Progress?

Well, since my post I have learned of two jobs -- very different from each other.

To begin with, I applied as Sports Marketing Representative for St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. That basically entails me finding ways to market fundraising and awareness for St. Jude at major sporting events. It would be pretty fun to do something like that and I would definitely LOVE to work for the cause. For some reason though, I'm not feeling too confident about it. I don't know. Just a feeling.

Then TODAY Brian's cousin, who is a 2nd grade teacher in Memphis, told me about a position at a high school in the Shelby County School District that is in need of a theatre teacher. BINGO!! So, I applied. I have been talking to God about this one aaaaaaalllllll day. This would be the perfect set up to do what I love and have a good gateway into grad school. I just keep telling myself that HE will do whatever HE sees best for my life. If I get it, praise Him. If I don't, praise Him. That's the lesson I'm learning. (But I really really really want it) :)

So, if you could, just say a prayer for me. I would be so thrilled to take this position. His timing.

In other news ::

Brian turns 25 on Sunday. What an old fella. And just like I always do, I gave him his birthday present early. Sigh. I couldn't help myself. I hadn't even had it for a full day and I gave in. He is pretty manipulative when it comes to gift giving. :)

Our good and very close friends -- Drew and Jenn -- told us today that they are expecting a little one. I'm so excited for them but so blown away by the fact that I have a number of friends who are expecting or are new parents. Whoa! That just doesn't seem right! Aren't we all supposed to be 16 and riding around at night with the windows down, looking for simple mischief? Holy granola. It's kinda difficult to not catch baby fever though. But luckily for me, just when I have the biggest bout of baby fever, logic hits and I realize that we have PUH-LENTY of time left for a child. Well, we hope!

Again, pray for me if you get the chance. And be sure to let me know how I can pray for YOU.

Monday, Monday.

I've never really liked Mondays. It used to be because that meant going back to class for the entire day after enjoying the weekend. These days, I don't like Mondays because everyone is at work...and I'm not! :)

It is not easy for me to enjoy being home right now. I'm a little tired of some maintenance issues in our apartment and am too ready to move to care to clean. Plus, when I do clean I feel like it just gets messed up as soon as it'd tidy! I blame that on Brian. :)

I still have this overwhelming desire to want to panic at the fact that I still don't have a job waiting on me when we move. My flesh wants to cry and panic and basically just throw a fit, but I still feel so confident that God is putting all the details together. In His time, He will reveal the plans. I know that. I really do.

Brian is well on his way to starting his M.Div at Mid-America. Our current pastor, Bro. Jeff, was once a missionary in Zimbabwe along with one of the professors on staff at Mid-America. He gave him a call the other day and Brian was able to talk to him and tell him some of our needs as far as jobs, scholarships, etc. He was so helpful and even asked us to come visit sometime and stay with him if need be. I just felt that that was God's way of saying "See, you little worry wart? I've got it all under control." :)

So that's where I am today...just learning to trust God's timing and will for our lives. I haven't realized until recently just how much I allow worry to control me. Instead of giving it all to God, I just sit and chew and chew on things that really have no significance in the Kingdom. Instead of chewing these days, I'm working on committing my worries and concerns to God through prayer and doing my best to simply forget about my troubles and rely on His might. It's not easy, but it sure has been an interesting lesson.

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. -- Hebrews 4:16

Behind already.

See? I said a once-a-week post and I'm already behind!

In all fairness, last week was pretty crazy. My family was in town for my college graduation (woot!) and mom stayed the entire week so I was pretty busy going back and forth and hanging out with family and friends.

Anyway, things have settled down so I hope to keep up with the one post a week thing -- maybe more. I'm not doing much these days.

I'll be honest. I've been a little anxious recently trying to see how God is putting the pieces to this new puzzle together. To begin with, let me just say that I have the most wonderful husband on the planet. Sure, he has flaws. But when it comes to me, he gives 100% all of the time. I know without a doubt that he loves me, is completely loyal, and would do anything for me.

Brian assures me that I can take this time of transition to do what I want. But, I would like to find a job to help out with moving expenses. I know I don't necessarily HAVE to, but I am looking. So far, no good. I feel like I'm not contributing anything. But just when I feel myself wanting to panic, I am overwhelmed with feelings of assurance and peace from God. I know He is going to take care of us. I don't know how, but I feel He is already working towards making all these loose ends meet.

Speaking of jobs, I am still searching for one in Memphis. Yeah, some days I ask myself why I turned down 36k/year plus benefits. It makes no sense at all. Not in worldly standards, at least. But I am positive that this was the call God had on our lives. To leave and go on to bigger things now and watch HIM do all the work -- if we remain faithful. But, if anyone out there knows of anything in the Memphis/Cordova area, let me know! :)

This really is such a faith journey for the both of us. I just love the peace and assurance that God is delivering me daily. It isn't easy to fully trust and let go, but I know He is in this. And I'm just waiting to see what cool things He's gonna do.

Breaking Stuff.

God's doing it. Especially in my life.

Today, I turned down a job...a very WELL paying job...because I knew the Lord was calling me to. It hurt. A lot. Knowing we could have been financially stable, without a care in the world...that was a nice feeling. But God kept tugging and tugging and pulling and pulling. It seemed like the perfect set up. But it just wasn't His plan for us.

Our lives are quickly changing. It's scary and frustrating. But I have to rely on the knowledge that "He who began a good work in [me] will be faithful to complete it until the day of our Lord Jesus Christ." God is still working on me, on us. He is always working. I have to be willing to say yes to Him, even if that means turning down seemingly wonderful opportunities.

So, lead me Lord. Because I have no idea where we are headed. And that's okay.

It's like someone got inside my head...

...and wrote this song about my heart and how I feel about God.

This is "Pieces" by Red.

"Pieces"

I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your eye

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole!

I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

________________________________

The part that is in bold is beautiful. The singer is basically screaming at the top of his lungs. It's so tragic. You can hear it in his voice. It's exactly how I feel.

I messed up. I failed. But I tried. Do you hear me, GOD!?! I TRIED SO HARD! I DID IT ON MY OWN! I TRIED I TRIED I TRIED!!... I failed.

I can't do it on my own. But I'm experiencing a beautiful brokenness that is reminding me that God will not use a person greatly until He breaks them deeply.

I tried so hard. But I did it without Him. Now, it's time to hold His hand all the way.