Birthday Week: A Guide To Celebrating

Before I get to the nitty gritty of this post, I wanted to share with you today the differences in how my husband and I celebrate the holidays. To make this easier, I created a simple chart for your reading pleasure:

HOLIDAY	HIM	HER
Christmas	Put a tree up a few days before. Or don’t. Whatever. It’s pagan anyway. Get all the wrapping paper up off the floor the minute each gift is opened. Christmas music is not necessary.  Jesus didn’t celebrate Christmas so I’m not that big on it, either.	ALL DECORATIONS TO BE PLACED JOYFULLY AND WITH JUBILEE BY OCTOBER 1. BUY EVERYONE A GIFT AND SPEND WAY TOO MUCH MONEY BUYING THEM A SECOND GIFT. CRY EVERY TIME YOU HEAR YOUR FAVORITE CAROL. EVERY. TIME. No, it’s not really the date of Jesus’ actual birthday but…YAY JESUS’ BIRTHDAY
Valentine’s Day	Does she want candy or not? Can we just order takeout and watch Netflix?	Let’s dress up in our cutest clothes and go to a restaurant even though we’re introverts! It’ll be FUNNNNNNN!!!
Fourth of July	FIREWORKS. Spend lots of money and build the equivalent of a homemade pipe bomb and go nuts!	IS THAT SPARKLER BURNING MY BABY’S HAND?! PUT IT OUT!!
Birthday	Cake is fine. Then give me an hour or two in the shop alone to build something with my bare hands or tinker on my Jeep like real men.	Let’s celebrate all week and eat my favorite foods and look at pictures and then let me pick out something pretty and eat more cake! ALL THE CAKE.

As you can see, Brian and I have incredibly different opinions on celebrations. It's no bother. I love him the same. And he tolerates my jubilee with a grain of salt. But since my birthday is a few days away, I thought it would be a good time to talk to you, dear friends, about the most important holiday of the year. My Your birthday.


If you haven't been spending every year celebrating your birthday for an entire week leading up to it, then you're doing it wrong. Plain and simple. Since I have dedicated myself to be a pioneer of honesty and real living, I feel it is my duty to share with you my Birthday Week Celebration Tips. Grab a pen, everyone. This is important stuff.

1. SOCIAL MEDIA
To get any birthday week started properly, you'll need to force find someone in your family who loves you enough to post every day of the week leading up to your birthday. They'll need to gush about how wonderful you are and how their life would never be the same without you. Pictures and cute anecdotes are a plus. Be sure to thank this person by sharing their post for your friends to see. It shows how humbled and thankful you are that someone loves you so much. Sharing those posts have nothing to do with trying to garner more presents for last minute shoppers. Not at all. Ahem.

2. MEALS
This topic is especially important if you're a wife or mother. No woman should have to cook during birthday week. No woman at all. You have to rest for the big day. Simply have your husband make all the meals during birthday week. If your husband is the type of guy who thinks Hormel Chili over a bed of spaghetti noodles is a satisfactory dinner, then try calling your mom and remind her how special you've made her life the last _??_ years in hopes that she'll take on the challenge. Then you sit back and enjoy. This also comes with the understanding that no dishes are to be washed by you, either.

3. APPEARANCE
It's a big week, people. This is the one week where you have a little pep in your step because the world is gonna celebrate YOU. Go crazy and wear lipstick every day. Maybe wash your hair three times, even. The possibilities are endless. Just look flawless and werk it.

4. WORK/CAREER
My apologies to my coworkers who stumbled upon this post. But you all need to hear the truth, too. It's your birthday week. Do just enough work to look busy but spend the bulk of your time eating candy and doodling, or whatever makes you happy. This is YOUR WEEK, people. You can't be expected to pump out 800 TPS reports when you know you've got a mountain of celebrations and gifts ahead. And rightly so! Are you a teacher? Tell the kids your birthday is coming up. Use it as leverage for good behavior. If they're acting terribly, start crying and tell them about how your toddler got up 6 times last night and how you feel disrespected and unloved in your own classroom after such a hard night. They'll be so flipped out by your show of hormones that they won't know left from right. It's great.

5. CHARITY
It's easy to get caught up in celebrating your own birthday and forget that the little people need us. So consider spending some time bringing happiness to others. If you have particularly cute children, like I do, consider allowing someone else to spend some time with them one-on-one, like a grandparent or neighbor or your mailman, whatever. Simply drop them off at their house and tell them you will happily provide them a few hours of individual time with your child so they can experience the wonder of their tantrums silliness and sweetness. Make sure you give them a good bit of time to truly enjoy them. Five or six hours should do.

So there you have it. These are but a few tips and tricks for getting the full enjoyment of your birthday week. It only happens once a year. Don't be afraid to do it big. It's YOUR TIME.

Actually, my birthday is Saturday so technically, it's MY time. But thanks anyway. :)