Would have beens...

A few days ago, I posted a status about my biological clock ticking. Geez louise, I never thought I'd receive so much flack for a silly thought. Originally, when I posted it, my intentions were as they usually always are when I post a facebook status: get a laugh. Comments I received both online and in person from various people though encouraged my own mind to take it a bit further and (admittedly) get a little more irritated than I should have.

LAURA LEIGH: "If you hear some racket, I apologize. My biological clock is ticking louder than a jet plane"

RESPONSES: "You're just a baby yourself." "Oh my gosh. You're so dramatic." ...And my personal favorite that is becoming almost an everyday response: "You guys should seriously be grateful you have time alone."

I'm trying not write about this topic anymore. I really am. I promise. I know everyone is sick of it. But today... I have thoughts I just have to release somewhere.

Was I primarily attempting to be funny? Yes. I enjoy making others laugh. Was there truth behind it? ABSOLUTELY.

I know it's not anyone's job to carry my burden and remember my heartaches. But the thought never leaves ME each day as to how far along I would have been by now.

This week I would have been just right at halfway through my pregnancy. I'd be looking for my feet, indulging myself with more sweets and donuts than most normal people because I could, picking out furniture and baby clothes - (pink or blue? I like to think blue) - and probably driving Brian up the wall with my horribly crazy emotions (then again, I probably AM doing that now).

In December, we'll be going to Disneyworld with Brian's family for Christmas. And while I am so excited I can barely hold my bladder thinking about it sometimes, I know that at some point during the trip, I'll probably have to find a corner to lose it in. I won't be able to shake the inevitable thought (hopefully quick and fleeting) that I would have been holding a baby in my arms, had things worked out. I wouldn't have even been able to BE at Disneyworld. Don't get me wrong (especially family that may stumble upon this), I'll be totally stoked to be hanging with Mickey. My point is that, even in the midst of extreme happy moments, your mind just can't forget.

My heart still beats for a child I'll never get to hold - not on this side of heaven anyway. And while I may be young, that doesn't take away the fact that I still hurt for what isn't. I have made huge strides in this grieving process and I am nowhere near the basket case I was 4 months ago. But I still hurt.

I wish sometimes that I could just forget - not only forget it happened, but forget it existed. The rest of the people in my world have moved on, not insensitively so. It's just like all things with life - we sympathize with people, but we have our own worries and struggles. I'm sure I've forgotten about the struggles of my friends and family frequently, but not willingly. I get it.

I just wish people would quit with the comments. "You're young....You guys are so lucky to have time alone together... YOU'RE TOO DRAMATIC."

At the mere age of 24, I never expected to get pregnant. But I did. And now, at the mere age of 24, I grieve the loss of my child. THAT is what baffles me. To be so young and hurt like this - an issue I never even expected to BE an issue.

I can't simply forget. If you've read any of my latest posts, you'll see that I have issues with that. Obviously. I know some people are way past this "Laura Leigh and miscarriage" thing. Please hear me, I do. I want to write about stupid simple things, but this place has become the place where I can just vomit my feelings and leave feeling better.

So understand, I'm not trying to be dramatic. I AM grateful for the time that Brian and I have together, just the two of us. I'm young (and plan to be for a while!).

But behind the silly antics, when the excitement dies down and I'm alone to my thoughts, I'm reminded of what's happened. I remember joyfully. I remember painfully.

And at the end of it all, I'm just glad that I remember.

A gift?

For those of you who took the time to read my latest posts that are SUPER wordy: a gift (?) for you --- thanks to photobooth

Stuck

...That's how I've felt lately. Stuck.

You know, I've got friends all over the world (literally) who are busy achieving great things and reaching goals and dreaming wild things each day. My social media feeds are clogged with those dearest to me who have finally got that job they wanted or moved into that house they've been eyeing and having that baby and becoming that person they've wanted to be for a lifetime.

And here I am. Stuck.

Don't get me wrong. I know behind the facade of Facebook, each of these people have their own struggles. I know life isn't as perfect as the news feed would have me to believe. But, the enemy is pretty good at remembering comparison is my biggest weakness.

After my stint in marketing - my first job in which I learned that I hated marketing and the corporate world - I shifted my career path into education. For a while, it seemed to be going well. And then, as it always happens, a storm came. Changes had to be made. And as always, the storm sucked at first. But then, things cleared up and settled down. Life got a bit easier and the direction got a little clearer. I wasn't in a high school classroom anymore, and that was okay by me. I was surrounded by amazing women everyday who encouraged me and really took the time to invest in a young girl - something that every teacher on my hall at ?HS had never done or cared to do. So, I spent a year teaching preschool. It was way more challenging than I could have imagined, but I made it.

I suppose though, that's where the comparison initially began. My heart was in Theatre and I (me, me, me) wanted to be teaching theatre and sharing what truly is a passion for me. Plus, a few snarky comments from friends about how I didn't have a "real job" kinda stung and motivated me to find another place - a place where people would appreciate me and find value in me.

So, I got back on the high school train. I applied and applied and applied and applied. Aaaaaaaand, here I am. To date, not one phone call or email from any interested party. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm looking for a teaching position in the most tense school district in the nation at this point in time. I can't go into those details, or I'd be here all night. But if you're interested, just google "Shelby County TN School Merger" and then have your mind blown at the nonsense. Yeah, hiring isn't really on everyone's minds at this point. Lucky me.

Anyway, I knew my fallback would be the preschool should no one hire me. I was honest with my boss and let her know what was up. She's a pretty great woman and promised to hold a spot for me, knowing that would be a risk for her as a school could hire me at any point.

Long story short, it's pretty apparent I'll be back at the preschool again. Only this time, I'll be with a younger age. In comes the ol' comparison monster again. I have friends getting hired to teach and do what they love. My best friend is moving to AFRICA and teaching/being a missionary. How could what I do (or will be doing) be of any importance compared to THAT? How will others find any value in what I do? How can I? Here I am, almost done with my masters and this is it? That's all?

I've been offered jobs everywhere else - everywhere else that I'm not. I could pack up tomorrow and have a job teaching exactly what I want to teach exactly where I want to teach it. Brian and I both could leave and just pick up anywhere. Unfortunately, there is this thing called grad school nailing both our feet to the ground. And a youth group that, although at times drives us to our wits end, needs its leader. I just want people to know that I AM valuable and wanted in other places. We both are. But, we're stuck, for lack of better terms.

I am such a selfishly minded person. I get that.

The bottom line? God's doing a BIG work in my life. He's teaching me a lot about patience (see previous posts, HA), timing (again, previous posts) and most importantly -- He's teaching me about humility.

To begin with, who is to say that what I do isn't important? Did you know that a large base of our parents who have enrolled their children at our preschool are unchurched? That some don't even believe in a God at all? I bet if you think about it, those of you who went to church a time or two can remember a song or story that your teacher taught you as a small child. Memories have a way of sticking around, don't they?

You know, the problem is I feel like I have to convince people around me that what I do is in important. But really, I have to convince myself.

To those of you in my life who are reading this, know that I count my blessings. I do know how blessed I am to be in a church that meets our needs. I know I'm lucky to have a group of teenagers who teach me more each day than I could ever teach them. I'm so blessed to live in this great apartment furnished with all our "stuff" that we don't really need. I totally understand I'm blessed where I am. I just have to admit I'm human and I struggle with feeling like I'm missing out on something. Don't we all?

No matter where I (you) am in life, God's got a purpose for it. It may not be everything I wish it would be. But who's to say He isn't trying to teach me something for the road ahead? Who's to say I'm not making an unseen impact - that maybe the fruits will never be evident to my eyes, but still come to be because of my willingness to just BE wherever He says to be. Perhaps I need to learn to shut up and think less about how my life appears to others and pay more attention to making the most of whatever time I have left on this earth and making a difference.

Thanks for letting me spew a bit. I love how therapeutic writing can be. This post began as a means for me to prove myself to others and ended up proving a lot more to me. Sneaky irony.

Reaching

Last week, for the first time ever, Brian and I both were able to go on an extended trip with our youth. In the past, he or I have either been busy with work or classes and would have to draw straws on who would go while we the other stayed behind to tend to business. This year, we both finally had clear schedules and were able to trot off into the extreme heat with 15 youth, our fearless bus driver Ed, and my awesome mom, who volunteered to be our extra chaperone.

 So, off we went to Grand Isle, Louisiana as we partnered with our "home church" - Southside Baptist. I don't exactly know what I expected to come from this trip. I think I built it up to be this time that would cement leadership abilities. I was just certain that my heart was ready to do some ministry, but honestly? God did a lot more work on my heart that I thought I even needed. I wasn't quite as prepared and "seasoned" as I expected.

I started the week off in a pretty crappy state, emotionally speaking. Lately, and for some unknown reason, I have been super sensitive to this baby/pregnancy/miscarriage thing. I mean cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-whoa-mama-hide-ya-kids-that's-scary type of sensitivity. I realized early on in the trip that Satan was trying to kick me at my lowest. He knows my weak spot. He knew I was eager to see great things accomplished. He knew how to make me the "dead leg". And for a few days, as I hate to admit, it worked. I sat on the beach during our morning devotion asking God all the typical "why" questions, even though I got my answer months ago when I wrote my first blog post about it happening. I knew God was God and that He does as He wills, but I went right back to the "why me?" phase. It didn't help that we had originally talked about telling the kids I was pregnant while we were on the trip. So there we were, with no news to share, and I decided to play the party pooper card. Way to go, LL.

I remember specifically one morning on the beach, as I looked out into the endless horizon, praying fervently for God to give me a baby. (I was at that crazy lady desperation stage, I admit it.) "God, I want this more than anything."

....and almost as if He was sitting right next to me, I heard this response: "You want this more than me, don't you?" Bam. Slapped in the face by the palm of His words. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Here I sat, as a chaperone/minister's wife who had been preaching the entire trip thus far about the importance of God being your hearts desire. Here I sat, hypocritically desiring something else.

In Ephesians 2, Paul writes about the grace of God: the grace that He has bestowed upon us because of His great love. In the first few verses, he talks about how we are not only made alive with Christ because of this love and grace, but that we are seated with Him in the heavenly realms. Seated with Him? As in, being right next to the only One who is literally able to fill any void, calm any fear, ease any heartache, and hear the desires of our heart? Yeah. That's the guy.

Imagine with me, if you will, Laura Leigh sitting in that seat up in the heavenlies, next to our Christ. There on one side of me, I have the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. There next to me is my Redeemer, Jehovah Jireh, my provider, the Holy One of Israel, my Savior. RIGHT THERE WITH ME. ...But what is Laura Leigh doing? She's so preoccupied with having something ELSE. Instead of clinging to my Everything, I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, grasping for something that isn't there, thinking THAT will be the ultimate satisfaction. Do you see the disconnect here?

 I remind myself so much of the person in Derek Webb's song, Wedding Dress. Take a look at these lyrics:
 If you could love me as a wife 
 and for my wedding gift, your life 
 Should that be all I’d ever need or is there more I’m looking for 


 and should I read between the lines 
 and look for blessings in disguise 
 To make me handsome, rich, and wise 
 Is that really what you want 


 I am a whore I do confess 
 But I put you on just like a wedding dress 
 and I run down the aisle 
 and I run down the aisle 
 I’m a prodigal with no way home 
 but I put you on just like a ring of gold 
 and I run down the aisle to you 


So could you love this bastard child 
Though I don’t trust you to provide 
With one hand in a pot of gold 
 and with the other in your side 


 I am so easily satisfied 
 by the call of lovers so less wild 
 That I would take a little cash
 Over your very flesh and blood 


 Because money cannot buy a husband’s jealous eye 
 When you have knowingly deceived his wife 


I realized it at that moment on the beach, just like I'm realizing it more and more each day that while I know God is in control, I'm still begging Him to give me a child because I think that's what will make me happy. Oh, how wrong I am. 


I'm looking for satisfaction elsewhere, when I've been given everything I need and it's sitting right next to me. I am seated with my Everything in the heavens and HE is the only One that can bring me unspeakable joy. I've got a lot to learn. I can't say that I'm not struggling. I am. Every day. But I know that God is a jealous God, and He wants my attention. I know that I don't even want to mother a child until I learn to love God with every single last fiber of my being, because I want to teach my children how to love Him like that. My prayer has to be to develop a desire to know Him more and more each day. I pray that I do. 


Whatever it is you're leaning over in that seat for, just stop it. Stop reaching out looking for something or someone else to make you happy. It never will. Not for eternity, at least. One minute, you want one thing/person and the next, you're realizing it didn't do the trick. Stop putting your hand in the pot of gold and start relying on the only One who can give you the desires of your heart. He'll not only give you those desires, He'll change them to fit HIS will for your life. You want true joy? It's sitting right next to you, friend. 


Trust me. I've been leaning over far too long.

Why?

...because perhaps He holds you better than I ever could have.

Reflections.

Recently, Brian and I attended the high school graduation ceremony of quite a few of our youth. It was kind of an odd ordeal. See, graduation season always makes me so nostalgic and it usually lasts a while. My thoughts tend to focus on years past. Then, my dreams start to take a turn in that direction, too, and I am revisited by faces I haven't seen in quite some time.

I remember my high school graduation pretty vividly....

It was in our poorly fluorescent lit basketball gym. That place always smelled like rubber and sweat. It was incredibly hot in there, yet the speaker failed to cut us any slack as he droned on and on and on with his forgettable speech. For some reason, I decided to wear seafoam green eyeshadow that evening -- a decision I would regret years later upon looking at photographs of the occasion. We were all seated on stage facing the audience. All 31 of us. The largest graduating class in the history of our small school in the heart of Delta farmland. I remember being fairly shaky because I was sitting pretty close to the guy I crushed on all 4 years of high school, yet never had the guts to do anything about it. That was pretty much the sum of my social career in high school, but I suppose that is another post for another day.

I remember the height of the emotion from all of my classmates that evening, as we swore we'd always keep in touch and be present throughout each other's lives. I wasn't so convinced that would be the case in mine though. I was an outsider from day 1, having not grown up in the small town my school was located in. While I have great memories with girls and guys I went to school with, graduation was the last night I ever saw my classmates simply because I had no roots in that place to keep me coming back. I suppose that's why, to this day, I don't understand the tears from kids at graduation who seem to be sad about leaving their friends. I never saw mine again - save the virtual photos that cross my facebook newsfeed every once in a while.

I, just like every one of my classmates I'm sure, felt like a star that night. I felt like I had taken over the world and that I was headed for success and victories unknown, yet sure to be mind-blowing and off-the-charts. The world was literally sitting on my fingertips.

Fast forward a few years, and I'm at Mississippi College taking part in every activity I could possibly squeeze into my calendar. I played a lot and studied too little. I spent late nights acting a fool with my roommate - times that culminated into me developing the greatest (and at times most frustrating) friendship I've ever known. I invested time in a social tribe that may have brought me lots of fun memories, but proved to me that "sisterhood" doesn't always mean lasting friendships, and that's okay. I spent hours upon hours goofing off in the theatre department, developing friendships with the most talented group of people I've ever known and being mentored by the greatest minds I've ever had the privilege of learning from. In my late college career, I spent afternoons on the porch at Cups, having imaginary conversations with an acquaintance who also grew to be one of my greatest -- albeit, neurotic at times -- and best friends that I cherish.

Marriage. Graduation. (Yes, in that order. Sue me.) Moving. First job. Moving again. Second job. Losing a job. Losing a child.

....Nostalgia.

Life just keeps going at 100 miles a minute. And after all this time, I'm still searching for my place in this world. I'm still trying to figure out where I belong best and who I'm becoming and if I'm ever going to accomplish those life goals I once laid out on the life map in my mind.

Some days bring immense joy as I lay in bed at night and reflect on how blessed I am. Others bring heartache and sorrow as I ache for those I've lost and opportunities I yearned for and never got the chance to see come to life. Some days, I worry for the heart of my friend who is hurting after losing her future - what she thought was to be a sure thing.

....Some nights, I just sit and silence - in awe of the place I'm at and the God who has brought me through it all - in one piece, and stronger than ever before.

There have been moments in my life where I've thought "this is it. This is when it all turns around and I'm catapulted into something fantastic." And then.... letdowns, heartaches, confusion, and journeys back to square one.

If I could tell any graduating senior anything, it would be this: Life is never going to go as you expect it. You'll fall down more times than you care to count. Your heart will be bent in ways you never thought possible. But with each fall comes the opportunity to get back up. And though you might bend, you'll never break. And one day, you'll be looking back on all these times as a 20-something who is still confused as to what direction your life is headed. And everything - every smile, every good memory, every heartache, and every tear - will be a beautiful picture of the person you're becoming. Regret nothing.

...And if you have the courage to do so, make sure each note in the symphony of your life resoundingly moves and steers others towards the God of this universe. While you may not know what lies ahead in your life, He does.

After all, He wrote it.

beauty from pain.

Tonight, I am simply in awe of the way God moves and works and loves and comforts. Tonight, my friends, I am simply in awe of God.

This week - I can't even describe it. My gosh, the emotions I've experienced.... It was nothing for me to go from somber to silly or depressed to delighted in a matter of minutes. Just as I stated in my last post, I never once doubted God's sovereignty. But I had a hard time categorizing this thing that was happening...is happening to me. Needless to say, I had to thumb through a lot of thoughts and figure out where I was going to go from all of this.

Luckily for me, I've had some incredible people so far who've helped me get over the initial shock and pain of all of this. My parents have been a source of absolute strength for me, having gone through this a few times before they ever held my older brother in their arms. I'll never forget the way they both ran to my side the day we found out. They carried me home and loved me in a way I don't think I've ever experienced from them. It was precious. Even the way my brother stepped up to the plate to comfort me has been an incredible experience.

And Brian.... Wow. I'm not even entirely sure I can type this paragraph without losing the composure I do have left. The times we have shared through this are ones that I KNOW will be the foundation of strength, courage, and hope we will need in the future. There's something so absolutely beautiful in sharing tears of sorrow with your soul mate or just simply being still together. I've never doubted it a day since we married, but I am even more certain now that I was blessed beyond measure when God gave me Brian.

But through all of this, one thing constantly comes to mind - the intense love I've felt radiating from my heart for my Father. In my head, I keep asking myself why I'm not angry - why am I not ready to just let God have it for allowing this to happen? And I suppose I wouldn't be completely insane for doing so. That would just make me human. But, I can't. I absolutely cannot be mad at God for all of this.

What if God's purpose in all of this was to remind me how badly I need Him and how much He loves me? What if life's pains and heartaches are really times when God is softly beckoning us to His arms?

There's no better place than that, I can tell you for sure.

Life goes on. But I can tell you one thing, I am not the same. I am not the same not solely for the fact that I've experienced grief in such a personal and deep way. No, my friend. I am not the same because I have experienced the Healer in a way I have never known. I will never, in my life, be able to look back on this time and not remember the way He has so clearly spoken to me.

God has called me not simply to trust in Him during times of trouble, but to chase after Him with reckless abandon because He is good, He is gracious, and He is GOD. I cannot be silent any longer about my Savior. I cannot hold back for fear of offending someone. I pray that God reminds me of this heartache I've endured and am enduring every single day for the rest of my life just so that I may remember this insanely REAL comfort and care He's provided me. In all of this, it's only proven to me that He truly is alive and living.

I'm in awe of God tonight - a God that would use heartache to bring healing. A God that DESIRES me so much that He would allow me to endure such things to seek Him and FIND Him waiting, singing over me. What a beautiful love. What a beautiful Savior. What a glorious God.

"The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing."

-Zephaniah 3:17