How it happened.

No book or class could have ever prepared me for this. No dream could ever have come close to the real thing. It was nothing like I imagined. And it was everything I ever hoped it could be.

Jacob David Adams

May 8, 2013

3:36 PM

8 lbs, 6 oz

21.25 inches long

It all started Tuesday night - May 7. I had a doctor's appointment that afternoon - 2 days overdue and just checking on things before my scheduled induction the following Saturday morning. Brian and I ate Taco Bell for lunch that day and laughed at the prospect of that being our "last meal" so-to-speak. We also laughed about the implications that could have for the delivery table...(little did we know). We came home and walked our butts off - about 2 miles. Still no sign of Jacob.

About 7 PM that night, I started cramping (don't worry men, I'm not going to use a lot of ugly/gross terms - you may keep reading if you're scared). I didn't think a thing of it. Seriously. Not a thing. It wasn't until about 8:00 that I realized they were happening steadily and at a time-able pace. So, I pulled out a piece of paper and pen and very discreetly started writing down the times I was feeling these "pains". Pain is a relative word, I guess, because it was more discomfort than anything. I didn't tell Brian at first. I didn't want to get our hopes up, only to go to bed and wake up with no baby -- we had been down that road a few times the week prior. 

Eventually, I told Brian. He nodded calmly and continued watching tv - checking in every few minutes without hitting the panic button. I finally got the courage to tell my mom around 9:00. The text conversation went something like this:

Me: I think I'm having contractions. About 7 minutes apart.

Mom: I'M COMING NOW DON'T MOVE.

...Ok, maybe I exaggerated a bit. But seriously, Mom was ready to jump in the car. I told my mom that I wasn't really concerned because it didn't hurt. I was just uncomfortable. She called me immediately and asked me to describe what I was feeling. I did. Then she said it: "Baby, you're in labor."

Wuh-oh.

Simultaneously, Brian was on the phone with his mom. At this time, my "uncomfortable feelings" were about 5-7 minutes apart. Brian's mom said the same to him: "Brian, Laura Leigh is in labor."

Wuh-oh.

So. This was it. This was it? Was it? We both got dressed and stood around at the same time. In an excited/unbelieving daze, we made sure we grabbed whatever we needed that was not already packed: insurance card, phone chargers, iPad (entertainment!), and of course - makeup. A girl's gotta give birth appropriately.

We got to the hospital at 10:45, checked in, and waited. And waited. And waited. Oh, and waited. 

FINALLY, we got into an LDR (labor/delivery/recovery) room at midnight. I had the sweetest labor nurse, Mary, who got me hooked up to the monitors and got my IV port all settled in. She was fabulous. So sweet.. She left us for an hour and came back to check my progress.

"Well, your contractions are coming 2-3 minutes apart, but you haven't dilated any more. I have to call the doctor to see what she wants to do." ...We knew that meant we might be sent home. She saw the disappointment in our eyes.... "Don't worry. I'm a big patient advocate. You're not going anywhere."

Luckily for us, my doctor decided to keep me. This WAS it! Since I was contracting heavily, she decided to augment labor with pitocin. Mary assured me this was the best way to go. She asked if I wanted an epidural. Before she could even finish the sentence, I half-shouted "YES". By then, my contractions had reached the "unmistakably painful" level. 

Our parents and my brother got to the hospital around 3 AM. No one slept. Not me, not Brian... no one. The excitement was building!

At 4:30, the anesthesiologist came and gave me the epidural. I was terrified. But to be honest? I've endured worse pains with paper cuts. Once that sucker was put in, I was in HEAVEN. Didn't feel a thing. I was totally comfortable and ready to sleep until the big show started...Sleep never came. That will play a huge role in the pushing part of this story.

Fast-forward a few hours. At noon, I was at 9 cm. I was tired from being up all night and getting increasingly more frightened about the delivery. I hadn't eaten in hours and only had ice chips to comfort the extreme thirst I was experiencing. By that time, I was being a complete grouch but didn't have the nerve to ask my family to leave so I could rest. That changed, eventually. I asked everyone but Brian to go. We hugged goodbye, and I cried. What my family doesn't know is that I was only crying because I was so hungry and so tired. Fear had left my body and was being overtaken by exhaustion.

A few minutes before 1:00, my nurse and doctor waltzed in. They saw me crying and I brushed it off. They were totally encouraging and assured me this baby would be born by 2:15 at the latest. I was empowered then! "Only an hour and 15 minutes to go until I can have something to drink...er, meet my baby!" An hour and 15 minutes my tushie.

1:00: The first pushes happen.

...Now, tell me something: Why does Hollywood make this part out to be so terrifying? Because I'll be honest? Pushing felt SO GOOD. It was relieving, it was easy. Aside from feeling like I was going to give myself an aneurysm, I was feeling confident.

But something happened along the way. That exhaustion I had told you about? It kept getting worse with each push. I began to get lightheaded and incoherent. From that point on, mostly everything seems like a big blur.

I do remember hearing the nurses and doctor commenting on how Jacob was getting lower, but my body was fighting to stretch all the ligaments necessary to actually deliver. That's what took so long - encouraging my body to spit that sucker out! 

When I had to push, I pushed like a beast. But, in between contractions, I passed out. That's no lie. I literally passed out/slept hard for 2 minutes each time. I would wake up only to say "pressure", which signaled to my nurse and doctor that it was time to push. I would bear down for 45 seconds and pass out again. Time passed SO slowly. What seemed like hours to me was only about 5 minutes to everyone else.

Then...Jacob's heart rate declined. I scarcely remember anything from delivery but I do remember watching Dr. Pilgrim watch the monitor like a hawk. I looked at Brian and saw the concern in his face. My mind knew what was happening, but the seriousness of the situation failed to truly register with me. Immediately, my nurse placed an oxygen mask over my face and PRAISE JESUS (seriously), Jacob's heart rate picked back up.

Something about that oxygen gave me the strength to go into mega-mama mode. From the time they placed it on me, it took 4 contractions to get that baby out. To me, it felt like an hour -I was still in an incoherent daze. All I heard was "push, push, push, push...." I remember seeing two others come in the room with a large table of instruments and a gown for my doctor. 

I had no idea this meant that I was about to meet my son. I just laid there, half-passed out, and half-singing that song "Not For A Moment"  by Meredith Andrews and quoting Phil. 4:13 ( a bit out of context, but helpful for the moment). It's so funny that even in the state of delirium I was in, I felt God's presence - quietly calming me and giving me the strength to carry on physically and emotionally.

A few minutes later, I felt a few drops of what I thought to be water on my face. It wasn't water. It was Brian's tears as he watched Jacob take his first breath. I missed that part because I was completely focused on the sheer joy on my sweet husband's face as he saw his son for the first time and cried tears of joy. It was the most beautiful moment of my life thus far. A year ago, those were tears of sorrow and grief and at that moment, the Lord had brought us a gift of redemption and joy. 

I didn't cry like I thought I would. Mainly, I was overcome with relief - physically and emotionally. I no longer had to exert all my energy to get that baby out. And most importantly, the baby was out and was PERFECTLY HEALTHY. Thank you, Father. They placed Jacob on my chest so I could help clean him off and comfort him. It was a totally euphoric moment.

As the doctor worked to finish up with my body - and I won't go into the details, but I will say that birthing did some extremely heavy damage - I watched Brian as he watched the baby nurses weigh, measure, and monitor Jacob. That man smiled from wall-to-wall. Pride was dripping off his entire being. I, too, was enamored with Jacob but I was more elated watching Brian. As typical and as mushy as it sounds, I had never loved him more. 

Once the doctor and nurses finished (a whole 45 minutes later), we had Jacob all to ourselves. Lots of kisses, lots of hugs, lots of smiles. Anyone could say what they wanted, but we knew we had just witnessed the birth of the most beautiful, most perfect baby in the world. Seriously. Look at that face and tell me differently. :)

So after 3 hours of waiting anxiously, our family came back to meet the newest addition. I got my glass of water (HALLELUJAH CHORUS ENSUED), and everything just became another big blur.

A few days in the hospital and now we are home. Jacob is perfect. I mean it. SO. PERFECT. He only cries when he's half naked - diaper changes/bath time. Other than that, he eats like a champ and sleeps so soundly that these horror stories of "the newborn phase" seem silly to me. Yes, we are tired. Yes, I miss sleeping through the night (even though I haven't done that in months). Yes, all my clothes now smell like spit up and I've been peed on twice. But OH, is it worth it! I would give up every hour of sleep for the rest of my life for this beautiful, perfect gift! 

The Lord is so faithful. This is but one way in our lives He has shown Himself to be wholly good. From start to finish, He has had his hand on this pregnancy, on Jacob, on me, and on Brian. What a blessing the journey has been and will continue to be. This is a testament to the grace and provision of my Father. 

"For the LORD is good. His lovingkindness is everlasting and His faithfulness to all generations." Psalm 100:5

Wrapping it all up.

Well, I suppose since I haven't written a post in...forever...that I might as well jot a few thoughts down while I'm still pregnant.

Truth be told, I felt an urgency to do so. Tonight I am experiencing a myriad of feelings. I've tried describing it to a friend of mine as best as I know how but I cannot truly express what I'm feeling. As I told her, it's almost as if my spirit is eerily calm and reassuring me that my baby boy is coming fast and soon. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for a sign and all of a sudden, I have this peace that he is but a few short moments from my arms.

At the same time, I am so physically psyched that I can hardly stay still. We came in from dinner tonight and without even thinking about it, I just started cleaning every inch of our apartment. I scrubbed toilets, mirrors, and sinks. I emptied the dishwasher and put in a new load. I cleaned the counter tops. I threw out trash. I organized bottles and boxes of baby stuff that Jacob won't use immediately. I set out the coffee for my parents when they come to stay while we are in the hospital. I organized the pantry. I wiped down coffee tables. And... I THOUGHT ABOUT cleaning out the refrigerator, but figured I'd let Mom have a go at that when she comes to stay that first week. Some things are just a bit TOO much, ya know. :)

I don't know. Tonight I just feel...different. Maybe this doesn't mean he's coming within the next few hours (I WISH I WISH I WISH). But perhaps it means that I have finally accepted the fact that he's coming on his own time - and it will be the PERFECT time. I'm still believing God will deliver this child to us naturally, rather than by induction. But even if that isn't the case, I've got one week until this blessing - this instrument of God's redemption in grief - is HERE. In a matter of days, our lives will change for eternity. I am overwhelmed with excitement and shockingly peaceful about it all at the same time.

Thanks be to God for His good gifts.

This week, I learned...

...that I would have never survived the first trimester had I had morning sickness.

YES, I know thousands of women endure morning sickness like pros. YES, I know that you, little lurker, are probably one who has mastered the art of the daily HCG-induced upchuck. I don't need your championed stories or to look at your war medals. I get it. I'm just telling you...

I couldn't have done it. So this is a post to say how extremely grateful I am that my first and second trimesters were free of the "hoaky croaky."

After enduring 48 hours of the stomach virus this past week in which I witnessed myself become a geyser of epic proportions, I can fully say that I am a weenie. I am a sissy. I cried bawled my eyes out after every face-to-face encounter with the throne.

Brian had to endure this bug himself a few months ago and took it like a champ in comparison to my reactions. Whereas I couldn't even stand to be within ear-shot of him when he was vomiting, he took the role of caregiver to a whole new level as he stood over my shoulder, ready to clean up whatever mess was made in the process. He is superman, soon to be superDAD.

So I felt it absolutely necessary to thank God, my body, and baby Jacob for making this pregnancy a fairly easy one thus far. Had I been subjected to morning sickness, I am fairly sure I'd have no friends by now due to the incessant whining and never-ending "woe-is-me" stories that would inevitably have surfaced over and over and over...and over.

And as far as I'm concerned, I wouldn't wish the stomach bug on my worst enemy. Unless my worst enemy was Stephanie Meyer and whatever sad person wrote 50 Shades of Grey - because sometimes, you just gotta get real with punishment.

Not for a moment.

Sometimes it's really easy to get so caught up in day-to-day chaos that you forget how far the Lord has brought you. It's so easy to be so enthralled with the new gifts and things to come that you fail to truly realize that God has carried you out of something you never thought you'd escape.

2012 was the hardest year for Brian and me yet. In April, we lost a baby that we so greatly anticipated and rejoiced over. The weeks that followed after losing our precious child were filled with doctors visits and check-ups that served only as a sore reminder of what would never be - or what we thought would never be. The physical and health issues that arose from that situation within my body seemed to toy at my heart, assuring me I would never have the opportunity to carry a child.

Those were some long months. I never really realized the darkness that I was walking in. I never lost faith in God or His plans for us, but I longed for my child every day more than I was willing to admit. I begged and pleaded God to "fix it." Every day was a battle to convince myself that I was okay. The problem truly was that I had begun to meditate on my hurt rather than the Healer. I was so stubborn. And sometimes I still am.

Not only did we lose our first, but we endured some true hardships in ministry. Brick walls. Painful ones. It became so daunting and exhausting. The worst part was watching Brian struggle so. The hardest part was taking that step of faith when God released us of our burden. It was a relief to have time to breathe and seek Him again, but we took a hit financially. Immediately, we let the flesh overtake our worries: what now? How will we ____? Where do we go?  We knew God had led the way to where we were, but there were so many unanswered questions ahead of us. Most of the time, instead of just breathing and giving it all up in faith to Him, we tried to answer them ourselves. Every time we tried that route, we were just knocked down. Oh, ye of little faith.

There is hope, should oceans rise and mountains fall. HE NEVER FAILS.

Praise God for His promises and His provision.

I can't say that I know 2013 will be a golden year for us. I know this year holds its hardships and heartaches just like any other. But I can tell you that He has already  begun a mighty work in our lives - one that reminds me that He is FOR us and not against us. One that reminds me that all things work together for GOOD for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.

In 2013, we will, by the grace of God, meet our son. We will hold him in our arms. Even if only for a moment, I know the Lord has promised me this: I will fulfill my desire to be a mother. I don't know if that gift will be for the rest of my life or only for a few days or moments. Anything can happen. But Jacob is a blessing. No matter the outcome, this baby is a reminder that GOD IS FAITHFUL. He does not leave us in the darkness. God has overcome all our heartache and all our pain. I am humbled at the thought of it.

This year, God will show us that next step. He will show us why He's put us through this time of testing. He has already shown us so much through it. He's already begun answering prayers and giving us direction. We've grown stronger as a couple and closer to Christ because of His unending love and provision. We look forward to what's right on the horizon with excitement, knowing that He and ONLY He could have done such a great work. And we will both vow to live out whatever calling He has for us in such a way that others will be able to look at our lives and see JESUS splashed across every facet of it. That's our deepest desire.

I say all this to tell you that I am truly in awe of how far God has brought us in these and so many more areas. He has been holding us all along, even when we failed to recognize it. How wonderful it is to be called children of God.

He was faithful yesterday. He has been faithful today. He will continue to be faithful tomorrow.

You were singing in the dark
whispering Your promise
even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
carried for a thousand miles to show
not for a moment did You forsake me

today's prayer.

Lord, make the desire of my heart be to serve you in every capacity, every situation, every day, every possible way you provide, and with every fiber of my being.

Remind me of Your sheer power and might. Remind me that You are the Author, Creator, and Sustainer of not only my life, but of all life.

May Your glory move me to worship and live a lifestyle of continued, genuine worship.

May Your presence be ever before me. May I never walk ahead and become too enthralled by my own agendas and dreams.

Remind me when I'm hurting and worried that You have a plan for prosperity in my life and not harm (Jer. 29:11). Remind me that You are the God of all flesh and that nothing is too difficult for you (Jer. 32:27). Remind me that you are with me and will uphold me (Is. 41:10).

May I never waste another day and may I be ever mindful of Your return and the work that is to be done - the work that I am to do during this time that You have given me.




When He shall come with trumpet sound
O, may I then in Him be found
Dressed in His righteousness alone
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all.

Jacob David Adams

That's right.

It's a boy!

On Monday, Brian and I got to see our sweet baby for the first time in 12 weeks! Of course, we were anticipating what every Mom and Dad to be anticipates most at the anatomy scan -- would we be buying pink or blue? I can't really say that we were surprised when the ultrasound technician quietly, but sweetly said "It's a boy!". All along, each member of our family has guessed boy and we sort of had an inkling ourselves.

But boy oh boy. What a sweet surprise nonetheless.

Sweet Jacob was cuter than I ever could have imagined. As soon as his image popped on the screen, we could see his mouth moving. He was drinking fluid nonstop. What an adorable sight! He just kept going for more and my heart starting beating so fast.

Totally, completely, undeniably IN LOVE with this baby!

Throughout the rest of the scan (in which we learned Jacob is perfectly healthy as of now, praise God), he showed off in his own little way. For one, his mouth was rarely closed. Yep, that's my child for sure! On top of that, he kept his hands at his, ahem...crotch...whenever the technician was trying to get good shots. Even the tech laughed - "just like a boy," she chuckled.

He flipped over about a million times - a weird thing to feel and see at the same time. He also loved to cover his face with his sweet little hands.

We had names picked out going into the scan, so it was so neat to look on the screen and know "that's Jacob!"

SIDE NOTE: For those of you wondering about the name, allow me to tell the story of how it came to be. "David" was a no-brainer, as that is Brian's father's name and he's always wanted to honor him by naming his first son after him. So, that left us looking for the first name. I never quite thought we'd be "those people" - the typical minister/seminary couples who choose only Biblical names, but our name list quickly developed to be a list of people from the Bible or Hebrew names rooted with deep spiritual meaning. I don't know what the defining moment was, but one day, Brian and I both just agreed that Jacob is exactly what we wanted to name our little guy - should Baby Adams be a little guy. So there you have it: Jacob David Adams.

Aside from the scan, this week has just been a great one. Jacob is moving and kicking a WHOLE lot these days. There are times when I wonder if he's going to bust outta there! It's strange, both Brian and my mom have felt his kicks, but they keep saying they're very light and easy to miss. But to me, it feels like he's got some big ol' feet already!

Needless to say, we are thrilled to be halfway through this pregnancy and to be on the downhill side. We've started making minor preparations to convert the extra bedroom into the nursery. That of course means we have a lot of cleaning and packing to do.

As fast as the first half as flown by, I know the last half will fly by as well. But there are some days when the first of May seems way too far away. I'll probably be laughing at that thought once Jacob gets here - missing the days of naps and full night's sleeps (well, fuller night's sleeps).

We can't wait to share Jacob with friends and family and start this incredibly fun journey as a family of three. Until then, we'll be here - scrambling to get things together, wondering how it's all going to work out, freaking out most days, and loving our little man as he gets ready to make his entrance onto the stage of life. :)

Havin' a baby, what a wonderful way to say...

Whatever you want if you're an outsider, apparently.

What is it about pregnancy that makes the whole outside world assume they have the freedom to impose their heavily opinionated thoughts on you? It's an epidemic! It's everywhere! ...It's annoying.

Mind you, I don't mind the less invasive pieces of advice. By all means, I love when veteran moms tell me what kind of bottles are best or offer tips on breastfeeding and the like. I don't know the first thing about parenting just yet, so I'm all ears for stuff like that. But when others start weeding their way into our personal business and make assumptions on our ABILITY to parent? Oh that's when it's gonna get ugly. Real ugly.

Details? You're not going to get many here. But I will say this: Brian and I are in a time of transition like NO OTHER. I have never known emotions like this. To be simultaneously more excited than I can bear on top of so stressed that I just want to retreat into the comfort zone known as "Mom and Dad's house" permanently is an overwhelming moment in life.

I will not hide the fact that Brian is between jobs. Tis the life of ministry. We left our last church on a very strong calling and have been patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) been waiting on the Lord to reveal more details. But we all know, He doesn't exactly work on our time. Needless to say, we've been in a giant waiting game for a while and it's getting a tad bit tiring. I can say, gratefully, that He is slowly unveiling His plan for us and providing us with what looks to be an incredible opportunity to not only get plugged into ministry but plugged in with PEOPLE as well. If you've read any previous posts, you know how much the opportunity to make new friends is a welcomed change for me!

No one knows more than we do how scary this time has been. If it was just the two of us, it wouldn't really bother me. But look, I - more than ANYONE - am very well aware of the life growing inside me. I mean, we're at the point where s/he lets me know s/he is there (calling all universities - we've got a great punter for your football team in about 19 years). There is so much pressure to be able to provide every little thing we could ever want for this child. Our deepest desire is to provide well for it. And I am confident that we are and will continue to do so after this little babe makes its official appearance. The Lord gives and we trust He will continue to bless.

What is most disheartening, I suppose, are the conversations we've been forced to be a part of by people who we expected to understand the notion of faith. FAITH. You know, the evidence of things not seen? All that good stuff? Yeah. Sometimes, it seems as though people assume that since we don't exactly know every detail of our future that perhaps God no longer favors us. Seriously.

Does anyone remember Joseph? Job? Paul? Any of these names ring a bell?
These men all shared something in common. While they were incredibly committed to God and His work, they suffered: and God allowed them to. Their stories are outstanding examples of unwavering faith and God's true hand of provision in their lives as they endured trials and storms. Each one came out with stronger faith than they went in with.

By no means do I equate myself with Paul. I am far from it. But I don't understand why people can read these stories in the Word yet fail to see that trials can still be a blessing in modern day. Do I want to be tortured with the unknown and constantly wonder what's next? No way. But what I do know is that God is using this time to prepare me (and Brian) for something so much bigger.

 Romans 5:3-5 says:
"And not only this, but we exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Why do we all freak out when God decides to stretch us? I'm pretty sure there's a similar verse in James that states that we should rejoice in our trials and to let it be an opportunity for joy - for, when our faith is tested, our endurance has a chance to grow and then we will be strong in character and ready for anything.

So, while I may be frustrated when others try to solve our problems in attempts to make us appear more stable and fit to be parents, I've resolved to remember these men of the Bible and the promises God has given us of His provision, even in times of trouble.

Let us not forget that trials are an opportunity to grow closer to Christ. They're a time of worship! They're a time to remember that God is the ultimate Healer, Deliverer, and Provider and in HIS TIME, He will show Himself and His will.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ."     1 Corinthians 1:3-5

Times like these make me grateful for the memories of washing dishes with my mom when I was young and singing this song together:

Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come? Why should my heart feel lonely and long for heaven and home, when Jesus is my portion? A constant friend is He! His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.