Really??

I'm three weeks away from finding out the gender of our baby. Oh. My. Goodness.

God is better than good.

Earlier this year, I had no idea that this could even be a reality. But here we are, finalizing name choices, doing our homework on the best of all things baby, and even panicking some moments.

To be honest, there have been a lot of days - especially recently - where we have to stop and ask ourselves if we are ready emotionally, physically, financially... This little bit was a complete and total surprise and it's easy to let that overwhelm us. But I have to remember that it was no surprise to God. As cheesy as it sounds to some, it's all a part of His perfect plan for us - even if we don't know how everything is going to work out. Ministry and seminary living doesn't exactly mean we are in the top tax brackets here, but God is faithful and has continued to provide and I trust that He will continue to do so - even in the moments where we are at OUR wits end.

And I realize still that I have a long way to go. This could all end in a moment, but I can say that I've never been more grateful and more humbled as I have been during this time. I will always cherish this blessing and these moments. I'll trust Him every step.

So that's that. Just grateful tonight for big blessings even in the midst of stressful days.

December 10. We'll see you then, little bit.

time for rest.

Last week, Brian was invited to speak to a youth group at a local church near home. It was a pretty great experience. The church was awesome, the people were warm and welcoming, and the youth were really energetic. We even got to meet couples around/near OUR AGE. I had no idea these people existed! Seriously! It was a refreshing experience - mostly because I was not in charge of a single thing.

I realize how selfish and lazy that sounds. But can I be honest with you?

After two+ years as an instrumentalist/worship leader/media gal/recreation figure-outer without having a sunday school or small group to lean on, ministry got tiring for me.

Is that terrible? I know it sounds terrible.

Don't get me wrong. I loved every facet of everything on my plate. I did. But it just got to where it was a little too much all at once. Sundays and Wednesdays got to be more about checking off a to-do list and I admit, I lost sight of what was really important: communion with Christ. It's easy for anyone to do, really. And it happened to me. 

Aside from overloading myself, I was overcome by loneliness of the worst kind. Yes, I have a fantastic husband who I share every moment with. But sometimes, we need peers. Women need women. While I did have one or two ladies in my life that I could share with, it wasn't as often as I craved or needed. They came from different worlds, too (children). I was still lacking in that true fellowship with the body. Fellowship, for me, had becoming shaking hands and smiling and exchanging pleasantries between services and that was about it. There were a lot of nights that I would cry, just wishing my friends were closer - most are 3+ hours away, and my best friend is in AFRICA for crying out loud. At the very least, I wished I could make a friend close in age and close to home that I could truly share things with as a sister in Christ. I've always been an extremely relational gal, and to not have that type of friendship nearby was truly crippling me.

To make a long story short, God saw fit to end our time at the church we were serving at. In a lot of ways - it was very much needed - on both sides. Anyone tied to ministry knows that leaving is tough. This was certainly the case for us as well. There were youth there that we simply hated to leave. But we knew with absolute certainty that God had something else in store for us.

And that is where we are now. Just waiting until He reveals the next step. It's been a weird time, but a time of rest like no other. I've been able to truly sit down and just listen instead of look for ways to keep myself busy. I don't have to-do lists at the moment and I can just focus on my relationship with Christ. 

The Lord is really teaching me what it means to BE STILL. I see that things won't fall apart if I don't have my hand in them. I knew this all along, really. I know I'm a professional amateur and there's nothing really that I possess that makes me great. I just simply always had to be busy with something. I guess it's that controlling side. Got that from you, Mom. Thanks ;)

I'm trusting that the season He is entering us into is one of continued rest accompanied by fellowship with couples we can come to count on and trust - not only as members of the body but as true friends. 

Every step, every season is an adventure - a lesson. 

Fighting thoughts of fear

How can something so tiny make itself known in my thoughts in such a big way? 

I promise you that I can't go two minutes without thinking of this child. In my head, I can still hear the muffled blub-blub-blub of his/her heartbeat. Every little twinge in my body cues me in to what may or may not be happening. 

I'm overwhelmed with joy most moments. But honestly, today I am so scared that I feel as though I'm suffocating. I am scared to be excited because the very plain and simple truth is, this all could end in a moment. It could be over weeks before I even know it's over

And yes, I know that is no way to move on through this journey. What good will thoughts like that do me? None. I know. 

But I'm afraid that perhaps God's will for this child isn't my will. I read stories and know friends and friends of friends who have made it through that tricky first trimester and gone on to lose their babies at 16, 18, 22, 28 weeks and more. I know women who have lost their babies just days before they were to be born. 

This is all so scary. This is almost too much. To want something so very badly and yet have no way of knowing it will come to complete fruition is frightening. 

I know that ALL things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28). I have no sign or reason to believe anything bad is happening. 

I want to be able to open my hands and lift up this matter and say "Not my will, but Yours be done." Because I know that He has taken every trial and heartache in my life and brought joy and understanding and peace through it all. But this... I feel myself greedily grasping this situation as if I can hide it from God's providential hand - because I want this. I want this. I want this. 

Today is a struggle. Yes, I am grateful and excited for the life in me and the gift He has so graciously bestowed upon my life. I'm so grateful. I'm so humbled. 

But honestly, I am so scared. 

It takes every ounce of strength to hide the hesitations I have in saying this, but nevertheless I know I need to:

Not my will, but Yours, o Lord. 

In every season...

All of my life, in every season, You are still God. 

I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.

These are the song lyrics that plagued my head on March 22, as I sat in a hospital room with Brian on that cool spring evening and heard the doctor confirm that not only was I pregnant, but that it was NOT an ectopic pregnancy like we feared. All I could remember was beaming from ear to ear and silently singing these words. "God, you are faithful," was all I could think to utter.

These are the song lyrics that invaded my heart the night my mother came to take me back to my parents house to endure the miscarriage of the child I would never hold. It was a fairly silent ride, as I processed what was about to happened and already yearned for Brian to be able to come join me as we secretly got away from life as we knew it to endure our first loss together. Even still, all I knew to say was "God, you are faithful." 

These are the song lyrics that comforted me in the times that I reflected on what never would be. The words that I meditated on when I felt like I was being swallowed by heavy darkness. I knew that God was still faithful.

These song lyrics that played in the foyer the first day back to work for the school year that reminded me of how faithful God was and how He had shown His providence day after day and brought me unspeakable joy that my flesh thought I'd surely never find again.

These are the same lyrics that overtook me as Brian and I smiled with uncertainty, but a bit of hope, at the two very strong pink lines on the bathroom counter on September 8. I meditated on the message of this song as we continued about the rest of the day as if nothing special had happened. Even in cautious fear and excitement, I was reminded that God is faithful.

And yes, these are the words that resonated within my soul on September 19 at 11:00 AM as Brian and I saw our baby's strong heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. God, you are faithful.

And I'm telling you now, that whether this sweet, precious gift makes it to our world on May 5 as we hope it does, or if it quickly whisked away to the arms of Christ before it is ever placed into mine, I will constantly, consistently, and confidently be singing this very song. Because God is faithful.

This is my prayer in the harvest,

when favor and providence flow.

I know I'm filled to be emptied again.

This seed I've received I will sow.

I will bring praise,

I will bring praise.

No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory, and He is here.

All of my life, in every season,

You are still God.

I have a reason to sing.

I have a reason to worship.

As always, your prayers are appreciated...more than you know!

jesus music.

This song gives me the weepies, but in a good way.

God is with us. He has overcome.

Would have beens...

A few days ago, I posted a status about my biological clock ticking. Geez louise, I never thought I'd receive so much flack for a silly thought. Originally, when I posted it, my intentions were as they usually always are when I post a facebook status: get a laugh. Comments I received both online and in person from various people though encouraged my own mind to take it a bit further and (admittedly) get a little more irritated than I should have.

LAURA LEIGH: "If you hear some racket, I apologize. My biological clock is ticking louder than a jet plane"

RESPONSES: "You're just a baby yourself." "Oh my gosh. You're so dramatic." ...And my personal favorite that is becoming almost an everyday response: "You guys should seriously be grateful you have time alone."

I'm trying not write about this topic anymore. I really am. I promise. I know everyone is sick of it. But today... I have thoughts I just have to release somewhere.

Was I primarily attempting to be funny? Yes. I enjoy making others laugh. Was there truth behind it? ABSOLUTELY.

I know it's not anyone's job to carry my burden and remember my heartaches. But the thought never leaves ME each day as to how far along I would have been by now.

This week I would have been just right at halfway through my pregnancy. I'd be looking for my feet, indulging myself with more sweets and donuts than most normal people because I could, picking out furniture and baby clothes - (pink or blue? I like to think blue) - and probably driving Brian up the wall with my horribly crazy emotions (then again, I probably AM doing that now).

In December, we'll be going to Disneyworld with Brian's family for Christmas. And while I am so excited I can barely hold my bladder thinking about it sometimes, I know that at some point during the trip, I'll probably have to find a corner to lose it in. I won't be able to shake the inevitable thought (hopefully quick and fleeting) that I would have been holding a baby in my arms, had things worked out. I wouldn't have even been able to BE at Disneyworld. Don't get me wrong (especially family that may stumble upon this), I'll be totally stoked to be hanging with Mickey. My point is that, even in the midst of extreme happy moments, your mind just can't forget.

My heart still beats for a child I'll never get to hold - not on this side of heaven anyway. And while I may be young, that doesn't take away the fact that I still hurt for what isn't. I have made huge strides in this grieving process and I am nowhere near the basket case I was 4 months ago. But I still hurt.

I wish sometimes that I could just forget - not only forget it happened, but forget it existed. The rest of the people in my world have moved on, not insensitively so. It's just like all things with life - we sympathize with people, but we have our own worries and struggles. I'm sure I've forgotten about the struggles of my friends and family frequently, but not willingly. I get it.

I just wish people would quit with the comments. "You're young....You guys are so lucky to have time alone together... YOU'RE TOO DRAMATIC."

At the mere age of 24, I never expected to get pregnant. But I did. And now, at the mere age of 24, I grieve the loss of my child. THAT is what baffles me. To be so young and hurt like this - an issue I never even expected to BE an issue.

I can't simply forget. If you've read any of my latest posts, you'll see that I have issues with that. Obviously. I know some people are way past this "Laura Leigh and miscarriage" thing. Please hear me, I do. I want to write about stupid simple things, but this place has become the place where I can just vomit my feelings and leave feeling better.

So understand, I'm not trying to be dramatic. I AM grateful for the time that Brian and I have together, just the two of us. I'm young (and plan to be for a while!).

But behind the silly antics, when the excitement dies down and I'm alone to my thoughts, I'm reminded of what's happened. I remember joyfully. I remember painfully.

And at the end of it all, I'm just glad that I remember.

A gift?

For those of you who took the time to read my latest posts that are SUPER wordy: a gift (?) for you --- thanks to photobooth