A realization:

The past few months have been a little difficult, considering stresses with school and things among our church. I've had a lot of meltdowns. I've also had a lot of good days. But mostly, I've been left with confusion and a cloudy view of what's next in life.

Basically, I believe that I've finally come to that place in life when I'm trying to figure out who I am and what I'm meant to be doing. I have a lot of identities in my marriage and family ties, but I've yet to figure out where exactly I fit as an individual. What am I supposed to be doing with myself? Because some days, I look around and truly feel as though the majority of the things I'm involved in are solely to fill time/pay bills.

Today is just a weird day. I'm trying to figure out who I am. I thought I knew, but I'm learning that there's a little more to me than I was aware of, emotionally.

I sure hope Brian survives this mess ;) I know I probably have driven him crazier than he ever deserved over the last few months.

Perhaps there's an answer or contentment ahead. Maybe it's just today. Maybe it's just me.

whine, whine, whine.

I need to do just that for a second.

I really am not handling my new schedule very well. I have never been the most organized person in the world. The past few weeks, my schedule has changed a good bit and now the organization is even worse and I feel like I'm steady tumbling down the hill of chaos.

I work full-time.
I go to school two nights a week, 4 1/2 hours each class.
I somehow ended up leading worship at church. Seriously. A paid position.
Then there's homework.
Oh yeah, I'm still married.
I have a load of laundry that is growing at a Mt. Everest rate.
I decided I could take on a role for a Christmas program while directing it as well.


You see, in the back of my mind, I know that EVERYONE is busy times infinity. That's just life for most of us these days. The problem is that I simply do not know how to mentally compartmentalize what is most important on my to-do list so other things suffer. Like most of my apartment right now.

I also cannot handle staying up past 10:30 (which is why I better wrap this up pretty quickly) because I have some sort of unusual and freakish mental quirks in which I will nearly have a breakdown if I don't get at least 7 hours of sleep. 7 hours of sleep allows me to solely function. That's it.

I have this irritating anxiety about being in class by myself. And by "by myself" I mean without any familiar faces. I had a friend in class with me, but she dropped it (smart gal).

I feel like I'm going to lose my 4.0 because of all of this STUFF that I just don't know how to mentally and physically organize. And honestly, that totally would not be the end of the world because all I should really care about is just FINISHING the dang program with my masters, right? But at this point, I am kind of ready to quit, even though I know that doing so would just mean I'd be working less-than-desirable (for me) jobs for the duration of my career, whatever that may be.

Do you see what I'm doing? Letting petty things stress me to the point of stupidity? I see it, too. The problem is, I just can't stop myself from doing it.

Sigh.

The good news is that Christmas break is steadily approaching. Even if I fail miserably, a break is indeed on the way.

Ah. Optimism?

I guess I just need to remember that we are ALL stressed to the max on most days. I just have to remember I am not alone in battling things of life. That's just the way it has to be sometimes.

Wanted:

Home organizer.

Must be willing to dish a little of your own $ for getting task done.

Decorating experience and willingness to spend own $ again a plus.

Payment: cookies. Maybe pudding. And being my friend.

All interested parties, leave comment.


...but seriously.

Releasing thoughts.

I've never been a creature of habit. That's why this blog just simply isn't updated as much as I ideally want it to be. I'll look at the blogger tab on the toolbar and consider writing a post but then decide against it.

I guess I'm trying to figure out why I do this. Why do I blog? There are times when I have things I want to say, but then I'll toss the potential entry aside for one of two reasons:

A) No one really reads them, which makes it semi-useless. I'm not having a pity party here. It's just the truth. I don't see how anything I have to say could be important because no one reads it. I don't really even advertise that I have a blog. I'm not sure why. I don't even think my mother has found this blog...and if you know me, you know how monumental that is. I think I'm afraid of what people's reactions will be to my personal beliefs. I especially get uncomfortable when I imagine how people will react to me lamenting over the fact that I'm having issues getting pregnant and how that turns into a fear of never being a mother.

Then there's B): I fear that those who read it will judge me. Mostly on the baby thing, because I'll be honest, that's a serious issue for me right now. I want to blog about it. I want to be able to have some therapeutic outlook on the situation. But I fear that people will make statements about my age or lot in life or what have you. I fear that if I write a post about God that someone will take it as me being "overly-Godly", which I have been accused of lately. But that's another post for another day. ("For I am not ashamed of the gospel...) :)

Honestly, this was supposed to be a post about not posting. (What a mouthful.) But I need to vent. I need to use this for what I think it's intended purpose was. I'm discovering that at this moment. It's for me. It's to put my thoughts out there, because I know sometimes people get tired of my whining. This is a safe place to do that, if I must. If anyone reads it, they chose to use their time to do so. I didn't force them.

Do you know how difficult it is to be truly happy when another friend announces her pregnancy? Can I just say how hard it is to teach precious little 3 year olds when I have this aching desire to be a mother to my own? It's even harder when you have those one or two who are more attached to you than the rest of the kiddos and just want to sit in your lap and talk to you, face-to-face, really close or just lay their head on your shoulder? I love those moments, but it always reminds me that it's just superficial. I am not their mother. They don't love me like they do their mother, and I don't love them like their mother does. It makes me wonder if I'll ever have the opportunity to love like that.

Honestly, I get that at my age I have plenty of time. I do. I have a life to live. I have things to accomplish (hopefully not another degree -- I'm already broke from the master's I'm working on).

I suppose my job just makes the getting over it and chilling out process a little harder. And the worries and concerns I have over the health issues that are proving to be a deterrent in ever having one eat at my brain.

I would love to just chill out and say "if it happens/when it happens, it will". But I can't. I know Brian is about ready to just shoot me. I know he wants to have children too, but as you can imagine, he's much more relaxed about it. I know I have to stop talking to him about it. I guess?

I know this is unusual for a woman my age to even really consider. But I think I made it clear in an earlier post that I don't nor have I ever done anything according to status quo. Ever. I've always been ahead of the game. And I know that a mother is something I want to be -- even after years of swearing against it. (I guess the right man can change that for you!) :)

I'm just venting. And this feels good. It really does. No pressure to write a post about something insanely deep and profound. Just a way for me to share my frustrations, upsets, and maybe even sometimes the good news. :)

To those few friends who do sometimes mull over my posts -- thanks for reading this. I'm not crazy. Just coping with desires and timing -- and ultimately, being grateful for each moment and not overlooking today in anticipation of things that haven't even come to fruition yet.

Today's lesson learned: Don't anticipate the life of tomorrow; participate in life today.

total abandonment.

O rise, great God, at last

Ere reason's from us cast

And revolution's blast

Blacken our name.

- Oswald Chambers

I've come to a point in my life where I realize that I am absolutely nothing.

On my own, I can do no good thing. I can do nothing worth any praise. I am useless, pointless, vain, ugly, deceitful, and so much worse -- on my own.

The beautiful realization has suddenly come upon me over the past month or so, despite years of it being preached from pulpits in Sunday services I've attended, that Christ in me is powerful. Christ is worthy of every ounce of energy and every bit of praise from man I could ever obtain. I've truly understood that I am to live in total abandonment to Christ, to make His name great.

I once had a hard time understanding a woman I went to church with. She was, what I called at the time, a "holy roller". For everything, she had a "Jesus-y" response. Honestly, it drove me nuts. When I mentioned movies or books that were even just barely borderline "bad", she would point out that they were things that a Christian really should boast about reading/watching/seeing/etc. It drove me nuts. It made me mad. The way she raised her kids confused me. She wouldn't let them watch certain things or go to certain places. There were times that I thought she was a little too crazy for Jesus.

The Lord can be comical.

That woman began pouring into me. She loved on me. I knew if I needed prayer - she was going to approach the throne boldly on my behalf. My heart began softening to her. I looked forward to seeing her. She had such joy. Over time, I began to see that the reason her "holy roller" ways bothered me so much was because I was simply not living the life of holiness that a Christian is called to live - whether we can accept that or not. My fleshly desires contradicted the biblical morals and lessons she was teaching me. She eventually became the woman that I called and still call my spiritual mentor. Although she is now miles away from me, I know that when I need prayer I can call on her. When I need Godly wisdom, she delivers. I hope to be the kind of woman, wife, and mother she is someday.

You see, people who know her KNOW that she is a Christian. Even those who have only a vague idea of who Jesus is can associate her with Him. THAT'S what it means to make His name great -- to live in such a way, that when you encounter others, they automatically leave with a sense of knowing Him even just a little bit more. I WANT THAT.

I've been learning a lot about holiness the past few weeks. It's been a really difficult lesson, because there are things in my life that I know have fallen so short of the standard of holiness I'm called to have in my life. I told Brian a few weeks ago that I truly feel that the Lord wants to use me for something GREAT in my lifetime. Maybe not great according to the world's standards, but great according to His. Even typing that, I am absolutely assured that He does. I know it. I can feel it. But I've also come to realize that I will never be able to be used for greatness for God until I passionately pursue holy living.  And I will forever be grateful to this woman for teaching me such a valuable lesson and for living in such a way that has pointed me towards and led me closer to Jesus.

I have got to rid myself of the things in my life that aren't complementary to His Word and His commands. The church today preaches that we are "free from the law." Essentially, we've used that as our excuse to dabble in things that we really have no place being around or tolerating. "Be IN the world, not of the world." -- Let us not forget, brothers and sisters, to not be OF the world. To live in that manner is going to get you a lot of dirty looks, a lot of rolled eyes, and - more than likely - a lot less friends than you came into that lifestyle with. People will say all sorts of things about you. You're going to be an outcast. But so be it. Remember:

If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. - John 15:18-20

At the end of this lifetime, we will all stand before the throne of God and give an account for our lives. As a child of God, I don't want to say that I lived a mediocre, safe, cowardly life as a Sunday pew-sitting "Christian". I want to fall at His feet with no ounce of energy left and be able to say "I gave EVERYTHING I had for You, Lord."

I want to leave this earth knowing that I made His name great. - And that HE received all the glory.

Raw and real.

Life according to the world:

College. Career. Marriage. Travel. Buy house. Expand career. Make money. Travel more. Buy another impressive toy. And just before your ovaries go kaput, have a kid. But not until then.

I don't really care what the world has to say. I haven't really followed it's idea thus far. Married at 21. Living simply -- and happily at that. Working just to pay bills and instead of glamorous trips and big, shiny toys, I've been enjoying things like family, sunshine, cups of coffee and laughter. And now, I can honestly say that I am eager for the kids part to come along.

Oh, I know. I know I have so much life left to live (that's what we all hope, right?). I know that I could go and do and achieve and see before I "should" have to worry about a child. I know that. But that's not what I want. It honestly isn't.

I wrote a blog post a few months about how my desires completely changed over the past few years regarding goals for my life. Honestly, I remember offending a friend a few years ago when I made the statement that I wanted more for my life than to be toting around a kid or two in a mini-van, sitting at soccer games and dance recitals. I couldn't understand why, at that point, she was looking forward to something that shouldn't be taking place in her life until well into her mid 30s or 40s (in my opinion). And now, here I sit...mind changed and desires shifted.

But perhaps I really have this desire because at the moment...that just isn't possible. Long story short, a few weeks ago at a regular check-up, I learned some things about my health that may very well be a deterrent in us having children. I didn't think too much about it at the time, but within the past few weeks, it has been gnawing away at my brain. Right now, since I've changed jobs, I have no insurance. I'm trying to rectify this situation at the moment, if possible, but it's not exactly easy financially or strategically (work doesn't offer it...and well, private plans are soooo expensive!!). Anyway, no insurance means no further looking into the situation which will keep kids from being in the picture for the time being.

Now, I know the Lord works in mysterious ways. And there is a possibility that the insurance issue may be resolved in the near future.

But until then, I find myself eyeing mothers in our church with their babies on Sunday morning. I constantly look at pictures of friend's babies. Worst of all, I find it hard to be truly happy for friends when they announce they're expecting. There's a tinge of jealousy. I guess I'll be really honest at this point and say that I had to excuse myself to the ladies room to stop tears yesterday at church when someone asked me why in the world I didn't have kids yet.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this except to say: there's a deep desire within me to be a mother. Not necessarily to a house full of kids. But I know I long for that day. I don't care what the world says I should do first or how long we should be married or how much money I should or shouldn't be making.

The calling on my life is to be a wife to Brian -- the best wife I possibly can be because he deserves it. And after that, I KNOW that I want to and was made to be a mom. If I never see another stage or leading role, if I never make an excessively impressive salary, if I never see but only the parts of the world I've already seen because of the sacrifice it takes to be one, SO WHAT.

This world has NOTHING for me.

Two. [2]

It's 9:55 AM. Two years ago on this date and at this time, I was in the car with my bridesmaids on the way to the church to get my hair done, slip (squeeze) into the dress I had waited months to wear, and wait anxiously marry the boy that when I met a year and a half earlier, never expected to fall in love with.

I have so many precious memories from that day: surrounded by friends, crying when I hugged my Mom and Dad, my best friend Lindsay holding my dress while I was on the toilet (true friend), and skipping down the aisle after we said "I do."

But none of those memories can compare to the two years since. Every day has been an adventure. There have been moments of sheer bliss, times I thought we'd pull each other's hair out, insane fits of laughter, and sometimes comfortable moments of silence in which neither one of us has to say anything.

No matter the moment, I've never forgotten how blessed I am to be married to THIS guy.

So yep. I'm a pretty happy girl. And I've got some celebrating to do - in true Brian and Laura Leigh fashion. Don't be surprised if I tell you that Taco Bell was involved. We don't act fancy for fancy's sake. We act like us - and that's why every day continues to be genuine and adventurous.

Happy August 8, everyone.