aye aye aye.

I have been battling "the crud" since Sunday and I wish to goodness someone had a hammer to smash against my sinuses!

This morning was another one of those that I wished I could treat work like college and just not go because I felt sick. But, with Brian being a full time grad student, I have to work so the bills get paid. Yuck.

So this is a short post to once again say, never ever ever ever rush college. It's the only time in your life when you get 5 weeks off for holidays and what seems to be endless skips when you just don't feel like getting out of bed.

O death....O grave

Saturday morning I woke up earlier than my husband, as always. I moseyed on to the living room and sat down with my coffee cup - full of peanut butter Cap'n Crunch like any mature young woman would so desire on her weekend morning. I began channel surfing, trying to find something to watch to pass the time.

My phone rang. It was Steve, our good friend from "back home" in Jackson.

Steve never calls me. The thought frightened me. It was only 9 am.

I answered.

"Laura Leigh. It's Steve. First of all, I miss you guys. But...you know there's a reason I'm calling."

I braced myself.

"Shanta died."

My heart sank. I felt like I had swallowed a lump of lead.

I listened to him recount the story: Shanta, sick with the flu, visited her doctor on Friday. He told her she had developed pneumonia and wanted to put her in the hospital to be safe. She entered, doing well (considering her sickness). She died the following morning around 3.

Shanta --- wow. Shanta was a beautiful person. She was the sheer essence of humility. She loved with a heart so large that sometimes you would almost expect it to burst from out of her. She was more of a mother to her two younger sisters who happen to be some of the dearest friends I've ever had the opportunity to make. She was a servant. She longed to glorify Christ with each step she made. She was young.

I had only gotten to know her within this past year through a production company/ministry we both were volunteering our time to. It felt like I had known her for years. She gave the best hugs. She always asked about my life. I never once heard her complain about a thing.

I sat motionless for a while. All I could think of were Christian and Charise, her two sisters - my friends - who must have been heartbroken. Shortly, the tears fell. But they didn't remain long.

As I sat and thought on it longer, my eyes began to be opened to something new. For the first time in my life, I began to understand what the Bible means when it says "O death, where is thy sting?" Sure, I was sad for the loss of a friend. I knew her family was hurting beyond comprehension. But I began to think about Shanta. Wow. She had to have been completely ecstatic to make it to the gates. She was finally at the feet of the One she spent her life serving! It was an unexpected trip -- the best kind! Even now, she still hasn't even had time to fathom the goodness of the God she is now spending an eternity with.

Death, as tragic as it may be, is not the end for those who believe. I understand that now. Shanta is still teaching me even though she is no longer physically present. Rather, God is teaching me.

Thank God that we have a hope. We have a future.

And in the words of one of the greatest women I've ever known - even if only for a short time - it certainly is a "Beautiful day!!"

...doubt...

You know, just a few minutes ago I was looking at the facebook profile of Elizabeth Edwards - the wife of John Edwards who sadly passed away yesterday after a six year battle with breast cancer.

I wondered why so many people were writing on her wall - some even addressing her as if she would be reading their words soon. It seemed ridiculous. I know that sounds harsh, but just follow me. All of a sudden, it hit me: "it's a coping mechanism."

No sooner did I process that thought than I found myself asking the following question:

Isn't that what Christianity is? A coping mechanism to attempt to wade through life?

I was utterly shocked. I didn't ever think something like that would come from me.

But doubt crept in regardless. I sat motionless for a moment. I was wondering what this thought would bring. Was there a revelation to come? Would I suddenly believe that everything I've ever thought to be living and true was simply a device I used to numb painful situations?

Then suddenly, a thought: People have given their lives for Christ. People have trusted him for thousands of years. That seems to be more than coping.

Then after that, momentary visions of moments in my life that have been the most trying. I saw hurt and pain and stress and despair -- followed by comfort and peace and provision and hope.

I may not be able to physically prove the existence of God. But I can look back on my life to this very day and see the intangible evidences of His presence. That's not a coping mechanism. That's a Savior who lives and loves me.

Doubts creep in. Christ reminds me of...well, Himself.

It's not a crutch. He's not a character.

He is alive. And He lives in me.

holy granola.

Today is already just inching by. I'm so ready to get home to see my family and most importantly:

Delta! I love this little creature as if she were my very own child. I pretty much love any animal that way. Except cows. I don't like cows.

If anyone has any power to speed the clock up to 4:15 Central time, I'd appreciate you doing so. I can't wait to be home for this holiday!

just a quick post to say...

....how hilarious it is that today i am the total opposite of my last post.

One day i do, the next day i don't.

Yep. I'm definitely a woman. :p

Tick tock tick tock tick tock.

If people would stop having really cute babies, maybe my biological clock would stop ticking.

Logically, I feel as though I am way too young and still a little too carefree to be concerned with having children at this point in our lives. But every day there seems to be some internal struggle over the idea of having a child sooner than later. (I won't give it a specific time frame.)

Brian and I both know that as soon as he completes his M.Div that we will be working towards a mission placement with the IMB. In fact, he's beginning the application process next fall under the supervision of one of his professors. It's a long and tedious process -- it will take at least (at LEAST) two years before we ever even find out where we MIGHT be heading. So, we're looking at a possible move in about 5 years.

That being said, I keep having the issue of children come up in my mind. While I don't necessarily know if I'm ready or even want one at the present time, I can't help but think about how much better it would be for us to have them...well, at least one, before we are to move off to some other country for anywhere between 3-12 years. I keep thinking of my Mom and Dad. While they support us and our heart for international missions and while this isn't about them, I can't help but think how sad it would be for us to be a 9-12 hour flight away and then have a child whom they might not really ever have much of a chance spending time with. I want my kids to know my parents and vice versa.

That's just one issue. Again, my parents shouldn't be a deciding factor, and they won't be. Just talking here. Here's my other issue. On the side of why I SHOULDN'T be thinking about kids right now, the biggest argument is MONEY.

Money. Everyone needs it. Nobody ever has enough. Now, I've mentioned before that we are very, very blessed to have all our needs supplied. But, let's be honest. Babies = expensive. Very, very expensive. Diapers? Hellooooo! They'll break your bank like nobody's business. I keep telling myself that we just aren't financially ready to handle such a responsibility.

But then it hits me. We weren't financially ready or able to move. But God provided. Big time. He blew my mind in that whole situation. Still has. Still does. Everyday. By me saying that we can't have kids right now because we don't have a lot of money, isn't that me doubting His provision? Think about it. Don't even get me started on the issue of BC. (Hey, it's MY blog. I'm just thinking out loud here.) I struggle with that a lot. Am I trying to take control of something that I should just give to God and trust His timing for? Aren't we called to trust God in all things? Is this me taking a step too far, trying to keep my hands clutched on MY schedule and MY time?

Then there's these stupid dreams. Like Saturday night's for example. (And I feel really dumb for even laying this out for you people to read, but I've simply got to "say" it somewhere.) All I remember about it is seeing this young child...only the back of her...but I knew she was mine. I loved her. A lot. It was really nothing but a bunch of sequences of her clinging to Brian and him holding on to her. I told Brian about it, and I think he thought I was nuts. I may be. I probably am. But I cannot get the vision of her out of my head. I woke up that morning longing to hold her...someone who doesn't even exist! I just wanted to scoop her up and never let her go. How is it possible to be so in love with someone who has yet to make their debut in this world?

....Do you see how nuts this is making me! One minute, I'm perfectly content with being able to go and do and be spontaneous without the hassle of caring for anyone else but myself and Brian. Then the next, my mind is set on motherhood. I know. I'm young. I'm very young by comparison to many moms.

My heart is torn with so many emotions, though. It's weird. And it's driving me insane!

I think maybe I need a few days in a padded cell and under some serious psychiatric evaluation! Ha! Oh well. Call me crazy, but I know I'm not the only one in this world who fights these mixed emotions. To those of you who aren't married or are newly married and think I'm nuts - you may be right. But just wait. One day, you just might understand me.

Alright. I'll end it here. Promise. Remember, I'm not seriously considering anything. In fact, this has really helped just to sit here and write it all out. Isn't that what blogging is for? Reflection?

Thanks for reading. :)

Just great.

It's Monday and I feel fairly certain that I'm sick with what may very well be flu-like symptoms. I hope more than anything that I'm wrong. My insurance at work has yet to kick in, so I'm not really feeling a pay-out-of-my-pocket visit to the doctor.

Also, this morning as I was getting ready for work and realizing how miserable I felt, it finally dawned on me that the age of irresponsibility is over. I wanted so badly to climb back in bed and spend the day whining in front of the tv with a glass of sprite and a breakfast burrito - just like the college days....

Although I hate being sick, being sick in college was something I kind of came to enjoy. I stayed in my cozy little dorm all day and my roommate was exceptional at taking care of me. The tv never went off and I dozed in and out of consciousness all day long - waking up only long enough to eat or take meds. Sure, I felt miserable. But honestly, being sick is sometimes a great excuse to be lazy and just give in. It didn't matter what class I had when I felt ill in college - I would take days off without a care in the world and all the episodes of Golden Girls I could muster....

Now here I am in 2010. Out of college, married, and actually having a career working 40 hours a week. I realized this morning as I fought back whiny "I don't feel good" tears that I can't just play dead anymore. I'm responsible to be at work. No work = no pay. No more transitioning from bed naps to couch naps to bed naps all day again. No breakfast burritos and Golden Girls. Just the ill-satisfying "comfort" of a space heater and work assignments to fight off the miserable state I'm in.

I tell our youth all the time to "STAY IN COLLEGE AS LONG AS YOU CAN." Sometimes it's more of a joke, but as the days wear on I realize how good I had it in college.

So, yes children, go to college. Change you major 57 times. If you graduate, get another bachelors degree -- not a master's, because Masters students are expected to gain experience through some sort of job. Mooch off of your parents, if they'll have you. Go to Taco Bell at 2 am and stuff your face and skip your 8:00 class the next morning. If you get the sniffles, skip class again. Take it easy and enjoy the ride because before you know it -- you're sitting in an office, running low-grade fevers, staring at your computer screen asking how the heck you got there.