Monday, July 9, 2012
A gift?
For those of you who took the time to read my latest posts that are SUPER wordy: a gift (?) for you --- thanks to photobooth
Stuck
...That's how I've felt lately. Stuck.
You know, I've got friends all over the world (literally) who are busy achieving great things and reaching goals and dreaming wild things each day. My social media feeds are clogged with those dearest to me who have finally got that job they wanted or moved into that house they've been eyeing and having that baby and becoming that person they've wanted to be for a lifetime.
And here I am. Stuck.
Don't get me wrong. I know behind the facade of Facebook, each of these people have their own struggles. I know life isn't as perfect as the news feed would have me to believe. But, the enemy is pretty good at remembering comparison is my biggest weakness.
After my stint in marketing - my first job in which I learned that I hated marketing and the corporate world - I shifted my career path into education. For a while, it seemed to be going well. And then, as it always happens, a storm came. Changes had to be made. And as always, the storm sucked at first. But then, things cleared up and settled down. Life got a bit easier and the direction got a little clearer. I wasn't in a high school classroom anymore, and that was okay by me. I was surrounded by amazing women everyday who encouraged me and really took the time to invest in a young girl - something that every teacher on my hall at ?HS had never done or cared to do. So, I spent a year teaching preschool. It was way more challenging than I could have imagined, but I made it.
I suppose though, that's where the comparison initially began. My heart was in Theatre and I (me, me, me) wanted to be teaching theatre and sharing what truly is a passion for me. Plus, a few snarky comments from friends about how I didn't have a "real job" kinda stung and motivated me to find another place - a place where people would appreciate me and find value in me.
So, I got back on the high school train. I applied and applied and applied and applied. Aaaaaaaand, here I am. To date, not one phone call or email from any interested party. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm looking for a teaching position in the most tense school district in the nation at this point in time. I can't go into those details, or I'd be here all night. But if you're interested, just google "Shelby County TN School Merger" and then have your mind blown at the nonsense. Yeah, hiring isn't really on everyone's minds at this point. Lucky me.
Anyway, I knew my fallback would be the preschool should no one hire me. I was honest with my boss and let her know what was up. She's a pretty great woman and promised to hold a spot for me, knowing that would be a risk for her as a school could hire me at any point.
Long story short, it's pretty apparent I'll be back at the preschool again. Only this time, I'll be with a younger age. In comes the ol' comparison monster again. I have friends getting hired to teach and do what they love. My best friend is moving to AFRICA and teaching/being a missionary. How could what I do (or will be doing) be of any importance compared to THAT? How will others find any value in what I do? How can I? Here I am, almost done with my masters and this is it? That's all?
I've been offered jobs everywhere else - everywhere else that I'm not. I could pack up tomorrow and have a job teaching exactly what I want to teach exactly where I want to teach it. Brian and I both could leave and just pick up anywhere. Unfortunately, there is this thing called grad school nailing both our feet to the ground. And a youth group that, although at times drives us to our wits end, needs its leader. I just want people to know that I AM valuable and wanted in other places. We both are. But, we're stuck, for lack of better terms.
I am such a selfishly minded person. I get that.
The bottom line? God's doing a BIG work in my life. He's teaching me a lot about patience (see previous posts, HA), timing (again, previous posts) and most importantly -- He's teaching me about humility.
To begin with, who is to say that what I do isn't important? Did you know that a large base of our parents who have enrolled their children at our preschool are unchurched? That some don't even believe in a God at all? I bet if you think about it, those of you who went to church a time or two can remember a song or story that your teacher taught you as a small child. Memories have a way of sticking around, don't they?
You know, the problem is I feel like I have to convince people around me that what I do is in important. But really, I have to convince myself.
To those of you in my life who are reading this, know that I count my blessings. I do know how blessed I am to be in a church that meets our needs. I know I'm lucky to have a group of teenagers who teach me more each day than I could ever teach them. I'm so blessed to live in this great apartment furnished with all our "stuff" that we don't really need. I totally understand I'm blessed where I am. I just have to admit I'm human and I struggle with feeling like I'm missing out on something. Don't we all?
No matter where I (you) am in life, God's got a purpose for it. It may not be everything I wish it would be. But who's to say He isn't trying to teach me something for the road ahead? Who's to say I'm not making an unseen impact - that maybe the fruits will never be evident to my eyes, but still come to be because of my willingness to just BE wherever He says to be. Perhaps I need to learn to shut up and think less about how my life appears to others and pay more attention to making the most of whatever time I have left on this earth and making a difference.
Thanks for letting me spew a bit. I love how therapeutic writing can be. This post began as a means for me to prove myself to others and ended up proving a lot more to me. Sneaky irony.
You know, I've got friends all over the world (literally) who are busy achieving great things and reaching goals and dreaming wild things each day. My social media feeds are clogged with those dearest to me who have finally got that job they wanted or moved into that house they've been eyeing and having that baby and becoming that person they've wanted to be for a lifetime.
And here I am. Stuck.
Don't get me wrong. I know behind the facade of Facebook, each of these people have their own struggles. I know life isn't as perfect as the news feed would have me to believe. But, the enemy is pretty good at remembering comparison is my biggest weakness.
After my stint in marketing - my first job in which I learned that I hated marketing and the corporate world - I shifted my career path into education. For a while, it seemed to be going well. And then, as it always happens, a storm came. Changes had to be made. And as always, the storm sucked at first. But then, things cleared up and settled down. Life got a bit easier and the direction got a little clearer. I wasn't in a high school classroom anymore, and that was okay by me. I was surrounded by amazing women everyday who encouraged me and really took the time to invest in a young girl - something that every teacher on my hall at ?HS had never done or cared to do. So, I spent a year teaching preschool. It was way more challenging than I could have imagined, but I made it.
I suppose though, that's where the comparison initially began. My heart was in Theatre and I (me, me, me) wanted to be teaching theatre and sharing what truly is a passion for me. Plus, a few snarky comments from friends about how I didn't have a "real job" kinda stung and motivated me to find another place - a place where people would appreciate me and find value in me.
So, I got back on the high school train. I applied and applied and applied and applied. Aaaaaaaand, here I am. To date, not one phone call or email from any interested party. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm looking for a teaching position in the most tense school district in the nation at this point in time. I can't go into those details, or I'd be here all night. But if you're interested, just google "Shelby County TN School Merger" and then have your mind blown at the nonsense. Yeah, hiring isn't really on everyone's minds at this point. Lucky me.
Anyway, I knew my fallback would be the preschool should no one hire me. I was honest with my boss and let her know what was up. She's a pretty great woman and promised to hold a spot for me, knowing that would be a risk for her as a school could hire me at any point.
Long story short, it's pretty apparent I'll be back at the preschool again. Only this time, I'll be with a younger age. In comes the ol' comparison monster again. I have friends getting hired to teach and do what they love. My best friend is moving to AFRICA and teaching/being a missionary. How could what I do (or will be doing) be of any importance compared to THAT? How will others find any value in what I do? How can I? Here I am, almost done with my masters and this is it? That's all?
I've been offered jobs everywhere else - everywhere else that I'm not. I could pack up tomorrow and have a job teaching exactly what I want to teach exactly where I want to teach it. Brian and I both could leave and just pick up anywhere. Unfortunately, there is this thing called grad school nailing both our feet to the ground. And a youth group that, although at times drives us to our wits end, needs its leader. I just want people to know that I AM valuable and wanted in other places. We both are. But, we're stuck, for lack of better terms.
I am such a selfishly minded person. I get that.
The bottom line? God's doing a BIG work in my life. He's teaching me a lot about patience (see previous posts, HA), timing (again, previous posts) and most importantly -- He's teaching me about humility.
To begin with, who is to say that what I do isn't important? Did you know that a large base of our parents who have enrolled their children at our preschool are unchurched? That some don't even believe in a God at all? I bet if you think about it, those of you who went to church a time or two can remember a song or story that your teacher taught you as a small child. Memories have a way of sticking around, don't they?
You know, the problem is I feel like I have to convince people around me that what I do is in important. But really, I have to convince myself.
To those of you in my life who are reading this, know that I count my blessings. I do know how blessed I am to be in a church that meets our needs. I know I'm lucky to have a group of teenagers who teach me more each day than I could ever teach them. I'm so blessed to live in this great apartment furnished with all our "stuff" that we don't really need. I totally understand I'm blessed where I am. I just have to admit I'm human and I struggle with feeling like I'm missing out on something. Don't we all?
No matter where I (you) am in life, God's got a purpose for it. It may not be everything I wish it would be. But who's to say He isn't trying to teach me something for the road ahead? Who's to say I'm not making an unseen impact - that maybe the fruits will never be evident to my eyes, but still come to be because of my willingness to just BE wherever He says to be. Perhaps I need to learn to shut up and think less about how my life appears to others and pay more attention to making the most of whatever time I have left on this earth and making a difference.
Thanks for letting me spew a bit. I love how therapeutic writing can be. This post began as a means for me to prove myself to others and ended up proving a lot more to me. Sneaky irony.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Reaching
Last week, for the first time ever, Brian and I both were able to go on an extended trip with our youth. In the past, he or I have either been busy with work or classes and would have to draw straws on who would go while we the other stayed behind to tend to business. This year, we both finally had clear schedules and were able to trot off into the extreme heat with 15 youth, our fearless bus driver Ed, and my awesome mom, who volunteered to be our extra chaperone.
So, off we went to Grand Isle, Louisiana as we partnered with our "home church" - Southside Baptist. I don't exactly know what I expected to come from this trip. I think I built it up to be this time that would cement leadership abilities. I was just certain that my heart was ready to do some ministry, but honestly? God did a lot more work on my heart that I thought I even needed. I wasn't quite as prepared and "seasoned" as I expected.
I started the week off in a pretty crappy state, emotionally speaking. Lately, and for some unknown reason, I have been super sensitive to this baby/pregnancy/miscarriage thing. I mean cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-whoa-mama-hide-ya-kids-that's-scary type of sensitivity. I realized early on in the trip that Satan was trying to kick me at my lowest. He knows my weak spot. He knew I was eager to see great things accomplished. He knew how to make me the "dead leg". And for a few days, as I hate to admit, it worked. I sat on the beach during our morning devotion asking God all the typical "why" questions, even though I got my answer months ago when I wrote my first blog post about it happening. I knew God was God and that He does as He wills, but I went right back to the "why me?" phase. It didn't help that we had originally talked about telling the kids I was pregnant while we were on the trip. So there we were, with no news to share, and I decided to play the party pooper card. Way to go, LL.
I remember specifically one morning on the beach, as I looked out into the endless horizon, praying fervently for God to give me a baby. (I was at that crazy lady desperation stage, I admit it.) "God, I want this more than anything."
....and almost as if He was sitting right next to me, I heard this response: "You want this more than me, don't you?" Bam. Slapped in the face by the palm of His words. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Here I sat, as a chaperone/minister's wife who had been preaching the entire trip thus far about the importance of God being your hearts desire. Here I sat, hypocritically desiring something else.
In Ephesians 2, Paul writes about the grace of God: the grace that He has bestowed upon us because of His great love. In the first few verses, he talks about how we are not only made alive with Christ because of this love and grace, but that we are seated with Him in the heavenly realms. Seated with Him? As in, being right next to the only One who is literally able to fill any void, calm any fear, ease any heartache, and hear the desires of our heart? Yeah. That's the guy.
Imagine with me, if you will, Laura Leigh sitting in that seat up in the heavenlies, next to our Christ. There on one side of me, I have the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. There next to me is my Redeemer, Jehovah Jireh, my provider, the Holy One of Israel, my Savior. RIGHT THERE WITH ME. ...But what is Laura Leigh doing? She's so preoccupied with having something ELSE. Instead of clinging to my Everything, I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, grasping for something that isn't there, thinking THAT will be the ultimate satisfaction. Do you see the disconnect here?
I remind myself so much of the person in Derek Webb's song, Wedding Dress. Take a look at these lyrics:
If you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need or is there more I’m looking for
and should I read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want
I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle
and I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle to you
So could you love this bastard child
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood
Because money cannot buy a husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife
I realized it at that moment on the beach, just like I'm realizing it more and more each day that while I know God is in control, I'm still begging Him to give me a child because I think that's what will make me happy. Oh, how wrong I am.
I'm looking for satisfaction elsewhere, when I've been given everything I need and it's sitting right next to me. I am seated with my Everything in the heavens and HE is the only One that can bring me unspeakable joy. I've got a lot to learn. I can't say that I'm not struggling. I am. Every day. But I know that God is a jealous God, and He wants my attention. I know that I don't even want to mother a child until I learn to love God with every single last fiber of my being, because I want to teach my children how to love Him like that. My prayer has to be to develop a desire to know Him more and more each day. I pray that I do.
Whatever it is you're leaning over in that seat for, just stop it. Stop reaching out looking for something or someone else to make you happy. It never will. Not for eternity, at least. One minute, you want one thing/person and the next, you're realizing it didn't do the trick. Stop putting your hand in the pot of gold and start relying on the only One who can give you the desires of your heart. He'll not only give you those desires, He'll change them to fit HIS will for your life. You want true joy? It's sitting right next to you, friend.
Trust me. I've been leaning over far too long.
So, off we went to Grand Isle, Louisiana as we partnered with our "home church" - Southside Baptist. I don't exactly know what I expected to come from this trip. I think I built it up to be this time that would cement leadership abilities. I was just certain that my heart was ready to do some ministry, but honestly? God did a lot more work on my heart that I thought I even needed. I wasn't quite as prepared and "seasoned" as I expected.
I started the week off in a pretty crappy state, emotionally speaking. Lately, and for some unknown reason, I have been super sensitive to this baby/pregnancy/miscarriage thing. I mean cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-whoa-mama-hide-ya-kids-that's-scary type of sensitivity. I realized early on in the trip that Satan was trying to kick me at my lowest. He knows my weak spot. He knew I was eager to see great things accomplished. He knew how to make me the "dead leg". And for a few days, as I hate to admit, it worked. I sat on the beach during our morning devotion asking God all the typical "why" questions, even though I got my answer months ago when I wrote my first blog post about it happening. I knew God was God and that He does as He wills, but I went right back to the "why me?" phase. It didn't help that we had originally talked about telling the kids I was pregnant while we were on the trip. So there we were, with no news to share, and I decided to play the party pooper card. Way to go, LL.
I remember specifically one morning on the beach, as I looked out into the endless horizon, praying fervently for God to give me a baby. (I was at that crazy lady desperation stage, I admit it.) "God, I want this more than anything."
....and almost as if He was sitting right next to me, I heard this response: "You want this more than me, don't you?" Bam. Slapped in the face by the palm of His words. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Here I sat, as a chaperone/minister's wife who had been preaching the entire trip thus far about the importance of God being your hearts desire. Here I sat, hypocritically desiring something else.
In Ephesians 2, Paul writes about the grace of God: the grace that He has bestowed upon us because of His great love. In the first few verses, he talks about how we are not only made alive with Christ because of this love and grace, but that we are seated with Him in the heavenly realms. Seated with Him? As in, being right next to the only One who is literally able to fill any void, calm any fear, ease any heartache, and hear the desires of our heart? Yeah. That's the guy.
Imagine with me, if you will, Laura Leigh sitting in that seat up in the heavenlies, next to our Christ. There on one side of me, I have the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. There next to me is my Redeemer, Jehovah Jireh, my provider, the Holy One of Israel, my Savior. RIGHT THERE WITH ME. ...But what is Laura Leigh doing? She's so preoccupied with having something ELSE. Instead of clinging to my Everything, I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, grasping for something that isn't there, thinking THAT will be the ultimate satisfaction. Do you see the disconnect here?
I remind myself so much of the person in Derek Webb's song, Wedding Dress. Take a look at these lyrics:
If you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need or is there more I’m looking for
and should I read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want
I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle
and I run down the aisle
I’m a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle to you
So could you love this bastard child
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood
Because money cannot buy a husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife
I realized it at that moment on the beach, just like I'm realizing it more and more each day that while I know God is in control, I'm still begging Him to give me a child because I think that's what will make me happy. Oh, how wrong I am.
I'm looking for satisfaction elsewhere, when I've been given everything I need and it's sitting right next to me. I am seated with my Everything in the heavens and HE is the only One that can bring me unspeakable joy. I've got a lot to learn. I can't say that I'm not struggling. I am. Every day. But I know that God is a jealous God, and He wants my attention. I know that I don't even want to mother a child until I learn to love God with every single last fiber of my being, because I want to teach my children how to love Him like that. My prayer has to be to develop a desire to know Him more and more each day. I pray that I do.
Whatever it is you're leaning over in that seat for, just stop it. Stop reaching out looking for something or someone else to make you happy. It never will. Not for eternity, at least. One minute, you want one thing/person and the next, you're realizing it didn't do the trick. Stop putting your hand in the pot of gold and start relying on the only One who can give you the desires of your heart. He'll not only give you those desires, He'll change them to fit HIS will for your life. You want true joy? It's sitting right next to you, friend.
Trust me. I've been leaning over far too long.
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