Fighting thoughts of fear

How can something so tiny make itself known in my thoughts in such a big way? 

I promise you that I can't go two minutes without thinking of this child. In my head, I can still hear the muffled blub-blub-blub of his/her heartbeat. Every little twinge in my body cues me in to what may or may not be happening. 

I'm overwhelmed with joy most moments. But honestly, today I am so scared that I feel as though I'm suffocating. I am scared to be excited because the very plain and simple truth is, this all could end in a moment. It could be over weeks before I even know it's over

And yes, I know that is no way to move on through this journey. What good will thoughts like that do me? None. I know. 

But I'm afraid that perhaps God's will for this child isn't my will. I read stories and know friends and friends of friends who have made it through that tricky first trimester and gone on to lose their babies at 16, 18, 22, 28 weeks and more. I know women who have lost their babies just days before they were to be born. 

This is all so scary. This is almost too much. To want something so very badly and yet have no way of knowing it will come to complete fruition is frightening. 

I know that ALL things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28). I have no sign or reason to believe anything bad is happening. 

I want to be able to open my hands and lift up this matter and say "Not my will, but Yours be done." Because I know that He has taken every trial and heartache in my life and brought joy and understanding and peace through it all. But this... I feel myself greedily grasping this situation as if I can hide it from God's providential hand - because I want this. I want this. I want this. 

Today is a struggle. Yes, I am grateful and excited for the life in me and the gift He has so graciously bestowed upon my life. I'm so grateful. I'm so humbled. 

But honestly, I am so scared. 

It takes every ounce of strength to hide the hesitations I have in saying this, but nevertheless I know I need to:

Not my will, but Yours, o Lord.