Raw and real.

Life according to the world:

College. Career. Marriage. Travel. Buy house. Expand career. Make money. Travel more. Buy another impressive toy. And just before your ovaries go kaput, have a kid. But not until then.

I don't really care what the world has to say. I haven't really followed it's idea thus far. Married at 21. Living simply -- and happily at that. Working just to pay bills and instead of glamorous trips and big, shiny toys, I've been enjoying things like family, sunshine, cups of coffee and laughter. And now, I can honestly say that I am eager for the kids part to come along.

Oh, I know. I know I have so much life left to live (that's what we all hope, right?). I know that I could go and do and achieve and see before I "should" have to worry about a child. I know that. But that's not what I want. It honestly isn't.

I wrote a blog post a few months about how my desires completely changed over the past few years regarding goals for my life. Honestly, I remember offending a friend a few years ago when I made the statement that I wanted more for my life than to be toting around a kid or two in a mini-van, sitting at soccer games and dance recitals. I couldn't understand why, at that point, she was looking forward to something that shouldn't be taking place in her life until well into her mid 30s or 40s (in my opinion). And now, here I sit...mind changed and desires shifted.

But perhaps I really have this desire because at the moment...that just isn't possible. Long story short, a few weeks ago at a regular check-up, I learned some things about my health that may very well be a deterrent in us having children. I didn't think too much about it at the time, but within the past few weeks, it has been gnawing away at my brain. Right now, since I've changed jobs, I have no insurance. I'm trying to rectify this situation at the moment, if possible, but it's not exactly easy financially or strategically (work doesn't offer it...and well, private plans are soooo expensive!!). Anyway, no insurance means no further looking into the situation which will keep kids from being in the picture for the time being.

Now, I know the Lord works in mysterious ways. And there is a possibility that the insurance issue may be resolved in the near future.

But until then, I find myself eyeing mothers in our church with their babies on Sunday morning. I constantly look at pictures of friend's babies. Worst of all, I find it hard to be truly happy for friends when they announce they're expecting. There's a tinge of jealousy. I guess I'll be really honest at this point and say that I had to excuse myself to the ladies room to stop tears yesterday at church when someone asked me why in the world I didn't have kids yet.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this except to say: there's a deep desire within me to be a mother. Not necessarily to a house full of kids. But I know I long for that day. I don't care what the world says I should do first or how long we should be married or how much money I should or shouldn't be making.

The calling on my life is to be a wife to Brian -- the best wife I possibly can be because he deserves it. And after that, I KNOW that I want to and was made to be a mom. If I never see another stage or leading role, if I never make an excessively impressive salary, if I never see but only the parts of the world I've already seen because of the sacrifice it takes to be one, SO WHAT.

This world has NOTHING for me.