Reaching

Last week, for the first time ever, Brian and I both were able to go on an extended trip with our youth. In the past, he or I have either been busy with work or classes and would have to draw straws on who would go while we the other stayed behind to tend to business. This year, we both finally had clear schedules and were able to trot off into the extreme heat with 15 youth, our fearless bus driver Ed, and my awesome mom, who volunteered to be our extra chaperone.

 So, off we went to Grand Isle, Louisiana as we partnered with our "home church" - Southside Baptist. I don't exactly know what I expected to come from this trip. I think I built it up to be this time that would cement leadership abilities. I was just certain that my heart was ready to do some ministry, but honestly? God did a lot more work on my heart that I thought I even needed. I wasn't quite as prepared and "seasoned" as I expected.

I started the week off in a pretty crappy state, emotionally speaking. Lately, and for some unknown reason, I have been super sensitive to this baby/pregnancy/miscarriage thing. I mean cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-whoa-mama-hide-ya-kids-that's-scary type of sensitivity. I realized early on in the trip that Satan was trying to kick me at my lowest. He knows my weak spot. He knew I was eager to see great things accomplished. He knew how to make me the "dead leg". And for a few days, as I hate to admit, it worked. I sat on the beach during our morning devotion asking God all the typical "why" questions, even though I got my answer months ago when I wrote my first blog post about it happening. I knew God was God and that He does as He wills, but I went right back to the "why me?" phase. It didn't help that we had originally talked about telling the kids I was pregnant while we were on the trip. So there we were, with no news to share, and I decided to play the party pooper card. Way to go, LL.

I remember specifically one morning on the beach, as I looked out into the endless horizon, praying fervently for God to give me a baby. (I was at that crazy lady desperation stage, I admit it.) "God, I want this more than anything."

....and almost as if He was sitting right next to me, I heard this response: "You want this more than me, don't you?" Bam. Slapped in the face by the palm of His words. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Here I sat, as a chaperone/minister's wife who had been preaching the entire trip thus far about the importance of God being your hearts desire. Here I sat, hypocritically desiring something else.

In Ephesians 2, Paul writes about the grace of God: the grace that He has bestowed upon us because of His great love. In the first few verses, he talks about how we are not only made alive with Christ because of this love and grace, but that we are seated with Him in the heavenly realms. Seated with Him? As in, being right next to the only One who is literally able to fill any void, calm any fear, ease any heartache, and hear the desires of our heart? Yeah. That's the guy.

Imagine with me, if you will, Laura Leigh sitting in that seat up in the heavenlies, next to our Christ. There on one side of me, I have the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. There next to me is my Redeemer, Jehovah Jireh, my provider, the Holy One of Israel, my Savior. RIGHT THERE WITH ME. ...But what is Laura Leigh doing? She's so preoccupied with having something ELSE. Instead of clinging to my Everything, I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, grasping for something that isn't there, thinking THAT will be the ultimate satisfaction. Do you see the disconnect here?

 I remind myself so much of the person in Derek Webb's song, Wedding Dress. Take a look at these lyrics:
 If you could love me as a wife 
 and for my wedding gift, your life 
 Should that be all I’d ever need or is there more I’m looking for 


 and should I read between the lines 
 and look for blessings in disguise 
 To make me handsome, rich, and wise 
 Is that really what you want 


 I am a whore I do confess 
 But I put you on just like a wedding dress 
 and I run down the aisle 
 and I run down the aisle 
 I’m a prodigal with no way home 
 but I put you on just like a ring of gold 
 and I run down the aisle to you 


So could you love this bastard child 
Though I don’t trust you to provide 
With one hand in a pot of gold 
 and with the other in your side 


 I am so easily satisfied 
 by the call of lovers so less wild 
 That I would take a little cash
 Over your very flesh and blood 


 Because money cannot buy a husband’s jealous eye 
 When you have knowingly deceived his wife 


I realized it at that moment on the beach, just like I'm realizing it more and more each day that while I know God is in control, I'm still begging Him to give me a child because I think that's what will make me happy. Oh, how wrong I am. 


I'm looking for satisfaction elsewhere, when I've been given everything I need and it's sitting right next to me. I am seated with my Everything in the heavens and HE is the only One that can bring me unspeakable joy. I've got a lot to learn. I can't say that I'm not struggling. I am. Every day. But I know that God is a jealous God, and He wants my attention. I know that I don't even want to mother a child until I learn to love God with every single last fiber of my being, because I want to teach my children how to love Him like that. My prayer has to be to develop a desire to know Him more and more each day. I pray that I do. 


Whatever it is you're leaning over in that seat for, just stop it. Stop reaching out looking for something or someone else to make you happy. It never will. Not for eternity, at least. One minute, you want one thing/person and the next, you're realizing it didn't do the trick. Stop putting your hand in the pot of gold and start relying on the only One who can give you the desires of your heart. He'll not only give you those desires, He'll change them to fit HIS will for your life. You want true joy? It's sitting right next to you, friend. 


Trust me. I've been leaning over far too long.