Logically, I feel as though I am way too young and still a little too carefree to be concerned with having children at this point in our lives. But every day there seems to be some internal struggle over the idea of having a child sooner than later. (I won't give it a specific time frame.)
Brian and I both know that as soon as he completes his M.Div that we will be working towards a mission placement with the IMB. In fact, he's beginning the application process next fall under the supervision of one of his professors. It's a long and tedious process -- it will take at least (at LEAST) two years before we ever even find out where we MIGHT be heading. So, we're looking at a possible move in about 5 years.
That being said, I keep having the issue of children come up in my mind. While I don't necessarily know if I'm ready or even want one at the present time, I can't help but think about how much better it would be for us to have them...well, at least one, before we are to move off to some other country for anywhere between 3-12 years. I keep thinking of my Mom and Dad. While they support us and our heart for international missions and while this isn't about them, I can't help but think how sad it would be for us to be a 9-12 hour flight away and then have a child whom they might not really ever have much of a chance spending time with. I want my kids to know my parents and vice versa.
That's just one issue. Again, my parents shouldn't be a deciding factor, and they won't be. Just talking here. Here's my other issue. On the side of why I SHOULDN'T be thinking about kids right now, the biggest argument is MONEY.
Money. Everyone needs it. Nobody ever has enough. Now, I've mentioned before that we are very, very blessed to have all our needs supplied. But, let's be honest. Babies = expensive. Very, very expensive. Diapers? Hellooooo! They'll break your bank like nobody's business. I keep telling myself that we just aren't financially ready to handle such a responsibility.
But then it hits me. We weren't financially ready or able to move. But God provided. Big time. He blew my mind in that whole situation. Still has. Still does. Everyday. By me saying that we can't have kids right now because we don't have a lot of money, isn't that me doubting His provision? Think about it. Don't even get me started on the issue of BC. (Hey, it's MY blog. I'm just thinking out loud here.) I struggle with that a lot. Am I trying to take control of something that I should just give to God and trust His timing for? Aren't we called to trust God in all things? Is this me taking a step too far, trying to keep my hands clutched on MY schedule and MY time?
Then there's these stupid dreams. Like Saturday night's for example. (And I feel really dumb for even laying this out for you people to read, but I've simply got to "say" it somewhere.) All I remember about it is seeing this young child...only the back of her...but I knew she was mine. I loved her. A lot. It was really nothing but a bunch of sequences of her clinging to Brian and him holding on to her. I told Brian about it, and I think he thought I was nuts. I may be. I probably am. But I cannot get the vision of her out of my head. I woke up that morning longing to hold her...someone who doesn't even exist! I just wanted to scoop her up and never let her go. How is it possible to be so in love with someone who has yet to make their debut in this world?
....Do you see how nuts this is making me! One minute, I'm perfectly content with being able to go and do and be spontaneous without the hassle of caring for anyone else but myself and Brian. Then the next, my mind is set on motherhood. I know. I'm young. I'm very young by comparison to many moms.
My heart is torn with so many emotions, though. It's weird. And it's driving me insane!
I think maybe I need a few days in a padded cell and under some serious psychiatric evaluation! Ha! Oh well. Call me crazy, but I know I'm not the only one in this world who fights these mixed emotions. To those of you who aren't married or are newly married and think I'm nuts - you may be right. But just wait. One day, you just might understand me.
Alright. I'll end it here. Promise. Remember, I'm not seriously considering anything. In fact, this has really helped just to sit here and write it all out. Isn't that what blogging is for? Reflection?
Thanks for reading. :)
Again, I want to note how eerie it is to read my own thoughts on someone else's blog. LL, you have NO IDEA how much we think alike...or maybe you do, but it's really scary sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI have this same battle in my mind EVERY day. Chris can attest to that, and while he doesn't stress over it, he knows it's something I carry with me everywhere I go. I am telling you that every word you have written reflects my own struggle. I know you won't put a time frame on it, but I basically had to plan that part out with Chris or I thought I would go insane. I really needed to know some sort of a count down in my mind. It really depresses me though, too. It seems so much farther away than I really want it to be, but it's really not.
I had that dream too, but we had two children. Chris was with one elsewhere in this theater and I was holding our 4 or 5 year-old girl. She was wrapped around me so I couldn't see her face (much like your dream), but being able to feel her was almost too much for me to handle. Her name was Judy (which made us laugh SOOOO hard after I woke up).
Anyway, I don't have any advice because I am having a hard time as well, but you are not alone. If you're crazy, I'm crazy.