today's prayer.

Lord, make the desire of my heart be to serve you in every capacity, every situation, every day, every possible way you provide, and with every fiber of my being.

Remind me of Your sheer power and might. Remind me that You are the Author, Creator, and Sustainer of not only my life, but of all life.

May Your glory move me to worship and live a lifestyle of continued, genuine worship.

May Your presence be ever before me. May I never walk ahead and become too enthralled by my own agendas and dreams.

Remind me when I'm hurting and worried that You have a plan for prosperity in my life and not harm (Jer. 29:11). Remind me that You are the God of all flesh and that nothing is too difficult for you (Jer. 32:27). Remind me that you are with me and will uphold me (Is. 41:10).

May I never waste another day and may I be ever mindful of Your return and the work that is to be done - the work that I am to do during this time that You have given me.




When He shall come with trumpet sound
O, may I then in Him be found
Dressed in His righteousness alone
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all.

Jacob David Adams

That's right.

It's a boy!

On Monday, Brian and I got to see our sweet baby for the first time in 12 weeks! Of course, we were anticipating what every Mom and Dad to be anticipates most at the anatomy scan -- would we be buying pink or blue? I can't really say that we were surprised when the ultrasound technician quietly, but sweetly said "It's a boy!". All along, each member of our family has guessed boy and we sort of had an inkling ourselves.

But boy oh boy. What a sweet surprise nonetheless.

Sweet Jacob was cuter than I ever could have imagined. As soon as his image popped on the screen, we could see his mouth moving. He was drinking fluid nonstop. What an adorable sight! He just kept going for more and my heart starting beating so fast.

Totally, completely, undeniably IN LOVE with this baby!

Throughout the rest of the scan (in which we learned Jacob is perfectly healthy as of now, praise God), he showed off in his own little way. For one, his mouth was rarely closed. Yep, that's my child for sure! On top of that, he kept his hands at his, ahem...crotch...whenever the technician was trying to get good shots. Even the tech laughed - "just like a boy," she chuckled.

He flipped over about a million times - a weird thing to feel and see at the same time. He also loved to cover his face with his sweet little hands.

We had names picked out going into the scan, so it was so neat to look on the screen and know "that's Jacob!"

SIDE NOTE: For those of you wondering about the name, allow me to tell the story of how it came to be. "David" was a no-brainer, as that is Brian's father's name and he's always wanted to honor him by naming his first son after him. So, that left us looking for the first name. I never quite thought we'd be "those people" - the typical minister/seminary couples who choose only Biblical names, but our name list quickly developed to be a list of people from the Bible or Hebrew names rooted with deep spiritual meaning. I don't know what the defining moment was, but one day, Brian and I both just agreed that Jacob is exactly what we wanted to name our little guy - should Baby Adams be a little guy. So there you have it: Jacob David Adams.

Aside from the scan, this week has just been a great one. Jacob is moving and kicking a WHOLE lot these days. There are times when I wonder if he's going to bust outta there! It's strange, both Brian and my mom have felt his kicks, but they keep saying they're very light and easy to miss. But to me, it feels like he's got some big ol' feet already!

Needless to say, we are thrilled to be halfway through this pregnancy and to be on the downhill side. We've started making minor preparations to convert the extra bedroom into the nursery. That of course means we have a lot of cleaning and packing to do.

As fast as the first half as flown by, I know the last half will fly by as well. But there are some days when the first of May seems way too far away. I'll probably be laughing at that thought once Jacob gets here - missing the days of naps and full night's sleeps (well, fuller night's sleeps).

We can't wait to share Jacob with friends and family and start this incredibly fun journey as a family of three. Until then, we'll be here - scrambling to get things together, wondering how it's all going to work out, freaking out most days, and loving our little man as he gets ready to make his entrance onto the stage of life. :)

Havin' a baby, what a wonderful way to say...

Whatever you want if you're an outsider, apparently.

What is it about pregnancy that makes the whole outside world assume they have the freedom to impose their heavily opinionated thoughts on you? It's an epidemic! It's everywhere! ...It's annoying.

Mind you, I don't mind the less invasive pieces of advice. By all means, I love when veteran moms tell me what kind of bottles are best or offer tips on breastfeeding and the like. I don't know the first thing about parenting just yet, so I'm all ears for stuff like that. But when others start weeding their way into our personal business and make assumptions on our ABILITY to parent? Oh that's when it's gonna get ugly. Real ugly.

Details? You're not going to get many here. But I will say this: Brian and I are in a time of transition like NO OTHER. I have never known emotions like this. To be simultaneously more excited than I can bear on top of so stressed that I just want to retreat into the comfort zone known as "Mom and Dad's house" permanently is an overwhelming moment in life.

I will not hide the fact that Brian is between jobs. Tis the life of ministry. We left our last church on a very strong calling and have been patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) been waiting on the Lord to reveal more details. But we all know, He doesn't exactly work on our time. Needless to say, we've been in a giant waiting game for a while and it's getting a tad bit tiring. I can say, gratefully, that He is slowly unveiling His plan for us and providing us with what looks to be an incredible opportunity to not only get plugged into ministry but plugged in with PEOPLE as well. If you've read any previous posts, you know how much the opportunity to make new friends is a welcomed change for me!

No one knows more than we do how scary this time has been. If it was just the two of us, it wouldn't really bother me. But look, I - more than ANYONE - am very well aware of the life growing inside me. I mean, we're at the point where s/he lets me know s/he is there (calling all universities - we've got a great punter for your football team in about 19 years). There is so much pressure to be able to provide every little thing we could ever want for this child. Our deepest desire is to provide well for it. And I am confident that we are and will continue to do so after this little babe makes its official appearance. The Lord gives and we trust He will continue to bless.

What is most disheartening, I suppose, are the conversations we've been forced to be a part of by people who we expected to understand the notion of faith. FAITH. You know, the evidence of things not seen? All that good stuff? Yeah. Sometimes, it seems as though people assume that since we don't exactly know every detail of our future that perhaps God no longer favors us. Seriously.

Does anyone remember Joseph? Job? Paul? Any of these names ring a bell?
These men all shared something in common. While they were incredibly committed to God and His work, they suffered: and God allowed them to. Their stories are outstanding examples of unwavering faith and God's true hand of provision in their lives as they endured trials and storms. Each one came out with stronger faith than they went in with.

By no means do I equate myself with Paul. I am far from it. But I don't understand why people can read these stories in the Word yet fail to see that trials can still be a blessing in modern day. Do I want to be tortured with the unknown and constantly wonder what's next? No way. But what I do know is that God is using this time to prepare me (and Brian) for something so much bigger.

 Romans 5:3-5 says:
"And not only this, but we exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Why do we all freak out when God decides to stretch us? I'm pretty sure there's a similar verse in James that states that we should rejoice in our trials and to let it be an opportunity for joy - for, when our faith is tested, our endurance has a chance to grow and then we will be strong in character and ready for anything.

So, while I may be frustrated when others try to solve our problems in attempts to make us appear more stable and fit to be parents, I've resolved to remember these men of the Bible and the promises God has given us of His provision, even in times of trouble.

Let us not forget that trials are an opportunity to grow closer to Christ. They're a time of worship! They're a time to remember that God is the ultimate Healer, Deliverer, and Provider and in HIS TIME, He will show Himself and His will.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ."     1 Corinthians 1:3-5

Times like these make me grateful for the memories of washing dishes with my mom when I was young and singing this song together:

Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come? Why should my heart feel lonely and long for heaven and home, when Jesus is my portion? A constant friend is He! His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.

Really??

I'm three weeks away from finding out the gender of our baby. Oh. My. Goodness.

God is better than good.

Earlier this year, I had no idea that this could even be a reality. But here we are, finalizing name choices, doing our homework on the best of all things baby, and even panicking some moments.

To be honest, there have been a lot of days - especially recently - where we have to stop and ask ourselves if we are ready emotionally, physically, financially... This little bit was a complete and total surprise and it's easy to let that overwhelm us. But I have to remember that it was no surprise to God. As cheesy as it sounds to some, it's all a part of His perfect plan for us - even if we don't know how everything is going to work out. Ministry and seminary living doesn't exactly mean we are in the top tax brackets here, but God is faithful and has continued to provide and I trust that He will continue to do so - even in the moments where we are at OUR wits end.

And I realize still that I have a long way to go. This could all end in a moment, but I can say that I've never been more grateful and more humbled as I have been during this time. I will always cherish this blessing and these moments. I'll trust Him every step.

So that's that. Just grateful tonight for big blessings even in the midst of stressful days.

December 10. We'll see you then, little bit.

time for rest.

Last week, Brian was invited to speak to a youth group at a local church near home. It was a pretty great experience. The church was awesome, the people were warm and welcoming, and the youth were really energetic. We even got to meet couples around/near OUR AGE. I had no idea these people existed! Seriously! It was a refreshing experience - mostly because I was not in charge of a single thing.

I realize how selfish and lazy that sounds. But can I be honest with you?

After two+ years as an instrumentalist/worship leader/media gal/recreation figure-outer without having a sunday school or small group to lean on, ministry got tiring for me.

Is that terrible? I know it sounds terrible.

Don't get me wrong. I loved every facet of everything on my plate. I did. But it just got to where it was a little too much all at once. Sundays and Wednesdays got to be more about checking off a to-do list and I admit, I lost sight of what was really important: communion with Christ. It's easy for anyone to do, really. And it happened to me. 

Aside from overloading myself, I was overcome by loneliness of the worst kind. Yes, I have a fantastic husband who I share every moment with. But sometimes, we need peers. Women need women. While I did have one or two ladies in my life that I could share with, it wasn't as often as I craved or needed. They came from different worlds, too (children). I was still lacking in that true fellowship with the body. Fellowship, for me, had becoming shaking hands and smiling and exchanging pleasantries between services and that was about it. There were a lot of nights that I would cry, just wishing my friends were closer - most are 3+ hours away, and my best friend is in AFRICA for crying out loud. At the very least, I wished I could make a friend close in age and close to home that I could truly share things with as a sister in Christ. I've always been an extremely relational gal, and to not have that type of friendship nearby was truly crippling me.

To make a long story short, God saw fit to end our time at the church we were serving at. In a lot of ways - it was very much needed - on both sides. Anyone tied to ministry knows that leaving is tough. This was certainly the case for us as well. There were youth there that we simply hated to leave. But we knew with absolute certainty that God had something else in store for us.

And that is where we are now. Just waiting until He reveals the next step. It's been a weird time, but a time of rest like no other. I've been able to truly sit down and just listen instead of look for ways to keep myself busy. I don't have to-do lists at the moment and I can just focus on my relationship with Christ. 

The Lord is really teaching me what it means to BE STILL. I see that things won't fall apart if I don't have my hand in them. I knew this all along, really. I know I'm a professional amateur and there's nothing really that I possess that makes me great. I just simply always had to be busy with something. I guess it's that controlling side. Got that from you, Mom. Thanks ;)

I'm trusting that the season He is entering us into is one of continued rest accompanied by fellowship with couples we can come to count on and trust - not only as members of the body but as true friends. 

Every step, every season is an adventure - a lesson. 

Fighting thoughts of fear

How can something so tiny make itself known in my thoughts in such a big way? 

I promise you that I can't go two minutes without thinking of this child. In my head, I can still hear the muffled blub-blub-blub of his/her heartbeat. Every little twinge in my body cues me in to what may or may not be happening. 

I'm overwhelmed with joy most moments. But honestly, today I am so scared that I feel as though I'm suffocating. I am scared to be excited because the very plain and simple truth is, this all could end in a moment. It could be over weeks before I even know it's over

And yes, I know that is no way to move on through this journey. What good will thoughts like that do me? None. I know. 

But I'm afraid that perhaps God's will for this child isn't my will. I read stories and know friends and friends of friends who have made it through that tricky first trimester and gone on to lose their babies at 16, 18, 22, 28 weeks and more. I know women who have lost their babies just days before they were to be born. 

This is all so scary. This is almost too much. To want something so very badly and yet have no way of knowing it will come to complete fruition is frightening. 

I know that ALL things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28). I have no sign or reason to believe anything bad is happening. 

I want to be able to open my hands and lift up this matter and say "Not my will, but Yours be done." Because I know that He has taken every trial and heartache in my life and brought joy and understanding and peace through it all. But this... I feel myself greedily grasping this situation as if I can hide it from God's providential hand - because I want this. I want this. I want this. 

Today is a struggle. Yes, I am grateful and excited for the life in me and the gift He has so graciously bestowed upon my life. I'm so grateful. I'm so humbled. 

But honestly, I am so scared. 

It takes every ounce of strength to hide the hesitations I have in saying this, but nevertheless I know I need to:

Not my will, but Yours, o Lord. 

In every season...

All of my life, in every season, You are still God. 

I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.

These are the song lyrics that plagued my head on March 22, as I sat in a hospital room with Brian on that cool spring evening and heard the doctor confirm that not only was I pregnant, but that it was NOT an ectopic pregnancy like we feared. All I could remember was beaming from ear to ear and silently singing these words. "God, you are faithful," was all I could think to utter.

These are the song lyrics that invaded my heart the night my mother came to take me back to my parents house to endure the miscarriage of the child I would never hold. It was a fairly silent ride, as I processed what was about to happened and already yearned for Brian to be able to come join me as we secretly got away from life as we knew it to endure our first loss together. Even still, all I knew to say was "God, you are faithful." 

These are the song lyrics that comforted me in the times that I reflected on what never would be. The words that I meditated on when I felt like I was being swallowed by heavy darkness. I knew that God was still faithful.

These song lyrics that played in the foyer the first day back to work for the school year that reminded me of how faithful God was and how He had shown His providence day after day and brought me unspeakable joy that my flesh thought I'd surely never find again.

These are the same lyrics that overtook me as Brian and I smiled with uncertainty, but a bit of hope, at the two very strong pink lines on the bathroom counter on September 8. I meditated on the message of this song as we continued about the rest of the day as if nothing special had happened. Even in cautious fear and excitement, I was reminded that God is faithful.

And yes, these are the words that resonated within my soul on September 19 at 11:00 AM as Brian and I saw our baby's strong heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. God, you are faithful.

And I'm telling you now, that whether this sweet, precious gift makes it to our world on May 5 as we hope it does, or if it quickly whisked away to the arms of Christ before it is ever placed into mine, I will constantly, consistently, and confidently be singing this very song. Because God is faithful.

This is my prayer in the harvest,

when favor and providence flow.

I know I'm filled to be emptied again.

This seed I've received I will sow.

I will bring praise,

I will bring praise.

No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory, and He is here.

All of my life, in every season,

You are still God.

I have a reason to sing.

I have a reason to worship.

As always, your prayers are appreciated...more than you know!