs up!). I was enjoying such a cool time of worship right there at work when I felt the Lord telling me "something good is going to be knocking at your door."

As always, He was right. At 2:00, I got a call from the principal at Brighton High School - in the same town as our church, and the same school that 95% of our youth attend. She informed me that there was an immediate opening for an English teacher. Funny story: my Junior year in college, my advisor called and informed me that if I didn't pick a major that day, I wouldn't graduate on time. I gave a little vocal pause and just said, "Ah, just put down English." ....God works in mysterious ways.

Long story short, I interviewed a week later and was hired on the spot. I quit my job and this past Monday morning, I was in the classroom. Today, just three days into my new job, I'm having my first snow day!

Even more good news - last Wednesday, we went to church early just to hang out. I was off that week and Brian's afternoon classes were canceled. Our pastor came over to the youth building to tell us someone had found a house for rent that we might want to look at. We hopped in the car and went to check it out. It was perfect! Just what we wanted! And the landlord was offering it to us with NO deposit and the ability to move in whenever we wished. Our pastor then informed us that our church would be paying to have all our utilities cut on, as well as cleaning the house before we got moved in. Then, we went to check out appliances for the home at a local store in town. The owner offered us a washer, a dryer, and a refrigerator -- all BRAND NEW -- for such a great price. Best of all, he is letting us pay on it month by month with no interest and at a price that WE set.

So there you go. In one week, I got the job I desired, and the Lord provided a sweet home and all the "fixings." Needless to say, we've been blown away by His goodness.

The Lord has just really shown us that if we wait on Him, He will provide in ways we never imagined possible. Of course, these are things we always knew, but He has made it SO very real for us these past few weeks. More than anything, I have most certainly learned that He deserves all the praise. Every single bit of it - in the good times AND the bad. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Prayers

Something big is happening this Thursday. I can't yet post what, but I'm asking for any eyes that are reading this to PLEASE pray for me. The Lord is opening doors and doing great things - as He always has. Just pray that I'll be ready and prepared for whatever He has for me. And pray that no matter the outcome, I'll see it as His plan for me.