Releasing thoughts.

I've never been a creature of habit. That's why this blog just simply isn't updated as much as I ideally want it to be. I'll look at the blogger tab on the toolbar and consider writing a post but then decide against it.

I guess I'm trying to figure out why I do this. Why do I blog? There are times when I have things I want to say, but then I'll toss the potential entry aside for one of two reasons:

A) No one really reads them, which makes it semi-useless. I'm not having a pity party here. It's just the truth. I don't see how anything I have to say could be important because no one reads it. I don't really even advertise that I have a blog. I'm not sure why. I don't even think my mother has found this blog...and if you know me, you know how monumental that is. I think I'm afraid of what people's reactions will be to my personal beliefs. I especially get uncomfortable when I imagine how people will react to me lamenting over the fact that I'm having issues getting pregnant and how that turns into a fear of never being a mother.

Then there's B): I fear that those who read it will judge me. Mostly on the baby thing, because I'll be honest, that's a serious issue for me right now. I want to blog about it. I want to be able to have some therapeutic outlook on the situation. But I fear that people will make statements about my age or lot in life or what have you. I fear that if I write a post about God that someone will take it as me being "overly-Godly", which I have been accused of lately. But that's another post for another day. ("For I am not ashamed of the gospel...) :)

Honestly, this was supposed to be a post about not posting. (What a mouthful.) But I need to vent. I need to use this for what I think it's intended purpose was. I'm discovering that at this moment. It's for me. It's to put my thoughts out there, because I know sometimes people get tired of my whining. This is a safe place to do that, if I must. If anyone reads it, they chose to use their time to do so. I didn't force them.

Do you know how difficult it is to be truly happy when another friend announces her pregnancy? Can I just say how hard it is to teach precious little 3 year olds when I have this aching desire to be a mother to my own? It's even harder when you have those one or two who are more attached to you than the rest of the kiddos and just want to sit in your lap and talk to you, face-to-face, really close or just lay their head on your shoulder? I love those moments, but it always reminds me that it's just superficial. I am not their mother. They don't love me like they do their mother, and I don't love them like their mother does. It makes me wonder if I'll ever have the opportunity to love like that.

Honestly, I get that at my age I have plenty of time. I do. I have a life to live. I have things to accomplish (hopefully not another degree -- I'm already broke from the master's I'm working on).

I suppose my job just makes the getting over it and chilling out process a little harder. And the worries and concerns I have over the health issues that are proving to be a deterrent in ever having one eat at my brain.

I would love to just chill out and say "if it happens/when it happens, it will". But I can't. I know Brian is about ready to just shoot me. I know he wants to have children too, but as you can imagine, he's much more relaxed about it. I know I have to stop talking to him about it. I guess?

I know this is unusual for a woman my age to even really consider. But I think I made it clear in an earlier post that I don't nor have I ever done anything according to status quo. Ever. I've always been ahead of the game. And I know that a mother is something I want to be -- even after years of swearing against it. (I guess the right man can change that for you!) :)

I'm just venting. And this feels good. It really does. No pressure to write a post about something insanely deep and profound. Just a way for me to share my frustrations, upsets, and maybe even sometimes the good news. :)

To those few friends who do sometimes mull over my posts -- thanks for reading this. I'm not crazy. Just coping with desires and timing -- and ultimately, being grateful for each moment and not overlooking today in anticipation of things that haven't even come to fruition yet.

Today's lesson learned: Don't anticipate the life of tomorrow; participate in life today.