on the brink

Every day. The same things.

Wake up. Get dressed. Wake kids up. Pat myself on the back for being on schedule. Realize I forgot to fix bottles. Fix bottles. Finish getting dressed. Notice I'm no longer on schedule. Speed up the getting ready process. Rogue diaper incident. Clean mess. Look for keys. Refill milk for demanding toddler in high chair. Continue looking for keys. Panic. Blame husband for missing keys. Pick up crying baby. Find keys. Contemplate apologizing to husband. Change outfit because of spit up incident. Rush out of the door. 

Cue eight hours of blurred teaching, directions, hyperactive students, etc.

Go home. Survive until bedtime. Crash.

Rinse and repeat.

Don't read this wrong, people. My life looks a lot like every one else's. I'm no special snowflake. And I don't dislike life right now. But it's such a blur. Most days I have to sit back and contemplate on whether I did anything of significance.

Significance. That's been a recurrent theme for me lately.

What does that look like? Who decides what's important and what isn't? 

I don't know. I mean, I do know the good ol' Christian answers and what not. But even at 27 years old, I still wonder if maybe I'm missing out on something. Back in college I was certain that by now I would know myself completely and be self-assured and confident and successful. To some degree, I am. But there's still that lingering question mark of something more.

The best part in all of this questioning though, is that I've been so convinced that God has been speaking to me in all of this. It's almost like He's telling me, "hey! I've got something bigger...something better. It's yours for the taking." 

Hear me out. I'm not going all TD Jakes on you and expecting material blessings. 

Nope. He's really been speaking to my heart about sanctification for the sake of His glory. Can I be real here? Of course I can. It's my blog. 

For a long time in my walk with Christ, I've been so lazy. I'm married to a student pastor and I often piggyback off of his title. By that I mean, I tend to neglect my responsibilities as a believer because I'm "so involved" with Brian's ministry that I must have everything together well enough as is, right? Wrong. Recently I was really convicted about this. I realized that I DO have a lot of influence on Brian's ministry. My relationship and growth in Christ is pivotal to my marriage and the health of my marriage is absolutely pivotal to Brian's ministry. And Brian's ministry is pivotal to the salvation and growth of a multitude of students. All of this is a circular motion that should point right back to Jesus Christ. So. I've chewed on that for a while and have been really working on being a little less lazy and a lot more hungry for God. I'm not all there yet. But I'm getting better.

In the midst of all this, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Christ has been putting this idea of significance in my heart. I know He wants to work on me and break my unwilling and lazy spirit so that He can use me to bring Him glory. 

He's putting dreams in my heart and it's literally the most beautiful feeling I've ever felt. When He speaks, it's beautiful. It's so refreshing and reassuring and humbling to know that Jesus still speaks. To ME. 

So right now I may feel like I'm in a rut of the same things each day. The same messes, the same chaos, the same routines...for now. 

But I'm holding on to the idea of significance and sanctification. I'm letting Him break and mold and chip and chisel. Because I know He's putting together something wonderful. He's preparing something currently unfathomable. And it's all for Him. And these dreams are the only ones I want to chase. They're the only ones with any significance.

More of You. Less of me.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."                 Ephesians 4:29

sanity and sanctity

I'm sitting on my bed at 9:30 PM on this Thursday night eating a cold slice of pizza and drinking Mountain Dew straight from the 2-liter bottle because, friends, it's been that kind of day.

Kids, man. Kids.

Yesterday I went to go get my hair did.

....Yes. I color my hair. Because it's entirely traumatizing to be a 27 year-young woman and have mounds of gray hair. I digress.

As I was letting the chemicals soak into my skull with their unknown lasting effects, I was talking to my hair magician, Deidre, about being a mom. It had been a tough morning and I pretty much just started gushing about my frustrations with my children and myself. And I admit it. I said it. I said what very few mothers want to say:

"Being a mother is NOT the most beautiful job in the world and most days, it's not the best. Anyone who says differently is a liar or blinded by whatever drugs they're taking."

Like I said, y'all. It had been a tough morning.

I've been thinking about the statements I've made and at first, I felt a little guilty for feeling the way I do. But as the day has progressed (read: as more caffeine has been consumed), I realize there's absolutely nothing wrong with having those sentiments.

Before I indulge further, let me tell you: My boys are the absolute greatest gift I've ever been given and are my greatest accomplishment to date. If I had to, I would go head-to-head with the vilest offenders on earth if it meant keeping them safe. And I would dominate them. Because a mother's love, y'all, is way beyond comprehension. And I wouldn't trade them for the greatest riches on earth. They're irreplaceable (like Beyonce - to the left, to the left).

BUT MAN CAN THEY DRIVE YOU CRAZY.

Some days I don't even get five minutes to myself to mindlessly watch tv. I haven't gone to the bathroom or taken a shower in our house with the door closed in two years. I can't remember the last time I didn't either have to share a meal or eat it cold.

And sometimes I log onto social media and I see Perfect Prissy Pants Mama waxing poetic about how wonderful her sweet little smocked-outfit-wearing babies are as she uploads pictures of her perfectly kept house on her way to vacation number 4 of the summer and I just wanna punch her.

That lady is not the picture of average motherhood. She isn't. And I hope her kid smears grape jelly on her couch.

Here's the truth, well, what I've learned, about motherhood:

• Some days you cry more than your kids.
• Sometimes you lose your temper and raise your voice louder than you should.
• Finishing a cup of coffee before it gets cold is a luxury and a rare happening.
• The only time you get to yourself is going to the grocery store and even then, you're rushing to get out as fast as you can because you know your husband is going to give your kid an entire giant oatmeal creme pie if you don't get home quick enough to stop him.
• Every night, you'll find some way you messed up and kick yourself in the proverbial butt because of it.
• There's always going to be a mess...somewhere. If you can't see one, you aren't looking in the right places (check behind the couch).
• You'll wonder where you've gone and when parenting became your only source of identity
• You desperately hope that somewhere beyond the spit up stains on your shirt and the fact that you couldn't find time long enough to shower again that your husband still finds you pretty(ish).
• You absolutely cannot do this job alone.

So, yeah. I think Perfect Prissy Pants Mama and her Oh-So-Smart-Above-Average Angel are obnoxious. But there's a heart of the matter that I've got to get to here: the fault lies with me. If I wasn't falling victim to that ever so tempting game of comparisons, I could look at her posts and say "good for her!" and move on with my life. But instead, it leaves me wondering where in the world I went wrong.

I just need to realize I haven't.

I need to remember that for the Christian, parenting is absolutely a sanctifying process. And sanctification means addressing issues that keep me from being pure and holy. And trust me -- I've seen them: my temper, my covetousness, my selfishness...I could go on (and on and on and on and on)...

 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named,  that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth,  and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3: 14-19

And there you have it. That's the passage that has been washing over me the last few days...mostly when I feel overwhelmed in this day-to-day mama stuff. 

God is so sneaky, you know? I mean, I can be in the middle of a me-tantrum and BAM here comes those words again. 

Sanctification. Thank GOD for it. Maybe I've got a lot to fix in my life but I am so grateful that He loves me enough TO fix me. I don't like the mirror that motherhood holds up to my face but I love that HE loves me enough to not leave me where I am. Because as I learned over a quarter of century ago in my preschool church choir...

He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be...

I may come out of this journey a few pounds heavier if I keep the Mountain Dew thing up, though.

...But I refuse to come out of it with any extra gray hair. ;)

On being OLD.

A few weeks ago, my mom and I were driving back from Wal-Mart (the classiest retail shopping center within a 60 mile radius) when I noticed something in my reflection in the rear-view mirror. It wasn't just something. It was radiating a brilliant, white glow from the top of my head, bouncing the sunshine right back out of the sunroof from whence it came.

It can't be.

I stared closer, nearly forgetting I should be focused on the road instead. But this, my friends was a crisis. Because what I saw was what no woman ever wants to see. It's especially something this 26 (you read me right, only TWENTY SIX) year-old woman wants to see.

Gray. Hair.

Actually, it wasn't gray, it was white. Stark white. And it wasn't just one.

I yanked the car over in the parking lot of the local bank and forced my mom to conduct a closer inspection. I should have known by the cackles of laughter emitting from her deepest parts that the situation was dire. I, ladies and gentlemen, had a gray (white) hair INFESTATION.

Apparently, and without my knowledge, at some point within the last few months, my body decided to start playing tricks on me. You go to bed one night thinking the world is at your finger tips and the next morning, BAM, you're a poster child for Clairol.

I eventually "took care" of the problem. (My apologies to my stylist, Deborah, for not waiting for the professional job.) And, I eventually got over the shock and awe. But it got me thinking a lot about aging.

It also doesn't help that Jacob just turned ONE and I've been spending the past few days watching videos and looking at pictures from his first few months in life. (He was so quiet, WHAT HAPPENED??) It's incredible to see how much babies grow and develop within such a short time. In 12 months, he's grown leaps and bounds. Once, he depended on me for everything: I provided his nourishment, I carried him from place to place, etc. Now, he's totally content to do everything, or TRY to do everything on his own. He feeds himself, walks wherever he desires, grabs whatever toy (or bug) he's looking for... the kid is like a tiny grown up. How did this happen?!

Getting older. We're all doing it. I don't know about you, but that thought scares me at some moments.

Another occasion in Wal-Mart (you guys, that's the only place to go in this town, okay? Don't judge.),  I was with Jacob, walking out the door and saw an elderly man sitting on a bench near the exit. He was reading the local paper. Not unusual. But, I noticed the way he looked at people as they passed. He wanted us to meet his eyes. He wanted some verbal exchange. His hands shook, as well as his head, as he struggled to concentrate his eyes on the tiny print on the pages in front of him. He was old.

After exchanging greetings and smiles with this sweet stranger, I walked to the car. I looked at Jacob. And I cried. I didn't cry because I pitied him. I cried because I realized that could be my son one day. Aging, lonely, and frail. That could be Brian. It will be me one day. I'm getting old. We're all getting old.

Of course, after I snapped out of my hormonal fit, I came to the realization that aging is not entirely a bad thing. I guess it's just...strange. You see, I know a lot of you probably look at me and think my musings are laughable. I realize I'm still young. But, when I look in the mirror, I already have those moments of not recognizing the person I see. I still feel like that youthful, 20 year old who gets 10 or more hours of sleep each night and doesn't have bags under her eyes and isn't missing her ab muscles after they were stretched to their limit for 40 weeks (you're welcome, Jacob).

I know I'm not the only one who experiences this. I know aging isn't some...thing I've discovered. It's happening to every one, every moment. And for me, it's become a daily reminder of the fact that this life is ending. Whether or not you want to accept the words I'm about to write doesn't diminish the truth: we're all dying. Our bodies were meant to age. They do that from day one. We, of course, try to take an optimistic approach and call it "growing". But, it is what it is.

So, upon this revelation, I have to ask myself: What am I doing with my life? (Ah yes. Welcome to your late-20s, LL.)

Yeah, yeah. I know. I've got my roles and responsibilities: Stay-at-home mom by day (for now), binge Netflix watcher by night. But what about the in-betweens? Those coming and going moments?

I'll be honest. Thinking about all of this, I've realized that I've spent a lot of days doing a lot of mundane things that won't make any type of dent in my life or anyone else's. Sure, down time is great. But I bet I'd be pretty embarrassed to know the hours I've wasted mindlessly watching a television show on Netflix when I could've been on the phone having encouraging conversations with a friend or family member. I could've been digging into scripture and challenging myself to know more about why I believe what I believe. I could've been praying for those who I know are hurting or lost. I could've taken a gift to my elderly neighbor just to let her know someone is thinking of her.

I've got the physical evidence that I'm not going to be young forever. And, as a believer, I trust that one day I'll stand before our Creator and give an account of the work I've done here in this life, but... will it be worthwhile?

My biggest fear is wasting my life, but I sure don't seem too motivated to do anything about it most days. A lot of times, I take the platform God has given me for granted. Brian's job gives me access to a group of students who are willing to share their lives with me and allow me to share mine with them. I have the opportunity to influence them in the best way possible and share the love of Jesus with them in a seriously tangible way. Hours I could spend praying for and investing in them are sometimes spent doing way less important things.

So perhaps now when I look in the mirror and see that tired, albeit still young, woman staring back at me, I'll be reminded of the years that have passed and the moments that are passing. Maybe I'll be a little less concerned about what color to cover up my "crowns of glory" (blah, it's gray hair) and more concerned about remembering, in the time that I've been GIFTED, to let somebody know that they're loved more than they'll ever know.

Live purposefully. Because you have a purpose.
"...whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." 1 Corinthians 10:31

_________________________________________

This one's for you, Mama. Thanks for teaching me about the importance of each day being a gift. As you learn now how to live without YOUR mama, thank you for teaching me to reflect upon the good that a person did within their lifetime, and not being overcome with sorrow. I will forever be grateful to Mamaw for the motivation to be better each day and for the courage to live in such a way that when I leave this world, others might see that it's not about me... it's all about Him. 

And Mom? You're just as beautiful now as you were 26 years ago. THAT'S how I'll always see you.

swelling thoughts.

For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. - Romans 1:19-20


There is absolutely nothing more I can add to this post that would cement this truth any more that it already is.

The bottom line?

God is.

He was.

He always will be.

There is no denying it. 

And one day? We will see its truth played out; every knee bowing, every tongue confessing that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father.



Until then, it is not for me to sit around as if I have no calling or purpose. My purpose was made known when God reached down and breathed His everlasting, life-giving love into my cold corpse and called me one of His own. 

Now I am saved by the grace of our Savior. And I owe my life to Him - a servant of His matchless grace.

Half a year...

...and we're still here!

Man. It seems like that it was just yesterday that THIS happened:

Poor kid. It was this picture that made me worry that perhaps Jacob was going to be not so photogenic, much like his mama. I mean, in his defense he HAD just made quite a traumatic and yucky journey. But luckily for him, his looks improved.

I've pretty much been head over heels in love with this baby since day one.

This kid has grown and changed at an incredibly fast rate. People always told me that their children seemed to grow up overnight and now, I believe that can be true. 

Take a look: Jacob at 1 week, 1 month, and (skipping ahead a bit) 6 months (will have a monthly comparison photo to post as soon as his daddy, AHEM, puts it together):

Good grief.

At SIX MONTHS OLD, Jacob is quite an entertainer. Here's what we know he loves:

• His daddy: Oh mylanta. Anything that Brian does is ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS, to Jacob that is. If I've got a not-so-fun task to do (like suctioning Jacob's nose), I'll call Brian in because goodness knows that kid isn't going to show out for his Daddy. It's simultaneously cute and sickening
• Elmo: Yeah. That's right. Our kid has learned that Elmo is awesome. I'll admit, I was afraid of the affinity-developing stage because I know whatever Jacob likes to watch means we get stuck with. But I'm cool with Elmo. He's cute. And he makes some pretty witty jokes for a 3 year old.
• EATING: You know, pediatricians will tell you that when your baby is full, he'll stop eating or refuse food. Nuh-uh. Not this kid. At 6 months old, he has a cereal and fruit each morning as well as a vegetable and fruit (or something we're eating) at night along with 6-7 feeds during the day. And he eats every single bit of it. I think I could keep offering and the kid would keep eating. He thinks food is fun and it's been fun watching him try things like avocado, bananas, and even a (very, very small) bite of a pickle. It's anything goes with him. His favorite foods though are squash and bananas.
• "Talking": He gets it honest, folks. Our little man babbles from the moment he's awake until we lay him down for the night. 
• Crawling: It's the funniest thing. The kid has shown zero interest in sitting up on his own. In fact, he's not good at it at all. But he can army-crawl like nobody's business. He's a fast little guy. Turn your back for one second and he's chewing on the dog's toys or underneath the Christmas tree, reaching out for an ornament taste-test.

I knew babies were fun, but I didn't know they were THIS much fun. Seriously. Every single moment - even the challenging ones (GROWTH SPURTS) have been absolutely worth it. This kid has shown a personality from an early age and it just keeps getting better.

Happy 6 months in the world, Jacob. 

You sure did make ours better the day you arrived.  

an update, a confession, and a calling

Life finds the Adams family (try your hardest to avoid snapping a la theme song style) at an unusual, uncomfortable, and exciting crossroads right now. Allow me to go back in time a bit to bring you up to speed.

In the spring of 2008, I had the opportunity to spend ten days in Athens, Greece on a mission trip with the college ministry of FBC Clinton, MS. It was a life changing experience in more ways than one. I can still vividly remember sitting on Mars Hill, overlooking the city of Athens, while a pastor read Acts 17 to us. In this chapter, Paul is speaking to Athenians ON MARS HILL (so we literally were sitting in the place this very message had been spoken ages before we arrived). Let me share what it says:

Paul then stood up in the meeting of Areopagus and said: "Men of Athens! I see that in every way you are very religious. For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: TO AN UNKNOWN GOD. Now what you worship as something unknown I am going to proclaim to you. The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else... Acts 17:24-26

It was at this exact moment, overlooking the city of Athens and hearing these words that I knew without a doubt that God was real and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life proclaiming this very message to others around the world - whenever and wherever that meant, no matter the cost. I publicly accepted the call to missions.

Fast forward to the summer of 2012. Brian and I were discussing what our future looked like. I knew he had really been wrestling with the idea of going on the mission field but was finally beginning to feel assured of his calling. We talked about spending our lives somewhere different - giving up everything for the sake of sharing the gospel. I was all in. I was excited.

Fall 2012. We found out we were pregnant with Jacob. Suddenly, that zeal and vigor for obeying the call to go became watered down by fear and worry. With a new baby on the way, did I really want to pack up my life and move away from my family and take my child away from the safety of what we knew to be comfortable? Did I really want to take our parents' grandbaby hundreds, possibly thousands of miles away? That can't be fair to them, can it?

These doubts only multiplied after Jacob was born - for me, that is. Brian never lost his assurance and yet every time he would bring it up, I would shoot it down.

This is where the confession part comes in: For the past few months, I have been pushing and pushing and pushing for Brian to settle down in a church position because that's what I wanted. I wanted him to make the money so I could have a nice house with nice things for entertaining nice people and give my baby boy everything he could ever want. Brian would bring up the idea of missions and I would use our son as a road block. I would use the excuse of safety and family as a means to try and convince him that missions wasn't "for us". I told him something would work out and we would find a nice, happy spot to settle and all our problems would work themselves out.

They didn't. In fact, door after door after door began to close. For months I have wondered why God had allowed our lifestyle to go from comfortable to incredibly UNcomfortable so quickly. Did he not love us? Did he not care?

It wasn't until a few days ago that all of these closed doors started making sense. I found an old journal I kept when I was in college and just opened it. I wasn't wanting to reminisce and read the whole thing. I just...opened it. The entry that stared at me was the one in which I gushed about sitting on Mars Hill, hearing that message, and KNOWING that I was called to give my life to serving Him on the mission field. I read the words written by an excited and zealous young girl who trusted her safety and security to a sovereign and supreme God.

Okay, God. Okay. You win. I'm tired of fighting it.

Why had our lives suddenly taken a turn from comfort to chaos? I'll tell you why. God was trying - no, IS trying - to get my attention. So here I am, waving the white flag.

I had used every excuse imaginable to put off avoid what I knew in my heart was right.


The Bible tells us that to follow Christ we have to give up everything.
"Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head....Follow me and let the dead bury their own dead." Matthew 8:20,22

Brian challenged me yesterday to weigh every excuse I have for not surrendering to missions against scripture. He's a sneaky punk because he knew what I would find to be true: No excuse I have is good enough to forsake the call that I know I was given. Not even my child, considering I prayed the same prayer over him when he was born that Hannah prayed over Samuel: "...I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life..." (1 Sam. 1:11)

So there you have it. I confess to you that I have wrongfully deviated from God's will because I have been insanely selfish. And now, I'm confessing that I am tired of fighting it.

So what does all of this look like in our lives? Well, for us this means moving out of Memphis. We are packing up everything we have, selling/getting rid of a lot of stuff we own, and beginning the journey of seeing this calling out, I suppose.

As of next weekend, we will be living in Booneville, MS...with my parents. (Cue raised eyebrows from select few) -- We are using the next few months as a means to regroup. Brian is going to finish going to school this semester and graduate with his M.Div. (FINALLY) in May. In the meantime, I anticipate that we will start making preparations to go as soon as the Lord opens the door - whether that's immediately after Brian graduates or years down the road. We just know that Memphis is no longer the place for us. It's a distraction and will inevitably lead to an even further delay of following our call.

To the world, this move is a sign of weakness. No one really WANTS to move in with their parents - especially when they have a family of their own. But what I thought was a last resort has really proven to be the Lord leading us right where He wants us. We will be able to truly decipher what our next move is, hopefully chip away at our debt (dagnabbit, student loans!!), and prepare ourselves for the eventual and inevitable next step. I can't really tell you what that means. I can only tell you that we are sure that this is the right move for now.

I was afraid to tell people about this move, fearing that they would judge us or think we are incapable of taking care of ourselves. The truth is, we are! The truth is, while we've tried to take control, Jesus has swiftly broken us and undone all that we've done for the purpose of refocusing our lives. I see it now. And I am SO glad He's done it. So don't pity us, world. We aren't sad to be leaving our things. "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."


I don't know what the next few months look like. Brian may take a job - whether church or secular - while we wait on the Lord to officially send us. We may find ourselves in a new town once more in the meantime. I just know that I'm giving up all that I wanted so that he can do "exceedingly abundantly more than all we ask or imagine according to His great power that is at work in us" (Eph. 3:20).


And the truth is, he wants to do that for all his children. He doesn't want us to settle for what we deem comfortable or good. The call to follow Christ means radical living. It means doing things that make the world scratch its head in confusion. It may mean giving up your possessions. It may mean being homeless. It may mean living with your parents for a while (FREE DINNER, THOUGH!). Whatever it means, don't be afraid. The Sovereign God of the universe has a purpose and a plan for you. And you can be assured that it is better than anything you could have ever imagined. All you have to give up is everything. :)

So there you have it. That's what He's doing in our lives.
He's breaking it. It's SO uncomfortable. And yet, it's so exciting.


"Do we really believe He is worth abandoning everything for? Do you and I really believe that Jesus is so good, so satisfying, and so rewarding that we will leave all we have and all we own and all we are in order to find our fullness in Him? Do you and I believe Him enough to obey Him and to follow Him wherever He leads, even when the crowds in our culture - and maybe in our churches - turn the other way?"  David Platt, Radical (p.18-19)

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art 

When I grow up.

The other day, I was texting my friend Laura. Somewhere in the course of the conversation, we got to talking about teaching and I told her that I wasn't even sure anymore if I was supposed to be a teacher. That's kind of unfortunate seeing as that I just earned my $20,000 masters degree in education (side note: all monetary donations for the purposes of paying off loans/eating more Taco Bell are accepted). But you know, whatever. Laura asked me what I wanted to do with my life if it wasn't teaching.

"I want to have lunch with new people everyday. And blog."

Now, I realize that this is not really a REAL career or job, per se. (If it is a real job, holler at your girl.)

To be honest, I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life - in the way the world sees "doing something with your life", that is.

After college, I thought I was going to a be PR/Marketing specialist. And for a small time, I was. Aaaaand, I hated it. So, that was a bust. Then, I got the genius idea of becoming an English/Theatre teacher. I mean, I loved students so why not impart my knowledge Michelle Pfeiffer/Dangerous Minds style on some kiddos in a high school classroom? So for a while, I did. I even went to an expensive private university to get my masters to boost my skills in the classroom. Aaaaand, here I sit. Not in a classroom. Instead, I'm in my pjs, watching my little boy fuss at his stuffed giraffe for not continuously singing the alphabet song. It's really a fantastic job and one that I desired from the moment I found out I was pregnant. But I still can't help but wonder what my life will amount to? What can I DO to make an impact in this life?

My best friend Lindsay and I have lately talked a lot about purpose and direction. She said it best through a text message the other day: "I want my life to count, ya know?" - (This is coming from one who dropped everything to serve Jesus in Ghana -- c'mon, girl. You know you're making it count :) 

I know that this place I'm in is because God has called me to be here. It makes no financial sense for me to stay home. But God made it so very evident that this is right where He wants me.

I know what I'm really battling is worldly desires. My flesh wants more things - new furniture, a new car, a new house, a billion new purses... I see my friends making big purchases and going on extravagant vacations to places I've never heard of. I covet. I'm human.

Getting down to the nitty gritty, though, I realize that this life I'm living right now is EXACTLY what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. It's a humble one. And The Lord knows I could use a large dose of humility. Diaper duty, cleaning the kitchen, laundry, cooking, sweeping, mopping... loving on my baby, being the best wife I can be... THAT'S what God has called me to: for this season in life, at least.

The greatest part in all of this self-discovery is truly feeling the presence of God in the day-to-day stuff. Even in the most mundane tasks, I feel like God is truly pleased with what I'm doing. At the same time, I feel him knitting together something exciting for the very near future.

I guess all this is to say that I am coming to realize that God can use anyone to make any kind of impact. Whether it's through a young woman serving sacrificially in Africa, a teacher standing before a room full of chaotic students, or even a mama changing her kid's fifth dirty diaper in three hours. :)

Wherever you are, wherever He has placed you - be there. 100%. When we allow ourselves to relax in the roles he has placed us in, we see Him moving. We see purpose in the confusion.

When I grow up, I want my life to matter. And it's because of Christ that I realize it already does.