Reaching

Last week, for the first time ever, Brian and I both were able to go on an extended trip with our youth. In the past, he or I have either been busy with work or classes and would have to draw straws on who would go while we the other stayed behind to tend to business. This year, we both finally had clear schedules and were able to trot off into the extreme heat with 15 youth, our fearless bus driver Ed, and my awesome mom, who volunteered to be our extra chaperone.

 So, off we went to Grand Isle, Louisiana as we partnered with our "home church" - Southside Baptist. I don't exactly know what I expected to come from this trip. I think I built it up to be this time that would cement leadership abilities. I was just certain that my heart was ready to do some ministry, but honestly? God did a lot more work on my heart that I thought I even needed. I wasn't quite as prepared and "seasoned" as I expected.

I started the week off in a pretty crappy state, emotionally speaking. Lately, and for some unknown reason, I have been super sensitive to this baby/pregnancy/miscarriage thing. I mean cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-whoa-mama-hide-ya-kids-that's-scary type of sensitivity. I realized early on in the trip that Satan was trying to kick me at my lowest. He knows my weak spot. He knew I was eager to see great things accomplished. He knew how to make me the "dead leg". And for a few days, as I hate to admit, it worked. I sat on the beach during our morning devotion asking God all the typical "why" questions, even though I got my answer months ago when I wrote my first blog post about it happening. I knew God was God and that He does as He wills, but I went right back to the "why me?" phase. It didn't help that we had originally talked about telling the kids I was pregnant while we were on the trip. So there we were, with no news to share, and I decided to play the party pooper card. Way to go, LL.

I remember specifically one morning on the beach, as I looked out into the endless horizon, praying fervently for God to give me a baby. (I was at that crazy lady desperation stage, I admit it.) "God, I want this more than anything."

....and almost as if He was sitting right next to me, I heard this response: "You want this more than me, don't you?" Bam. Slapped in the face by the palm of His words. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Here I sat, as a chaperone/minister's wife who had been preaching the entire trip thus far about the importance of God being your hearts desire. Here I sat, hypocritically desiring something else.

In Ephesians 2, Paul writes about the grace of God: the grace that He has bestowed upon us because of His great love. In the first few verses, he talks about how we are not only made alive with Christ because of this love and grace, but that we are seated with Him in the heavenly realms. Seated with Him? As in, being right next to the only One who is literally able to fill any void, calm any fear, ease any heartache, and hear the desires of our heart? Yeah. That's the guy.

Imagine with me, if you will, Laura Leigh sitting in that seat up in the heavenlies, next to our Christ. There on one side of me, I have the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. There next to me is my Redeemer, Jehovah Jireh, my provider, the Holy One of Israel, my Savior. RIGHT THERE WITH ME. ...But what is Laura Leigh doing? She's so preoccupied with having something ELSE. Instead of clinging to my Everything, I'm sitting on the edge of my seat, grasping for something that isn't there, thinking THAT will be the ultimate satisfaction. Do you see the disconnect here?

 I remind myself so much of the person in Derek Webb's song, Wedding Dress. Take a look at these lyrics:
 If you could love me as a wife 
 and for my wedding gift, your life 
 Should that be all I’d ever need or is there more I’m looking for 


 and should I read between the lines 
 and look for blessings in disguise 
 To make me handsome, rich, and wise 
 Is that really what you want 


 I am a whore I do confess 
 But I put you on just like a wedding dress 
 and I run down the aisle 
 and I run down the aisle 
 I’m a prodigal with no way home 
 but I put you on just like a ring of gold 
 and I run down the aisle to you 


So could you love this bastard child 
Though I don’t trust you to provide 
With one hand in a pot of gold 
 and with the other in your side 


 I am so easily satisfied 
 by the call of lovers so less wild 
 That I would take a little cash
 Over your very flesh and blood 


 Because money cannot buy a husband’s jealous eye 
 When you have knowingly deceived his wife 


I realized it at that moment on the beach, just like I'm realizing it more and more each day that while I know God is in control, I'm still begging Him to give me a child because I think that's what will make me happy. Oh, how wrong I am. 


I'm looking for satisfaction elsewhere, when I've been given everything I need and it's sitting right next to me. I am seated with my Everything in the heavens and HE is the only One that can bring me unspeakable joy. I've got a lot to learn. I can't say that I'm not struggling. I am. Every day. But I know that God is a jealous God, and He wants my attention. I know that I don't even want to mother a child until I learn to love God with every single last fiber of my being, because I want to teach my children how to love Him like that. My prayer has to be to develop a desire to know Him more and more each day. I pray that I do. 


Whatever it is you're leaning over in that seat for, just stop it. Stop reaching out looking for something or someone else to make you happy. It never will. Not for eternity, at least. One minute, you want one thing/person and the next, you're realizing it didn't do the trick. Stop putting your hand in the pot of gold and start relying on the only One who can give you the desires of your heart. He'll not only give you those desires, He'll change them to fit HIS will for your life. You want true joy? It's sitting right next to you, friend. 


Trust me. I've been leaning over far too long.

Why?

...because perhaps He holds you better than I ever could have.

Reflections.

Recently, Brian and I attended the high school graduation ceremony of quite a few of our youth. It was kind of an odd ordeal. See, graduation season always makes me so nostalgic and it usually lasts a while. My thoughts tend to focus on years past. Then, my dreams start to take a turn in that direction, too, and I am revisited by faces I haven't seen in quite some time.

I remember my high school graduation pretty vividly....

It was in our poorly fluorescent lit basketball gym. That place always smelled like rubber and sweat. It was incredibly hot in there, yet the speaker failed to cut us any slack as he droned on and on and on with his forgettable speech. For some reason, I decided to wear seafoam green eyeshadow that evening -- a decision I would regret years later upon looking at photographs of the occasion. We were all seated on stage facing the audience. All 31 of us. The largest graduating class in the history of our small school in the heart of Delta farmland. I remember being fairly shaky because I was sitting pretty close to the guy I crushed on all 4 years of high school, yet never had the guts to do anything about it. That was pretty much the sum of my social career in high school, but I suppose that is another post for another day.

I remember the height of the emotion from all of my classmates that evening, as we swore we'd always keep in touch and be present throughout each other's lives. I wasn't so convinced that would be the case in mine though. I was an outsider from day 1, having not grown up in the small town my school was located in. While I have great memories with girls and guys I went to school with, graduation was the last night I ever saw my classmates simply because I had no roots in that place to keep me coming back. I suppose that's why, to this day, I don't understand the tears from kids at graduation who seem to be sad about leaving their friends. I never saw mine again - save the virtual photos that cross my facebook newsfeed every once in a while.

I, just like every one of my classmates I'm sure, felt like a star that night. I felt like I had taken over the world and that I was headed for success and victories unknown, yet sure to be mind-blowing and off-the-charts. The world was literally sitting on my fingertips.

Fast forward a few years, and I'm at Mississippi College taking part in every activity I could possibly squeeze into my calendar. I played a lot and studied too little. I spent late nights acting a fool with my roommate - times that culminated into me developing the greatest (and at times most frustrating) friendship I've ever known. I invested time in a social tribe that may have brought me lots of fun memories, but proved to me that "sisterhood" doesn't always mean lasting friendships, and that's okay. I spent hours upon hours goofing off in the theatre department, developing friendships with the most talented group of people I've ever known and being mentored by the greatest minds I've ever had the privilege of learning from. In my late college career, I spent afternoons on the porch at Cups, having imaginary conversations with an acquaintance who also grew to be one of my greatest -- albeit, neurotic at times -- and best friends that I cherish.

Marriage. Graduation. (Yes, in that order. Sue me.) Moving. First job. Moving again. Second job. Losing a job. Losing a child.

....Nostalgia.

Life just keeps going at 100 miles a minute. And after all this time, I'm still searching for my place in this world. I'm still trying to figure out where I belong best and who I'm becoming and if I'm ever going to accomplish those life goals I once laid out on the life map in my mind.

Some days bring immense joy as I lay in bed at night and reflect on how blessed I am. Others bring heartache and sorrow as I ache for those I've lost and opportunities I yearned for and never got the chance to see come to life. Some days, I worry for the heart of my friend who is hurting after losing her future - what she thought was to be a sure thing.

....Some nights, I just sit and silence - in awe of the place I'm at and the God who has brought me through it all - in one piece, and stronger than ever before.

There have been moments in my life where I've thought "this is it. This is when it all turns around and I'm catapulted into something fantastic." And then.... letdowns, heartaches, confusion, and journeys back to square one.

If I could tell any graduating senior anything, it would be this: Life is never going to go as you expect it. You'll fall down more times than you care to count. Your heart will be bent in ways you never thought possible. But with each fall comes the opportunity to get back up. And though you might bend, you'll never break. And one day, you'll be looking back on all these times as a 20-something who is still confused as to what direction your life is headed. And everything - every smile, every good memory, every heartache, and every tear - will be a beautiful picture of the person you're becoming. Regret nothing.

...And if you have the courage to do so, make sure each note in the symphony of your life resoundingly moves and steers others towards the God of this universe. While you may not know what lies ahead in your life, He does.

After all, He wrote it.

beauty from pain.

Tonight, I am simply in awe of the way God moves and works and loves and comforts. Tonight, my friends, I am simply in awe of God.

This week - I can't even describe it. My gosh, the emotions I've experienced.... It was nothing for me to go from somber to silly or depressed to delighted in a matter of minutes. Just as I stated in my last post, I never once doubted God's sovereignty. But I had a hard time categorizing this thing that was happening...is happening to me. Needless to say, I had to thumb through a lot of thoughts and figure out where I was going to go from all of this.

Luckily for me, I've had some incredible people so far who've helped me get over the initial shock and pain of all of this. My parents have been a source of absolute strength for me, having gone through this a few times before they ever held my older brother in their arms. I'll never forget the way they both ran to my side the day we found out. They carried me home and loved me in a way I don't think I've ever experienced from them. It was precious. Even the way my brother stepped up to the plate to comfort me has been an incredible experience.

And Brian.... Wow. I'm not even entirely sure I can type this paragraph without losing the composure I do have left. The times we have shared through this are ones that I KNOW will be the foundation of strength, courage, and hope we will need in the future. There's something so absolutely beautiful in sharing tears of sorrow with your soul mate or just simply being still together. I've never doubted it a day since we married, but I am even more certain now that I was blessed beyond measure when God gave me Brian.

But through all of this, one thing constantly comes to mind - the intense love I've felt radiating from my heart for my Father. In my head, I keep asking myself why I'm not angry - why am I not ready to just let God have it for allowing this to happen? And I suppose I wouldn't be completely insane for doing so. That would just make me human. But, I can't. I absolutely cannot be mad at God for all of this.

What if God's purpose in all of this was to remind me how badly I need Him and how much He loves me? What if life's pains and heartaches are really times when God is softly beckoning us to His arms?

There's no better place than that, I can tell you for sure.

Life goes on. But I can tell you one thing, I am not the same. I am not the same not solely for the fact that I've experienced grief in such a personal and deep way. No, my friend. I am not the same because I have experienced the Healer in a way I have never known. I will never, in my life, be able to look back on this time and not remember the way He has so clearly spoken to me.

God has called me not simply to trust in Him during times of trouble, but to chase after Him with reckless abandon because He is good, He is gracious, and He is GOD. I cannot be silent any longer about my Savior. I cannot hold back for fear of offending someone. I pray that God reminds me of this heartache I've endured and am enduring every single day for the rest of my life just so that I may remember this insanely REAL comfort and care He's provided me. In all of this, it's only proven to me that He truly is alive and living.

I'm in awe of God tonight - a God that would use heartache to bring healing. A God that DESIRES me so much that He would allow me to endure such things to seek Him and FIND Him waiting, singing over me. What a beautiful love. What a beautiful Savior. What a glorious God.

"The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing."

-Zephaniah 3:17

Bring the rain.

The past few weeks have been the greatest, most joyful, and most heartbreaking days of my life thus far.

You see, Brian and I have been sitting on the biggest secret. A few weeks ago, out of the blue and to our extreme surprise, we found out we were expecting a baby. I think I went through every emotion possible. I cried, I laughed, I worried, I giggled....I praised God. What an immense blessing this little baby was sure to be - something we both had prayed for, for quite some time. We shared only with our family for the time being, being quite cautious as we knew the first trimester was a tricky time during pregnancy and that anything could happen.

I wish that I could say we were spared from the scares of early pregnancy. From day 1, our journey was laden with trips to the ER and multiple doctor visits during the week to monitor some concerns we were having. From day 1, I began the bargaining process with God. My morning routes to work turned into begging sessions -- "God, please, don't take this from me. Not this. Anything but this."

I don't think it was coincidence that I finally finished Crazy Love by Francis Chan but a few days before I found out I was pregnant. I read something in that book that resonated so deeply within me that it became a pivotal turning point in how I would later view what God was doing in all of this. Forgive me for not having the exact quote, but in a portion of this book, Chan talks about prayer and how Christians are so quick to pray for safety and protection. He argues instead that we should pray for God to allow in our lives whatever will bring Him the most glory - no matter how tough that is .

So, after I realized how incredibly selfish and insane bargaining with God was, I remembered Chan's words and my prayers began to change. I began to pray that God would use this whole thing for His glory - no matter what it cost me.

I wish I could tell you that God saw fit for me to carry my baby to full term. But for whatever reason, He didn't.

I wish I could tell you that I completely understand and I am totally okay with this, but naturally, I don't and I'm not.

What I can tell you though, is that God is good. All the time. NO MATTER WHAT.

It has only been a mere 24 hours since I found out for certain that I was miscarrying. I think though, that in my mind I knew for the past few days. Some might see this post as a little too much information, a bit uncomfortable, and some might be confused as to why I would choose to share all this when I never even got the opportunity to share the news of our pregnancy. The reason I choose to tell you this now is because I prayed for God to get the glory in all of this and I want to see to it that He does. How can you know how wonderful God has been to me if I don't share what He's doing in my life? Also, I just had an overwhelming desire for SOMEONE to know that our little one lived - if only for a short time.

You see, God gave me the most precious gift. Even though I won't have the opportunity to hold this baby in my arms and see it grow up and do all the things sweet children do, I am so thankful for the short time I had to taste - even if only just a little bit - what it's like to love a child. Science tells me that what I had was simply defective tissue that never met its full potential. What I'm telling you is that I had life inside of me - a life that I gave to God before I had the chance to see it fully lived. I was a mother for a microsecond, it seems, and I am okay with that.

I am okay with that because never in all of my life have I ever felt God so near and so present. Sure, I've cried. I've cried hard and screamed and asked why. But even when I felt like pointing my finger towards the heavens, I just felt the Lord reassuring me with His word. The Lord truly is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). I've read that verse a thousand times before but never really understood it until now.

So there it is. I'm not sharing this to evoke pity or sadness from any of you. I felt so burdened to share what God is doing in my life because I want the world to know that I am so thankful and blessed and humbled and awed to serve a God who has plans for a hope and future for me. Oh, how painful this has been. How incredibly painful it is to lose a child - even if it was early on, that's what it was. My baby. But how wonderful it is to know that the Savior is holding me and using this to further His kingdom somehow. That's why I'm sharing this. Because God is good. And He can take YOUR heartache and your tears and turn them into unspeakable joy. He loves you. He desires for you to know Him and to know that He is all-sufficient, all-powerful, all-loving, and incredibly good. I pray somehow that my story is a reminder of this or a testimony to someone.

So God, do whatever it is you have to do to make your name known. If it takes a thousand more heartaches and a million more tears, I am willing to endure that if it brings you glory.




I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

- Mercy Me, Bring the rain

Meatloaf Memories.

Tonight, I set out to make something I rarely ever do: meatloaf. Yuck.

I say yuck not because I don't like meatloaf, but because I don't like making meatloaf. I hate having to touch raw meat with my hands (second only to touching mayonnaise -- disgusting). I started the whole process and as I got to molding the disgusting pile of hopefully soon-to-be-not-so-disgusting dinner, I remembered a key ingredient that I didn't have -- brown sugar.

Southern ladies know you can't very well make a meatloaf without brown sugar. You have to have that sweetness come in somehow and nothing does it like brown sugar. Well, once I realized I didn't have any in the pantry, I dang near wanted to kick the stove and make turkey sandwiches instead. I am not one to half-butt a meal. If I don't think it's going to turn out just so, I'll change my entire game plan. My reputation in the kitchen that I have with my husband is pretty important to me and there is nothing I hate more than when a meal bites.

Just as I was beginning the draft of what could take the place of the surely to fail meatloaf, I remembered an old trick my mama used to do when she would make meatloaf. She had her fallback method, one that I will not share because you might not ever eat my meatloaf if you knew, and I am fairly sure my husband will read this at some point and I have a strict "Don't ask, don't tell" policy with him when it comes to how I cook. Picky little thing, he is.

Anyway, this old trick came screeching into the forefront of my mind at lightning speed and VOILA, just like that - an old memory saved the day.

It got me thinking about how much I have learned from my mom, even when I didn't realize I was learning from her. It got me thinking about my mama altogether.

I am my mother made over and I realize this more and more every single day. I'll say something or do something so quirky that I instantly recognize a bit of herself in me. Used to, I'd roll my eyes and laugh it off, but more and more I find myself truly pleased that I am becoming my mother.

My mother is fantastic. She is funny, bright, contagiously energetic, and a very quirky. I've never known anyone who didn't like her -- and I've known a lot of cranky people. When I was in high school, all my friends and others in my youth group would gladly and willingly come hang out at our house just to see what antics she'd put us up to (ask me about the time she almost got me arrested for driving without a license while she shot fireworks out the window). She's always been the type of person that people truly enjoy being around and I've always loved that about her.

And.... I don't know, I guess something as simple as meatloaf can remind you sometimes of how lucky your life can be when you have people as exceptionally wonderful as my mom around.

I can only hope that perhaps 30 years down the road when my daughter is making dinner, some trick or tip she caught from me brings me to the forefront of her mind and she'll know how very much I love and adore her. Just as much as my Mama loves me.

____________________________________________________________

....And Dad, you'll have your due post some day soon. ;)

2011. In review.

At the end of every year, I try to write/blog about the events and happenings that took place in my life. I always look forward to reflecting on the good, bad, and everything in between. Each year is an opportunity to see how I've grown and changed throughout the year's journey. This time is no different, for this past year was quite a ride.

Overall, I think the resounding theme for this year was faith. That, or trust. Maybe both.

This was the year that I quit the first job I had after undergrad to embark on my journey into education. It was a fantastic decision, but one that came with a lot of heartache as well. My first days in the classroom were completely chaotic, stressful, annoying, overwhelming ... and so much fun. I met so many fantastic students that never failed to make my day -- even when they were being a tad bit mischievous. As a person, they made me feel young and exciting and appreciated. As an educator, I learned that I had a very long way to go if I ever planned to be any good at this teaching thing. It's not as easy as the books make it seem. There are a lot of things I did wrong and probably a lot of times that I bluffed my way through a lesson and I'm sure students knew it. It wasn't easy coming into a (what should have been called interim) position in the middle of the year with no curriculum beforehand (or after for that matter). As a first year teacher, I was told to scrounge the internet for material to teach. Seriously -- that's your tax dollars hard at work, y'all. But I digress. -- SO I know I wasn't the greatest teacher in that school. I am well aware of it. But boy did I have a lot of fun fumbling my way through that learning process.

Unfortunately, my time at BHS was short-lived. Although my principal at the time refused to grow a pair and be honest about the funds for arts, I suspected that I would not be back the next semester to teach Theatre as she had led me to believe in my interview. I learned that I was just a replacement until the end of the school year. I was extremely bitter when this realization hit me. I had moved my entire life to some small, lame town to invest in a school that couldn't hire me back. This was a major blow - emotionally and financially.

There were so many days that Brian and I would nearly pass out from the stress that hung over our heads as we tried to decide what our next move was. I spent most days in tears, clueless as to what I would possibly do for a job. But even on my worst days, I had an assurance in the back of my mind. It was almost as if I could picture God quietly shaking His head in disappointment at my lack of faith. I knew He had something up His sleeve, even though I fought Him most of the time. As always, I wanted things my way on my time. Over the course of the summer though, He brought a passage and song to my life that have (since then) shaped my entire outlook on His faithfulness:

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Matthew 10:29-31

Also, it was during this time that every where I turned, Take Heart by Hillsong United was playing. And I've always thought that when things like this are happening, there's a reason and I should be paying attention. In this case, the lyrics were absolutely the message I needed to be hearing at this time:

There is a light

It burns brighter than the sun

He steals the night

and casts no shadow

There is hope

Should oceans rise and mountains fall

He never fails

So take heart

let His love lead us through the night

Hold on to hope

And take courage again

These two small, simple messages may have seemed silly to some. But I knew that God had overcome any trial I had to face already and that trusting Him wasn't the best option, it was my ONLY option. There came a moment this summer, when I had the opportunity to speak to a small crowd about facing adversity that I finally let go of my worries. I finally decided to invest in the power of Christ.

Thank God that He doesn't work according to my will and desires. Instead, He showed Himself to us in a very real and personal way as He met every single need - and provided me with a fantastic job (teaching!) that I fall more in love with every day. God is big and mighty. Those are such simple adjectives for such an indescribable God, but it's very true nonetheless.

I know 2012 is going to be a year full of many emotions. I look forward to the exciting, sweet, memorable moments to share with friends and family. I'm bracing myself for the turmoil and heartache that I know are inevitable. I'm preparing to trust Him in every moment, no matter the circumstance, remembering all that He has done and all that He promises He will do.

God our refuge, God our strength, God is with us.... He has overcome.

I don't know where You're taking me, but I'm ready for the ride.