This week - I can't even describe it. My gosh, the emotions I've experienced.... It was nothing for me to go from somber to silly or depressed to delighted in a matter of minutes. Just as I stated in my last post, I never once doubted God's sovereignty. But I had a hard time categorizing this thing that was happening...is happening to me. Needless to say, I had to thumb through a lot of thoughts and figure out where I was going to go from all of this.
Luckily for me, I've had some incredible people so far who've helped me get over the initial shock and pain of all of this. My parents have been a source of absolute strength for me, having gone through this a few times before they ever held my older brother in their arms. I'll never forget the way they both ran to my side the day we found out. They carried me home and loved me in a way I don't think I've ever experienced from them. It was precious. Even the way my brother stepped up to the plate to comfort me has been an incredible experience.
And Brian.... Wow. I'm not even entirely sure I can type this paragraph without losing the composure I do have left. The times we have shared through this are ones that I KNOW will be the foundation of strength, courage, and hope we will need in the future. There's something so absolutely beautiful in sharing tears of sorrow with your soul mate or just simply being still together. I've never doubted it a day since we married, but I am even more certain now that I was blessed beyond measure when God gave me Brian.
But through all of this, one thing constantly comes to mind - the intense love I've felt radiating from my heart for my Father. In my head, I keep asking myself why I'm not angry - why am I not ready to just let God have it for allowing this to happen? And I suppose I wouldn't be completely insane for doing so. That would just make me human. But, I can't. I absolutely cannot be mad at God for all of this.
What if God's purpose in all of this was to remind me how badly I need Him and how much He loves me? What if life's pains and heartaches are really times when God is softly beckoning us to His arms?
There's no better place than that, I can tell you for sure.
Life goes on. But I can tell you one thing, I am not the same. I am not the same not solely for the fact that I've experienced grief in such a personal and deep way. No, my friend. I am not the same because I have experienced the Healer in a way I have never known. I will never, in my life, be able to look back on this time and not remember the way He has so clearly spoken to me.
God has called me not simply to trust in Him during times of trouble, but to chase after Him with reckless abandon because He is good, He is gracious, and He is GOD. I cannot be silent any longer about my Savior. I cannot hold back for fear of offending someone. I pray that God reminds me of this heartache I've endured and am enduring every single day for the rest of my life just so that I may remember this insanely REAL comfort and care He's provided me. In all of this, it's only proven to me that He truly is alive and living.
I'm in awe of God tonight - a God that would use heartache to bring healing. A God that DESIRES me so much that He would allow me to endure such things to seek Him and FIND Him waiting, singing over me. What a beautiful love. What a beautiful Savior. What a glorious God.
"The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing."
-Zephaniah 3:17
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