Stuck

...That's how I've felt lately. Stuck.

You know, I've got friends all over the world (literally) who are busy achieving great things and reaching goals and dreaming wild things each day. My social media feeds are clogged with those dearest to me who have finally got that job they wanted or moved into that house they've been eyeing and having that baby and becoming that person they've wanted to be for a lifetime.

And here I am. Stuck.

Don't get me wrong. I know behind the facade of Facebook, each of these people have their own struggles. I know life isn't as perfect as the news feed would have me to believe. But, the enemy is pretty good at remembering comparison is my biggest weakness.

After my stint in marketing - my first job in which I learned that I hated marketing and the corporate world - I shifted my career path into education. For a while, it seemed to be going well. And then, as it always happens, a storm came. Changes had to be made. And as always, the storm sucked at first. But then, things cleared up and settled down. Life got a bit easier and the direction got a little clearer. I wasn't in a high school classroom anymore, and that was okay by me. I was surrounded by amazing women everyday who encouraged me and really took the time to invest in a young girl - something that every teacher on my hall at ?HS had never done or cared to do. So, I spent a year teaching preschool. It was way more challenging than I could have imagined, but I made it.

I suppose though, that's where the comparison initially began. My heart was in Theatre and I (me, me, me) wanted to be teaching theatre and sharing what truly is a passion for me. Plus, a few snarky comments from friends about how I didn't have a "real job" kinda stung and motivated me to find another place - a place where people would appreciate me and find value in me.

So, I got back on the high school train. I applied and applied and applied and applied. Aaaaaaaand, here I am. To date, not one phone call or email from any interested party. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm looking for a teaching position in the most tense school district in the nation at this point in time. I can't go into those details, or I'd be here all night. But if you're interested, just google "Shelby County TN School Merger" and then have your mind blown at the nonsense. Yeah, hiring isn't really on everyone's minds at this point. Lucky me.

Anyway, I knew my fallback would be the preschool should no one hire me. I was honest with my boss and let her know what was up. She's a pretty great woman and promised to hold a spot for me, knowing that would be a risk for her as a school could hire me at any point.

Long story short, it's pretty apparent I'll be back at the preschool again. Only this time, I'll be with a younger age. In comes the ol' comparison monster again. I have friends getting hired to teach and do what they love. My best friend is moving to AFRICA and teaching/being a missionary. How could what I do (or will be doing) be of any importance compared to THAT? How will others find any value in what I do? How can I? Here I am, almost done with my masters and this is it? That's all?

I've been offered jobs everywhere else - everywhere else that I'm not. I could pack up tomorrow and have a job teaching exactly what I want to teach exactly where I want to teach it. Brian and I both could leave and just pick up anywhere. Unfortunately, there is this thing called grad school nailing both our feet to the ground. And a youth group that, although at times drives us to our wits end, needs its leader. I just want people to know that I AM valuable and wanted in other places. We both are. But, we're stuck, for lack of better terms.

I am such a selfishly minded person. I get that.

The bottom line? God's doing a BIG work in my life. He's teaching me a lot about patience (see previous posts, HA), timing (again, previous posts) and most importantly -- He's teaching me about humility.

To begin with, who is to say that what I do isn't important? Did you know that a large base of our parents who have enrolled their children at our preschool are unchurched? That some don't even believe in a God at all? I bet if you think about it, those of you who went to church a time or two can remember a song or story that your teacher taught you as a small child. Memories have a way of sticking around, don't they?

You know, the problem is I feel like I have to convince people around me that what I do is in important. But really, I have to convince myself.

To those of you in my life who are reading this, know that I count my blessings. I do know how blessed I am to be in a church that meets our needs. I know I'm lucky to have a group of teenagers who teach me more each day than I could ever teach them. I'm so blessed to live in this great apartment furnished with all our "stuff" that we don't really need. I totally understand I'm blessed where I am. I just have to admit I'm human and I struggle with feeling like I'm missing out on something. Don't we all?

No matter where I (you) am in life, God's got a purpose for it. It may not be everything I wish it would be. But who's to say He isn't trying to teach me something for the road ahead? Who's to say I'm not making an unseen impact - that maybe the fruits will never be evident to my eyes, but still come to be because of my willingness to just BE wherever He says to be. Perhaps I need to learn to shut up and think less about how my life appears to others and pay more attention to making the most of whatever time I have left on this earth and making a difference.

Thanks for letting me spew a bit. I love how therapeutic writing can be. This post began as a means for me to prove myself to others and ended up proving a lot more to me. Sneaky irony.