Bring the rain.

The past few weeks have been the greatest, most joyful, and most heartbreaking days of my life thus far.

You see, Brian and I have been sitting on the biggest secret. A few weeks ago, out of the blue and to our extreme surprise, we found out we were expecting a baby. I think I went through every emotion possible. I cried, I laughed, I worried, I giggled....I praised God. What an immense blessing this little baby was sure to be - something we both had prayed for, for quite some time. We shared only with our family for the time being, being quite cautious as we knew the first trimester was a tricky time during pregnancy and that anything could happen.

I wish that I could say we were spared from the scares of early pregnancy. From day 1, our journey was laden with trips to the ER and multiple doctor visits during the week to monitor some concerns we were having. From day 1, I began the bargaining process with God. My morning routes to work turned into begging sessions -- "God, please, don't take this from me. Not this. Anything but this."

I don't think it was coincidence that I finally finished Crazy Love by Francis Chan but a few days before I found out I was pregnant. I read something in that book that resonated so deeply within me that it became a pivotal turning point in how I would later view what God was doing in all of this. Forgive me for not having the exact quote, but in a portion of this book, Chan talks about prayer and how Christians are so quick to pray for safety and protection. He argues instead that we should pray for God to allow in our lives whatever will bring Him the most glory - no matter how tough that is .

So, after I realized how incredibly selfish and insane bargaining with God was, I remembered Chan's words and my prayers began to change. I began to pray that God would use this whole thing for His glory - no matter what it cost me.

I wish I could tell you that God saw fit for me to carry my baby to full term. But for whatever reason, He didn't.

I wish I could tell you that I completely understand and I am totally okay with this, but naturally, I don't and I'm not.

What I can tell you though, is that God is good. All the time. NO MATTER WHAT.

It has only been a mere 24 hours since I found out for certain that I was miscarrying. I think though, that in my mind I knew for the past few days. Some might see this post as a little too much information, a bit uncomfortable, and some might be confused as to why I would choose to share all this when I never even got the opportunity to share the news of our pregnancy. The reason I choose to tell you this now is because I prayed for God to get the glory in all of this and I want to see to it that He does. How can you know how wonderful God has been to me if I don't share what He's doing in my life? Also, I just had an overwhelming desire for SOMEONE to know that our little one lived - if only for a short time.

You see, God gave me the most precious gift. Even though I won't have the opportunity to hold this baby in my arms and see it grow up and do all the things sweet children do, I am so thankful for the short time I had to taste - even if only just a little bit - what it's like to love a child. Science tells me that what I had was simply defective tissue that never met its full potential. What I'm telling you is that I had life inside of me - a life that I gave to God before I had the chance to see it fully lived. I was a mother for a microsecond, it seems, and I am okay with that.

I am okay with that because never in all of my life have I ever felt God so near and so present. Sure, I've cried. I've cried hard and screamed and asked why. But even when I felt like pointing my finger towards the heavens, I just felt the Lord reassuring me with His word. The Lord truly is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). I've read that verse a thousand times before but never really understood it until now.

So there it is. I'm not sharing this to evoke pity or sadness from any of you. I felt so burdened to share what God is doing in my life because I want the world to know that I am so thankful and blessed and humbled and awed to serve a God who has plans for a hope and future for me. Oh, how painful this has been. How incredibly painful it is to lose a child - even if it was early on, that's what it was. My baby. But how wonderful it is to know that the Savior is holding me and using this to further His kingdom somehow. That's why I'm sharing this. Because God is good. And He can take YOUR heartache and your tears and turn them into unspeakable joy. He loves you. He desires for you to know Him and to know that He is all-sufficient, all-powerful, all-loving, and incredibly good. I pray somehow that my story is a reminder of this or a testimony to someone.

So God, do whatever it is you have to do to make your name known. If it takes a thousand more heartaches and a million more tears, I am willing to endure that if it brings you glory.




I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

- Mercy Me, Bring the rain

Meatloaf Memories.

Tonight, I set out to make something I rarely ever do: meatloaf. Yuck.

I say yuck not because I don't like meatloaf, but because I don't like making meatloaf. I hate having to touch raw meat with my hands (second only to touching mayonnaise -- disgusting). I started the whole process and as I got to molding the disgusting pile of hopefully soon-to-be-not-so-disgusting dinner, I remembered a key ingredient that I didn't have -- brown sugar.

Southern ladies know you can't very well make a meatloaf without brown sugar. You have to have that sweetness come in somehow and nothing does it like brown sugar. Well, once I realized I didn't have any in the pantry, I dang near wanted to kick the stove and make turkey sandwiches instead. I am not one to half-butt a meal. If I don't think it's going to turn out just so, I'll change my entire game plan. My reputation in the kitchen that I have with my husband is pretty important to me and there is nothing I hate more than when a meal bites.

Just as I was beginning the draft of what could take the place of the surely to fail meatloaf, I remembered an old trick my mama used to do when she would make meatloaf. She had her fallback method, one that I will not share because you might not ever eat my meatloaf if you knew, and I am fairly sure my husband will read this at some point and I have a strict "Don't ask, don't tell" policy with him when it comes to how I cook. Picky little thing, he is.

Anyway, this old trick came screeching into the forefront of my mind at lightning speed and VOILA, just like that - an old memory saved the day.

It got me thinking about how much I have learned from my mom, even when I didn't realize I was learning from her. It got me thinking about my mama altogether.

I am my mother made over and I realize this more and more every single day. I'll say something or do something so quirky that I instantly recognize a bit of herself in me. Used to, I'd roll my eyes and laugh it off, but more and more I find myself truly pleased that I am becoming my mother.

My mother is fantastic. She is funny, bright, contagiously energetic, and a very quirky. I've never known anyone who didn't like her -- and I've known a lot of cranky people. When I was in high school, all my friends and others in my youth group would gladly and willingly come hang out at our house just to see what antics she'd put us up to (ask me about the time she almost got me arrested for driving without a license while she shot fireworks out the window). She's always been the type of person that people truly enjoy being around and I've always loved that about her.

And.... I don't know, I guess something as simple as meatloaf can remind you sometimes of how lucky your life can be when you have people as exceptionally wonderful as my mom around.

I can only hope that perhaps 30 years down the road when my daughter is making dinner, some trick or tip she caught from me brings me to the forefront of her mind and she'll know how very much I love and adore her. Just as much as my Mama loves me.

____________________________________________________________

....And Dad, you'll have your due post some day soon. ;)

2011. In review.

At the end of every year, I try to write/blog about the events and happenings that took place in my life. I always look forward to reflecting on the good, bad, and everything in between. Each year is an opportunity to see how I've grown and changed throughout the year's journey. This time is no different, for this past year was quite a ride.

Overall, I think the resounding theme for this year was faith. That, or trust. Maybe both.

This was the year that I quit the first job I had after undergrad to embark on my journey into education. It was a fantastic decision, but one that came with a lot of heartache as well. My first days in the classroom were completely chaotic, stressful, annoying, overwhelming ... and so much fun. I met so many fantastic students that never failed to make my day -- even when they were being a tad bit mischievous. As a person, they made me feel young and exciting and appreciated. As an educator, I learned that I had a very long way to go if I ever planned to be any good at this teaching thing. It's not as easy as the books make it seem. There are a lot of things I did wrong and probably a lot of times that I bluffed my way through a lesson and I'm sure students knew it. It wasn't easy coming into a (what should have been called interim) position in the middle of the year with no curriculum beforehand (or after for that matter). As a first year teacher, I was told to scrounge the internet for material to teach. Seriously -- that's your tax dollars hard at work, y'all. But I digress. -- SO I know I wasn't the greatest teacher in that school. I am well aware of it. But boy did I have a lot of fun fumbling my way through that learning process.

Unfortunately, my time at BHS was short-lived. Although my principal at the time refused to grow a pair and be honest about the funds for arts, I suspected that I would not be back the next semester to teach Theatre as she had led me to believe in my interview. I learned that I was just a replacement until the end of the school year. I was extremely bitter when this realization hit me. I had moved my entire life to some small, lame town to invest in a school that couldn't hire me back. This was a major blow - emotionally and financially.

There were so many days that Brian and I would nearly pass out from the stress that hung over our heads as we tried to decide what our next move was. I spent most days in tears, clueless as to what I would possibly do for a job. But even on my worst days, I had an assurance in the back of my mind. It was almost as if I could picture God quietly shaking His head in disappointment at my lack of faith. I knew He had something up His sleeve, even though I fought Him most of the time. As always, I wanted things my way on my time. Over the course of the summer though, He brought a passage and song to my life that have (since then) shaped my entire outlook on His faithfulness:

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Matthew 10:29-31

Also, it was during this time that every where I turned, Take Heart by Hillsong United was playing. And I've always thought that when things like this are happening, there's a reason and I should be paying attention. In this case, the lyrics were absolutely the message I needed to be hearing at this time:

There is a light

It burns brighter than the sun

He steals the night

and casts no shadow

There is hope

Should oceans rise and mountains fall

He never fails

So take heart

let His love lead us through the night

Hold on to hope

And take courage again

These two small, simple messages may have seemed silly to some. But I knew that God had overcome any trial I had to face already and that trusting Him wasn't the best option, it was my ONLY option. There came a moment this summer, when I had the opportunity to speak to a small crowd about facing adversity that I finally let go of my worries. I finally decided to invest in the power of Christ.

Thank God that He doesn't work according to my will and desires. Instead, He showed Himself to us in a very real and personal way as He met every single need - and provided me with a fantastic job (teaching!) that I fall more in love with every day. God is big and mighty. Those are such simple adjectives for such an indescribable God, but it's very true nonetheless.

I know 2012 is going to be a year full of many emotions. I look forward to the exciting, sweet, memorable moments to share with friends and family. I'm bracing myself for the turmoil and heartache that I know are inevitable. I'm preparing to trust Him in every moment, no matter the circumstance, remembering all that He has done and all that He promises He will do.

God our refuge, God our strength, God is with us.... He has overcome.

I don't know where You're taking me, but I'm ready for the ride.

A realization:

The past few months have been a little difficult, considering stresses with school and things among our church. I've had a lot of meltdowns. I've also had a lot of good days. But mostly, I've been left with confusion and a cloudy view of what's next in life.

Basically, I believe that I've finally come to that place in life when I'm trying to figure out who I am and what I'm meant to be doing. I have a lot of identities in my marriage and family ties, but I've yet to figure out where exactly I fit as an individual. What am I supposed to be doing with myself? Because some days, I look around and truly feel as though the majority of the things I'm involved in are solely to fill time/pay bills.

Today is just a weird day. I'm trying to figure out who I am. I thought I knew, but I'm learning that there's a little more to me than I was aware of, emotionally.

I sure hope Brian survives this mess ;) I know I probably have driven him crazier than he ever deserved over the last few months.

Perhaps there's an answer or contentment ahead. Maybe it's just today. Maybe it's just me.

whine, whine, whine.

I need to do just that for a second.

I really am not handling my new schedule very well. I have never been the most organized person in the world. The past few weeks, my schedule has changed a good bit and now the organization is even worse and I feel like I'm steady tumbling down the hill of chaos.

I work full-time.
I go to school two nights a week, 4 1/2 hours each class.
I somehow ended up leading worship at church. Seriously. A paid position.
Then there's homework.
Oh yeah, I'm still married.
I have a load of laundry that is growing at a Mt. Everest rate.
I decided I could take on a role for a Christmas program while directing it as well.


You see, in the back of my mind, I know that EVERYONE is busy times infinity. That's just life for most of us these days. The problem is that I simply do not know how to mentally compartmentalize what is most important on my to-do list so other things suffer. Like most of my apartment right now.

I also cannot handle staying up past 10:30 (which is why I better wrap this up pretty quickly) because I have some sort of unusual and freakish mental quirks in which I will nearly have a breakdown if I don't get at least 7 hours of sleep. 7 hours of sleep allows me to solely function. That's it.

I have this irritating anxiety about being in class by myself. And by "by myself" I mean without any familiar faces. I had a friend in class with me, but she dropped it (smart gal).

I feel like I'm going to lose my 4.0 because of all of this STUFF that I just don't know how to mentally and physically organize. And honestly, that totally would not be the end of the world because all I should really care about is just FINISHING the dang program with my masters, right? But at this point, I am kind of ready to quit, even though I know that doing so would just mean I'd be working less-than-desirable (for me) jobs for the duration of my career, whatever that may be.

Do you see what I'm doing? Letting petty things stress me to the point of stupidity? I see it, too. The problem is, I just can't stop myself from doing it.

Sigh.

The good news is that Christmas break is steadily approaching. Even if I fail miserably, a break is indeed on the way.

Ah. Optimism?

I guess I just need to remember that we are ALL stressed to the max on most days. I just have to remember I am not alone in battling things of life. That's just the way it has to be sometimes.

Wanted:

Home organizer.

Must be willing to dish a little of your own $ for getting task done.

Decorating experience and willingness to spend own $ again a plus.

Payment: cookies. Maybe pudding. And being my friend.

All interested parties, leave comment.


...but seriously.

Releasing thoughts.

I've never been a creature of habit. That's why this blog just simply isn't updated as much as I ideally want it to be. I'll look at the blogger tab on the toolbar and consider writing a post but then decide against it.

I guess I'm trying to figure out why I do this. Why do I blog? There are times when I have things I want to say, but then I'll toss the potential entry aside for one of two reasons:

A) No one really reads them, which makes it semi-useless. I'm not having a pity party here. It's just the truth. I don't see how anything I have to say could be important because no one reads it. I don't really even advertise that I have a blog. I'm not sure why. I don't even think my mother has found this blog...and if you know me, you know how monumental that is. I think I'm afraid of what people's reactions will be to my personal beliefs. I especially get uncomfortable when I imagine how people will react to me lamenting over the fact that I'm having issues getting pregnant and how that turns into a fear of never being a mother.

Then there's B): I fear that those who read it will judge me. Mostly on the baby thing, because I'll be honest, that's a serious issue for me right now. I want to blog about it. I want to be able to have some therapeutic outlook on the situation. But I fear that people will make statements about my age or lot in life or what have you. I fear that if I write a post about God that someone will take it as me being "overly-Godly", which I have been accused of lately. But that's another post for another day. ("For I am not ashamed of the gospel...) :)

Honestly, this was supposed to be a post about not posting. (What a mouthful.) But I need to vent. I need to use this for what I think it's intended purpose was. I'm discovering that at this moment. It's for me. It's to put my thoughts out there, because I know sometimes people get tired of my whining. This is a safe place to do that, if I must. If anyone reads it, they chose to use their time to do so. I didn't force them.

Do you know how difficult it is to be truly happy when another friend announces her pregnancy? Can I just say how hard it is to teach precious little 3 year olds when I have this aching desire to be a mother to my own? It's even harder when you have those one or two who are more attached to you than the rest of the kiddos and just want to sit in your lap and talk to you, face-to-face, really close or just lay their head on your shoulder? I love those moments, but it always reminds me that it's just superficial. I am not their mother. They don't love me like they do their mother, and I don't love them like their mother does. It makes me wonder if I'll ever have the opportunity to love like that.

Honestly, I get that at my age I have plenty of time. I do. I have a life to live. I have things to accomplish (hopefully not another degree -- I'm already broke from the master's I'm working on).

I suppose my job just makes the getting over it and chilling out process a little harder. And the worries and concerns I have over the health issues that are proving to be a deterrent in ever having one eat at my brain.

I would love to just chill out and say "if it happens/when it happens, it will". But I can't. I know Brian is about ready to just shoot me. I know he wants to have children too, but as you can imagine, he's much more relaxed about it. I know I have to stop talking to him about it. I guess?

I know this is unusual for a woman my age to even really consider. But I think I made it clear in an earlier post that I don't nor have I ever done anything according to status quo. Ever. I've always been ahead of the game. And I know that a mother is something I want to be -- even after years of swearing against it. (I guess the right man can change that for you!) :)

I'm just venting. And this feels good. It really does. No pressure to write a post about something insanely deep and profound. Just a way for me to share my frustrations, upsets, and maybe even sometimes the good news. :)

To those few friends who do sometimes mull over my posts -- thanks for reading this. I'm not crazy. Just coping with desires and timing -- and ultimately, being grateful for each moment and not overlooking today in anticipation of things that haven't even come to fruition yet.

Today's lesson learned: Don't anticipate the life of tomorrow; participate in life today.