Reflections.

Recently, Brian and I attended the high school graduation ceremony of quite a few of our youth. It was kind of an odd ordeal. See, graduation season always makes me so nostalgic and it usually lasts a while. My thoughts tend to focus on years past. Then, my dreams start to take a turn in that direction, too, and I am revisited by faces I haven't seen in quite some time.

I remember my high school graduation pretty vividly....

It was in our poorly fluorescent lit basketball gym. That place always smelled like rubber and sweat. It was incredibly hot in there, yet the speaker failed to cut us any slack as he droned on and on and on with his forgettable speech. For some reason, I decided to wear seafoam green eyeshadow that evening -- a decision I would regret years later upon looking at photographs of the occasion. We were all seated on stage facing the audience. All 31 of us. The largest graduating class in the history of our small school in the heart of Delta farmland. I remember being fairly shaky because I was sitting pretty close to the guy I crushed on all 4 years of high school, yet never had the guts to do anything about it. That was pretty much the sum of my social career in high school, but I suppose that is another post for another day.

I remember the height of the emotion from all of my classmates that evening, as we swore we'd always keep in touch and be present throughout each other's lives. I wasn't so convinced that would be the case in mine though. I was an outsider from day 1, having not grown up in the small town my school was located in. While I have great memories with girls and guys I went to school with, graduation was the last night I ever saw my classmates simply because I had no roots in that place to keep me coming back. I suppose that's why, to this day, I don't understand the tears from kids at graduation who seem to be sad about leaving their friends. I never saw mine again - save the virtual photos that cross my facebook newsfeed every once in a while.

I, just like every one of my classmates I'm sure, felt like a star that night. I felt like I had taken over the world and that I was headed for success and victories unknown, yet sure to be mind-blowing and off-the-charts. The world was literally sitting on my fingertips.

Fast forward a few years, and I'm at Mississippi College taking part in every activity I could possibly squeeze into my calendar. I played a lot and studied too little. I spent late nights acting a fool with my roommate - times that culminated into me developing the greatest (and at times most frustrating) friendship I've ever known. I invested time in a social tribe that may have brought me lots of fun memories, but proved to me that "sisterhood" doesn't always mean lasting friendships, and that's okay. I spent hours upon hours goofing off in the theatre department, developing friendships with the most talented group of people I've ever known and being mentored by the greatest minds I've ever had the privilege of learning from. In my late college career, I spent afternoons on the porch at Cups, having imaginary conversations with an acquaintance who also grew to be one of my greatest -- albeit, neurotic at times -- and best friends that I cherish.

Marriage. Graduation. (Yes, in that order. Sue me.) Moving. First job. Moving again. Second job. Losing a job. Losing a child.

....Nostalgia.

Life just keeps going at 100 miles a minute. And after all this time, I'm still searching for my place in this world. I'm still trying to figure out where I belong best and who I'm becoming and if I'm ever going to accomplish those life goals I once laid out on the life map in my mind.

Some days bring immense joy as I lay in bed at night and reflect on how blessed I am. Others bring heartache and sorrow as I ache for those I've lost and opportunities I yearned for and never got the chance to see come to life. Some days, I worry for the heart of my friend who is hurting after losing her future - what she thought was to be a sure thing.

....Some nights, I just sit and silence - in awe of the place I'm at and the God who has brought me through it all - in one piece, and stronger than ever before.

There have been moments in my life where I've thought "this is it. This is when it all turns around and I'm catapulted into something fantastic." And then.... letdowns, heartaches, confusion, and journeys back to square one.

If I could tell any graduating senior anything, it would be this: Life is never going to go as you expect it. You'll fall down more times than you care to count. Your heart will be bent in ways you never thought possible. But with each fall comes the opportunity to get back up. And though you might bend, you'll never break. And one day, you'll be looking back on all these times as a 20-something who is still confused as to what direction your life is headed. And everything - every smile, every good memory, every heartache, and every tear - will be a beautiful picture of the person you're becoming. Regret nothing.

...And if you have the courage to do so, make sure each note in the symphony of your life resoundingly moves and steers others towards the God of this universe. While you may not know what lies ahead in your life, He does.

After all, He wrote it.